


Pray for Us

by xlannax



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel, Depression, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Mechanic Dean, Multi, POV switch, Porn With Plot, Priest Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Public Blow Jobs, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Dean, mention of bullying, pinning, suicidal attempt, then just porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:49:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 47,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9563798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xlannax/pseuds/xlannax
Summary: ---Dean heard someone sat beside him. He quickly opened his eyes and looked at the person next to him. He met the other man's eyes, blue like a sky in a sunny day, shining and filled with honesty and warmth, he was completely mesmerized by them.The man coughed a little, a light smile on his lips, Dean snapped back to reality, tearing off his gaze from the man's eyes. He noticed his black suit and black shirt with clerical collar.---Story about Dean Winchester and his younger brother Sam who have to move out from their old house to the new one, because of the sad memory of their parents that were dead. But it seems like the tragedy events are chasing them. Sam gets in a coma and nothing is helping him. Dean starts to pray in a small local church, and that's the moment when he meets a young priest Castiel.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thanks for opening this fanfic. This is my very first story written in English *and English isn't my first language* and first story including smut. Still, I hope you'll enjoy it.
> 
> I'm going to update every two weeks. If you'll find something that's completely wrong - let me know. I don't want to have here some silly mistakes.
> 
> Dean's here 27, Sam 16. Cas's going to be here soon too.

September 28

-

"Dean, just turn down that goddamn music!" Sam's voice shouted over a too much loud song, playing in his brother's car.

"Hey!" Dean snapped back with a smirk though, "Your bad, it's my music and my car," he shouted back and turned the volume even louder.

Sam in a second reached with his hand and quieted it so Dean could barely hear it then. He grinned at his younger brother, shaking his head in a fake disbelieve as he heard a sigh escaping from Sam.

Dean drove his car to the pavement and stopped just behind a gray, rusty van. He looked at Sam and gave him a cheering smile. Sam glanced at Dean, but he said nothing to him.

"Here we are," Dean said while he cut the engine off.

Then he opened the car door and got out. He looked around. The house, in which they were going to live, was two story house with a small covered terrace at the entrance. It was nice looking house, not so old, standing near the center of the quite large town. They really needed a little change, a new beginning. He got distracted by a loud noise of someone closing a car door.

"Thanks, Bobby, you really haven't to help us with moving ours things, you know?" he looked at the older man with a shabby hat, who was now pulling out boxes from the van.

"Stop talkin' and just help me, would ya?" said Bobby, walking to the front door of their new house.

Dean smirked and turned to the window of his car and knocked at Sam, who was still sitting inside.

"Sammy, come one, we could use some help," Dean called.

Sam opened the door and got out, slamming with it annoyed. Dean was worried about him, he didn't talk to him on the way here, except for the complaining about the music. He knew that Sam will take this whole situation bad, he was always sensitive kid, but it was actually better than he expected it to be. His little brother just needs some time, which was what he has tried to convince himself with.

Sam wasn't complaining about the moving itself and he really didn't care about the new house either. He was just surprised. They left their old place, in which happened a lot of events, so easily. It was just strange to him, Dean seemed like it didn't affect him at all.

Sam stood beside Bobby who handed him a box, Dean shook his head to clear his thoughts and started helping them too. They carried the boxes from the van into the house, laying them down next the front door right beside the wall. It was just a few boxes, they didn't have many things from the old house and the new one was already furnished. So it didn't take much time and they were done.

Dean put on the floor the very last box and looked around, hands shoved into his pockets. They stood in a quite large room with staircase opposite to the front door and connected open living room on the right side. His eyes swept over the gray couch and a small wooden table that was standing on an old carpet. On the other side were built doors to the kitchen, Sam quickly peeked in while looking through the first floor.

The previous owners, a married couple, were a bit conservative, and the interior of the house was the example. It was cozier than their old house, but still this was a new environment, everything was strange and kind of hostile.

Sam ran upstairs with his boxes to pick up a room, leaving them there alone. Dean walked into the kitchen, grabbed two beers and went back handing Bobby one bottle. He sat next to him on couch and sighed.

"How's the kid doin'?" Bobby asked while he was opening his beer. Dean could hear the worry in the older man's gruff voice. He opened his own bottle and took a sip before he answered.

"I don't know. He hasn't talked to me properly since our dad died."

"He'll get through it. He's a tough kid, just needs some time."

"Yeah, he knows that I'm always here for him."

"Well... You practically raised him just because your dad was a dick that didn' – ," Bobby stopped when he realized what he was just saying, „Sorry, I didn't mean that, it just simply came out of me."

Dean let a silent chuckle and raised his bottle to his lips. „Yeah, he was a dick."

The silence crawled between them. They were just sitting next to each other and drinking. Bobby was like a father to him and he knew the terrible things about his family too.

"You know, I kinda expected that he will end up in some damn car crash, you saw how he looked when he drunk his ass off and what he was doing afterwards."

"I know. I remember when I found the bruises that you had after he beat you up. I've had to say somethin' or do somethin' –"

"Bobby, stop," Dean looked at him. He saw a man who was worried about him, a man who blame himself for not helping him. Dean appreciate Bobby's interest.

"I think I'll go now, Ellen is probably frantic where I am, y'know her," Bobby said with a soft smile on his lips, putting the empty bottle on a table in front of them and getting up of the couch.

Dean nodded and placed his own beer at the table. Ellen sometimes cared too much especially when it comes to family. But she is a wonderful strong woman, sometimes maybe a little stubborn, but he was so happy when Bobby told them they were together.

He walked Bobby to the front door, saying thanks to him.

"Just promise me that you will stop tomorrow at Garth's garage. I put in a word for you so he'll have some work for you."

"I will, Bobby. Thank you."

When Bobby left, Dean walked upstairs with his own boxes and put them in his new room that Sam left for him and started to unpacking. He put his clothes into the closet and placed some his things that he brought with himself on shelves. He knelt and pulled out from the box an old frame with a photo, stopping himself suddenly. He kept it in his hand and looked at it.

It was photo of him with his family, with his whole family. His dad looked so much happier there, he had this wide smile with teeth shining between his lips. Deal could see the shine in his eyes, how he was full of life, his head leaned on his mum's head. His mum. She was beautiful, smile playing on her lips, her loving eyes were looking on him, like she was seeing him inside of the photo. She was holding a small wrapped body, a little Sam, peacefully asleep in her arms. And next to them was standing he. Roguish smirk on his lips, messy hair and on his shoulder was placed dad's arm, pulling him closer. In the distance, he could see their old house even with a tree where they once had a swing.

They were so happy in that time.

Dean blinked and snapped back to reality. He didn't realize that he was just staring on the photo, sitting on the ground and surrounded by boxes. He stood up and carefully placed the photo on the nightstand which stands right beside his bed. Then he just unpacked the last box.

He walked into the hall and peeked in a Sammy's room, finding him sitting on his bed with his back leaned against the headboard and reading some book. Dean knocked on the door and got inside. Sam gazed at him, closing the book.

"Bobby is gone?" Sam asked. He wanted to say Bobby at least a goodbye, but his book which he was reading was actually gripping and he couldn't simply pull away.

"Yep," Dean answered, giving hands in his pockets and stepping closer to Sam's bed, "How are you doing?" he inquired.

"I'm fine, maybe a little bit tired."

Dean nodded. This was a long day, he could feel the fatigue too.

"I'll drive you tomorrow to school. I need to know that you won't be a truant in your first day," Dean smirked at Sam, knowing that he would never do that. He stepped closer again, right next to the bed.

"Okay, but you won't stop right at school."

"Come on, you are ashamed to be with your big brother?"

"Yeah, because I'll have no chance at any chick then," Sam joked.

Dean ruffled Sam's hair, chuckled to himself.

"Okay, I'm going to bed and you should go too," Dean said, pointing at him.

Sam grinned, pushing his hand away. Dean turned and started walking outside the room.

"Jerk," called Sam after him with a smile.

"Bitch," responded Dean and closed the door after him.

He walked into his room and blinked at the time on his phone. He yawned and stretched his shoulders. Before he went to the bed, he undressed himself and put on some t-shirt and boxers.

He wondered how will the first night in a new house look. He was staring at the ceiling, feeling uncomfortable and tense. It didn't feel like a home yet, but he guessed it's gonna be only a matter of time. Dean hoped that they will be happier here than in their old house before, especially Sammy. He's his responsibility, he has to protect him like the big brothers are supposed to. He sometimes seemed like a father though, but it was just because he wanted the best for him. He never wanted Sam's childhood end up too soon like his.

He didn't even notice that his eyes slowly shut and he gently drifted into a calm sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up suddenly with a jerk. The rays from the window attacked his eyes, he shut them quickly and turned onto his stomach. He laid his head down to protect his eyes from the bright light and tucked his hands under the pillow. It felt like he slept the whole century but he was still tired and just wanted to sleep a little longer. He wouldn’t have to face anything or anyone.

He groaned, raising his head again and looked at the time. It wasn’t late, he woke up surprisingly early, but Sam was definitely awake now, probably downstairs in the kitchen, waiting for his lazy ass brother.

Dean remembered his promise that he gave his brother yesterday. If he is going to drive him to school he has to get up and start doing something.

Dean sat on the bed, legs hanging over the edge and touching the cool wooden floor with his feet. He rubbed his eyes, trying to fully wake up, he ran over his sprouting stubble, scratching his neck afterwards. He should shave.

Dean got up eventually, he left his room and went downstairs. Like he was thinking, Sam was already awake, dressed and just sitting at the table in the kitchen, eating and patiently waiting for him.

“Mornin’,” Dean muttered, walking to the kitchen counter and turning on a kettle.

“You’re finally awake, I was planning about taking a bus if you wouldn’t wake up,” Sam told to Dean who was now leaning against the counter with hands on chest.

“Well you don’t have to now,” Dean grinned.

The kettle turned off with a click, steam soaring up. Dean made a coffee to energize himself, he could still feel the sleepiness. He sat at the table opposite to Sam. They were staying in a comfortable silence, Sam eating and Dean reading something in the newspapers, sipping the hot coffee.

After a while Sam stood up and ran upstairs. Dean checked time, they should go soon. He got up and went to his room to get himself dressed. He put on some shirt and jeans and jacket. He grabbed out of the closet an old t-shirt that he could smear and carried it with him downstairs. He was going to visit that Garth’s garage about which was Bobby speaking and if they’ll have some work for him, he assumed he’ll get dirty.

Dean met Sam downstairs in the kitchen again, he was getting his books that were laying on the table inside his backpack.

“Do you have everything?” asked Dean, walking past him to the front door and taking keys from the hook on the wall. He threw them in the air and clutched them in his hands again, turning back to his brother.

Sam muttered something in response, struggling with the last book that he wanted to stuff into the backpack. Dean walked to the door and placed a hand on the handle, he checked the time again.

The book finally fit in. Sam took the full bag and walked to Dean, who opened the door for him and closed them after they went outside, locking them. They walked to Dean’s car, his beloved baby that was parked at the pavement in front of the house, and they got in. Dean started the engine and turned on music, sound of some song from Metallica filled the car. Dean drummed the melody at the steering wheel, humming for himself while driving.

Sam rolled his eyes, he never really understood his brother’s taste in music, especially in these old rock and metal bands. He turned down the volume that was too loud for him. Dean turned his head at him immediately and flashed him a fake disappointed look before bringing his attention back at the road.

“Come on, Sammy. I know you like it,” smirked Dean, slightly shaking his head.

Sam ignored him and looked out of the window, watching the passing scenery. They stayed in a silence, other songs played, until Dean stopped near the school, just like Sam wanted.

“Are you nervous?” Dean suddenly asked, turning his body to Sam.

“Ehm… No…?”

Dean said nothing, it was too obvious that he was, but he couldn’t do anything with that. Sam has to handle the new school and all the people all by himself, but he is smart kid, so he can do it. Dean believed that Sam will be okay.

Sam took his backpack from the back seat and opened the door.

“Okay, I’m gonna visit a new job now, so I don’t know when I get home. Do you have enough money on the way back?” Dean asked Sam who was getting out of the car.

“Yeah, I have,” he replied shortly, leaning on the opened door and waiting for his brother to continue asking him something else.

“Do you have everything? Maybe you’ll remember…”

“Jeez Dean, I’m not ten,” Sam said, rolling his eyes and straightening up with one hand still placed on the door, ready to close them.

“Fine, fine,” Dean said raising his hands in air, giving up another questioning.

“I don’t want to be late on my first day,” Sam said, straightening his bag on his back, “Later.”

“Later.”

Sam closed the door, heading for school. Dean turned his car, focusing at his brother’s silhouette in the rearview mirror, watching him walking away, and drove back to town for job. He wondered what is Garth like, Bobby described him as a fair, cheerful and a little bit weird guy, but he talked about him just in a good way. He was so thankful to Bobby that he helped him to land a job.

Dean arrived into the town and passed by their house, driving still further. He was near the center of the town, in the distance he could see a little tower of the small local church that was standing right in the middle of square. How he was getting closer he could see the church whole, in a while he was driving next to it, just to continue further.

Dean glanced at the church, he has to admit that it was admirable building. He wasn’t exactly a believer, maybe there is something or someone, maybe even a God, but Dean thought that he just doesn’t care about humanity.

He left the church behind and headed to the address that Bobby told him. It was a building standing in a small town nearby, an old big garage with cars inside waiting for repair.

Dean got out of his car and went inside, the clinking of the tools and car parts echoed from all sides and the air was filled with a smell of oil and paints. He looked around, his eyes traced over the parsed cars and all the people busy with their work or just standing and talking in pairs. He tried to guess who might be Garth with who he needed to talk.

One skinny and short man passed next to him, Dean quickly went after him and placed a hand on the man’s shoulder to stop him. He jumped a little under his touch and turned to face him, with wide surprised eyes.

“Oh hey, sorry,” Dean pulled back his hand and gave him an apologized smile, “I’m looking for a guy who owns it here, Garth Fitzgerald. Do you know where can I find him?”

“Yep, I know,” he smiled and put his hands in pockets, “Come, I’ll lead you.”

They went further into the garage, Dean silently followed the guy as he was looking around.

“So what’s your name?” the guy suddenly asked and looked over his shoulder at him, smiling.

“Dean Winchester,” he waited for the guy’s name but it doesn’t seem like he was going to say it.

They went inside someone’s office and guy turned at him with hands inside his pockets, still slightly smiling like there was something funny about it. Dean was confused, he has the strange feeling as if he missed something.

“Bobby told me about you,” guy said, pulling out his hands and one held out to him, “I’m Garth.”

Dean stayed silent for a second, surprised. But he quickly shook hand with him.

“Oh, you are Garth,” he said ashamed and stepping back, “Sorry, I didn’t know that it’s you,” he scratched back of his neck. Now he felt nervous.

“It’s okay,” Garth waved his hand, calming Dean down that it wasn’t such a big deal for him, “So, you’re looking for a job?”

Dean nodded, ready for the questions. Garth suggested him to sit down on a chair standing in front of the table. Garth sat on his own chair too. He asked him some questions and Dean signed some papers, just do the administrative stuff like Garth said. He then took Dean and shoved him garage and all the things he will need. After he got to know where everything was, Garth sent him after one guy to help him, he wanted to test him a little bit. He talked with this guy, while they, but mostly Dean, were repairing a cooler from one car. He was here a little longer, working and talking to some guys. Everyone seemed friendly to him.

He arrived home at the evening, Sam was downstairs, watching something in television. He greeted him from his seat on the couch continue watching. Dean said ‘hi’ to him and went into the kitchen and took food from yesterday. He walked into the living room and sat next to Sam, putting his plate on the table and started to eat.

“So how was your first day in school?” Dean asked him with full mouth.

“Good,” Sam answered, “Did you get the job?”

Dean nodded and swallowed quickly, “Looks good there.”

They were sitting together for a long time, watching television and talking. Sam told him about the school and about the students in his class that didn’t seem very friendly to him.

“You’ll get some friends, it was just the first day, okay?” Dean assured him.

“Yeah, I know. But I have a bad feeling about some guys,” Sam wasn’t really happy about it, he knew that he isn’t going to fit in at the new school. People here were here so different than in their old town like they were pretending to be someone much better. It wasn’t just in the school. Before Dean came home, Sam walked a little bit just to explore the new small town. There was something bad, he felt so uneasy like people who were outside judged him, they were smiling, but in their eyes wasn’t nothing than despite.

It was already getting dark outside when Sam got up and went upstairs, yawning.

“Night,” Sam called on his way to stairs.

“Night,” Dean answered, looking at him over his shoulder.

He sat here for a while, switching channels but nothing really caught his attention. He gave up and left it on some romantic crap. He tried to watch it, but in two minutes he got bored, the plot was so predictable. With a sigh, he turned off the television and got up, walking upstairs.

He walked into the bathroom and undressed himself and got into the shower. The hot water flowed down over his body and the comfortable warm made him feel relaxed and sleepy. He let the water fall down on his head and ran with his hand through the wet hair, shutting his eyes and raising his head up, feeling the water dropping on his face. He bent his head down again, letting the sign escape from his lips.

He was looking forward to finally get in his bed. He didn’t do anything exhausting today but even though he was really tired. His eyelids started to feel heavy as he was washing his body with routine movements. He wasn’t really thinking about anything as he was used to in the shower, his mind just getting blank.

Dean got out after a while with a towel around his waist and walked in his room and dressed himself. He was shivering because of the cold air after the warm shower. He laid down on the bed, looking on the ceiling above him with one hand under his head. He slowly shut his eyes and drifted into a sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So there you have another chapter. It's a bit earlier than I've planned but sice I got more time to write I have a couple of chapters finished so... Still hoping you're enjoying this :) And thanks for the kudos and bookmark.

November 7

-

It started just like another ordinary day. Sam went to school, Dean drove to work. Everything was in order, after less than two months they’ve got used to a new life. Sam has made some friends, Dean sometimes went with his workmates to local bar. They started to be happy again.

Dean ended at work earlier and stopped in one small shop to buy food for today dinner on his way home. He was looking for some vegetable when he noticed a woman standing at the shelf. She stood on her tiptoes, trying to reach for a box of rice placed on the shelf that was too high for her. Dean went towards her to help. He grabbed the box and handed it to her.

“Here,” he smiled, looking at her face.

“Oh, thank you,” she smiled at him too, her cold gray eyes locked on him, she took the box from his hand and put it in her shopping basket.

Dean has to admit that she was really pretty. Nice face, lips created just for kiss, certainly under the clothes would be nice body too.

She put her blonde hair behind ear, clearing her throat. Dean realized that he was just staring at her, he snapped back to reality, looking away quickly.

“Are you new here? I didn’t see you here before,” she asked him curiously with eyes tracing from his head down to toes.

“Yeah, I moved here with my brother,” he confirmed, “I’m Dean,” he held out his hand and she shook it, her smile get wider.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Macy. I knew you weren’t local because I would never overlook someone handsome like you,” she pointed at him and winked.

Dean smirked at her words a little. They just met and she was trying to hit on him.

“Well, Dean,” Macy said, lowering her seductive voice and leaning closer towards him, placing her free hand on his forearm, “I hope we’ll meet again.”

Dean stayed still, saying nothing. He was looking in her cold eyes, trying to find something warm in them. But there was just lust filled in nothing than emptiness.

Macy let go of his hand and stepped back. She smiled at him last time and walked away swinging her hips. Dean shook his head, he remembered what he wanted to buy and went the other way.

On the way home he was still thinking about Macy. He had to admit that she was attractive and she clearly wanted him. But something about her made Dean a little bit insecure, the way she looked at him and what was in her eyes. Dean tried to chase away these thoughts, but he felt like she was in his head.

He arrived at home, parked his baby in front of their house, and entered the living room with bags full of food. He found Sam with his two friends sitting on couch surrounded by books and papers.

“Oh, hey kids,” Dean called as he walked into the kitchen, he placed bags on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge to take a beer. He went back into the living room, opening the bottle.

“So how’s the party goin’?” Dean jested and went closer, taking a sip from his beer.

Sam who was sitting between his friends on couch turned to his brother with the best bitch face he could do, “Oh, it’s great, you wanna join us?”

“I think I’ll pass.”

Girl, sitting next to Sam on his right side and searching for something on her notebook, suddenly clapped with her hands, “Yes, I found it!” she shouted.

“Let me have a look!” black haired Asian boy tried to reach over Sam for a notebook placed on her lap, “Charlie!”

“Guys, stop it, you are working on a same project,” Sam remarked to them, “Kevin, get off me,” he demanded, trying to push him away.

Dean chuckled to himself, the view he was having at them was hilarious.

“What are you working on anyway?” he asked curiously, stepping closer.

“Me and Kevin have to work on a project from biology, something about respiratory system,” Charlie answered, turning her head at Dean, totally ignoring Kevin still snapping for the notebook.

“Yes, but you are keeping all of your notes for yourself,” Kevin railed.

Charlie was up to say something to him, but she stopped. She got up and sat between Kevin and Sam who had to shift to the left. Charlie handed him her notebook and let him read her notes, they started actually working like they were supposed to.

“Oh, Sam, where’s Jessica? I thought she’ll come here too,” Charlie suddenly asked him, her lips were crooked in a smirk that she was trying to choke back.

Sam glowered at her, “I haven’t asked her yet,” he muttered, looking away.

Dean noticed his suddenly change in mood, but he was curious about that girl Jessica.

“Who’s Jessica?” he asked, one hand placed on the back of the couch supporting himself and leaned closer.

“Just one girl I have to work with on the project,” Sam shyly said, gazing the paper in his hands like it was the most interesting thing.

“Just one girl,” Charlie repeated with emphasis, “He has the biggest crush on her I’ve ever seen.”

“No, I haven’t!” Sam snapped, his head turned at Charlie while the blush crept on his cheeks.

“Okay,” Charlie gave up, giving hands in the air but still smirking.

“I would like to focus on the project now,” Sam took a book from the table and lost interest in another conversation.

Dean shook his head and took another sip of his beer and walked back into the kitchen to prepare something for the dinner. Charlie and Kevin left early. Dean made dinner, they were eating together and just talking.

“You should ask her over,” Dean suddenly began talking about Jessica.

Sam looked at him, surprised he mentioned her, “I’ll ask her,” he promised, but he quickly changed the topic.

 

Two days passed and Dean finally met her.

On that day, he was home. The garage was going to be repaired how Garth planned for a long time, so he gave everyone two days off.

Dean was sitting in the kitchen reading some articles in the newspaper, drinking a hot coffee. He placed back the mug on the table and flipped the page.

The front door suddenly opened. Dean looked up from the newspaper and listened. Sam was obviously home but Dean could hear another quiet voice talking to him, saying something funny because Sam laughed a little. Dean could see through the opened door to the living room at Sam walking to the stairs with a girl beside him. Sam stopped and looked around, finding Dean in the kitchen sitting at the table.

“Hi,” Sam called at him and turned to the girl, “Jess, this is my brother Dean,” he introduced him to her, turning back at Dean, “Dean, this is Jess.”

“Hello,” Jess smiled at him and put her blonde curly hair behind ear.

“Hi,” Dean greeted her.

So this was that girl Jessica. Sam’s crush. He had to smile a little when he thought about it. And he has to admit that she was pretty. She has a really cute innocent smile but Dean could see a little bit of a devil in her playful eyes.

“We are going to work on a project upstairs,” Sam said to him.

“Okay.”

Sam looked at Jess and led her upstairs to his room and left Dean in the kitchen. He hoped that leaving them alone in Sammy’s room was a good idea. He realized he was thinking about it like a worried father not like a brother. For him they were still too young, but Dean was in Sam’s age much worse.

He closed the newspaper and drank up all his coffee and washed up the mug in the sink. Then he walked into the living room, laying down on the couch and turning on the TV. But nothing interesting was playing so he was just switching channels over and over. It was just first day and he was bored, he used his time and snoozed a little.

He slowly woke up and opened his eyes, rubbing them with hand. He sat up on the couch, feeling as his neck hurt because of the position he was laying in, he stretched and hissed in pain. He looked at the time on his phone, finding it was getting late.

Dean heard steps upstairs that led to the stairs. After a while Sam and Jess walked downstairs. Dean looked at them. Sam’s hair was disheveled and had undone two buttons on his shirt, Jess tried to fix herself at least but she had a light blush on her cheeks.

Sam walked Jess to the front door, smiling at her.

“I’ll text you later,” he said.

Jess nodded, “Goodbye, Dean,” she called at him, he said to her ‘Bye’ too. She looked back at Sam, saying something quiet so Dean couldn’t hear her.

“Bye, Sam. Tomorrow at school,” she said aloud.

“Bye.”

Sam closed the door after her and he went to the kitchen to grab some food. Then he walked into the living room and sat next to Dean on the couch, starting to eat.

“So, you were working on a project, huh?” Dean smirked at him.

“And we were,” Sam asserted, “at least in the beginning.”

“I hope you didn’t –“

“No,” Sam assured him, “we just kissed.”

Dean grinned and nudged him, “I can’t believe it, that nerdy Sam I know has a girl.”

“Hey, I’m not that nerdy to don’t get a girl,” Sam fought back, bringing his attention back at food. “And what about you? Any girl there?”

Dean started to immediately think about Macy, but he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to have something more with her. She seemed just like a one-night stand to him.

Dean shook his head slowly, “I don’t think so.”

He really didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life of course. He would like to have someone he could take care of and Macy really wasn’t the right person that he wanted to be with.

She came into his life and it seemed like she refused to walked away again. They met in shops or walk into each other on the street twice now, she was always so surprised that they met. And that thing with the flirting she tried to seduce him, but for Dean she got more insistent than attractive.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean met her again the other day. He was still home and it drove him crazy. So he went to the town, simply walking somewhere. He finally got a chance to look around a bit, to get know this place more, and he was having a fun at least.

He got to the square and looked at the church. He has never visited this building, it looked to him just so cold and ungraciously. He couldn’t bring himself to go inside even though he was curious.

Dean turned back and carried on his way when he heard some woman voice calling his name in distance. He looked around to find the source of the voice and he saw Macy, walking towards him and smiling.

“Hi, Dean, I didn’t expect you to be here,” she said when got closer.

“Macy, hey,” Dean said moodily, thinking about excuses that could help him to get away.

But she clinged at him and refused to go away. She talked. A lot. Walking with him, in one hand her bag. She made him feel uncomfortable, her flirting talks disguised him which was strange for him because he would normally flirt back. But the thought of flirting with her wasn’t appealing enough for him. And he started to feel cold. He headed home, praying for Macy to go away. She wasn’t really dressed for a cold weather like today, just a light jacket couldn’t protect her from the air for too long.

Once they got in front of the Dean’s house, Macy was still with him and she totally ignored his annoyed voice he was talking to her with.

“So this is your house,” she stated, looking at the building.

Dean noticed she was trembling because of the cold air. He didn’t want to be rude and just send her away, so he invited her inside even though he really didn’t want to.

Dean knew it was a bad decision, one big stupid decision. Especially when Macy attacked his lips with her own and pushed him down on the couch they were sitting on. Dean was in shock as she was suddenly so closer, unable to do something. Macy took advantage he wasn’t moving and slid her hand to his crotch and palmed him through his jeans, still kissing his lips passionately.

Dean tried to gently push her away, but she took his hand into her own and traveled with it on her body. She made the way from her waist to breasts, sighing above him. Dean quickly shook his hand from her grip and snapped her hand away from his crotch.

“Come on, Dean,” she purred in his ear, “I know you want this… want me.”

He felt her hot breath on his cheek and her hair tickling him on his chin. She leaned closer to his neck with lips traveling on his skin, licking it with his tongue suddenly.

“Stop,” Dean demanded, wanting this to stop right now.

She didn’t listen to him. He didn’t want to hurt her, but pushing her gently of him was useless. He grabbed her by her arm and pushed her stronger so she fell back with the one free arm supporting herself on the back of the couch. Dean immediately stood up when he was free, breathing heavily and heart pounding fast in his chest.

She looked at him like a wounded animal with eyes wide open and hurt, but anger replaced it quickly, making them somehow darker. Macy stood up too, hatefully glowering at him, she took her bag and jacket and hurried to the front door.

She turned at him again, “Fuck you!” she snapped and slammed the door behind her.

Dean stood there, gazing the door and feeling terrible. His head started to hurt, he hid his face into his hand, shutting eyes and rubbed them gently. He tried to concentrated and deeply breathed to calm himself.

His phone suddenly started to vibrate, he sighed and pull the phone out of his pocket. Some unknown number was calling.

“Yes?”

“Am I talking with Dean Winchester?” a women voice asked, she sounded worried and stressed even though she tried to hid it.

“Yes, who are you?”

“I’m the directress of St. Mark’s High school, I’m calling you because of Sam,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “he is in a coma.”

Dean froze. He thought it was a joke first, his brain refused to accept it. Sam in a coma. This cannot be truth. In a fucking coma. He felt like the whole world was falling apart, all the happy things were fading, just lost in the darkness.

“Mr. Winchester, I’m so sorry,” she apologized, her voice quiet and forcefully calm.

Dean gulped. He has to face it. He felt the chills creeped at his back, his hands were sweating and slightly shaking. He was still denying it, but reality was cruel to him. He closed his eyes, the pain in his head was still worse and worse.

“Where?” was the only thing he asked, his voice trembling.

“Crittenton Hospital.”

He quickly took his jacket and went for keys.

“Thank you,” Dean said in hurry and hung up.

He ran to his car, started the engine and drove to the hospital as fast as he could. Every mile seemed infinite to him, he was overtaking other cars and in one moment he almost got hit by one car driving upstream.

He finally found an empty parking lot. He got out of his car and rushed in the hospital. He walked into the building, passing by people who were sitting on benches and waiting, he could smell disinfection in the air, making breathing harder for a moment.

He walked to the reception, a young lady sat behind the large computer monitor, writing something in files. She looked up at him when he got closer.

“How can I help you?” she asked, closing the last file and put it on a pile of others files next to her-

“I’m looking for my brother, Sam Winchester,” Dean said urgently, “they brought him here in a coma.”

She searched his brother’s name, Dean eagerly bumped with his fingers against the cold counter, looking around. Some woman was laughing somewhere behind, it irritated him.

“Your brother was brought about an hour ago, he is now at intensive care unit,” she confirmed and looked back at him.

After Dean asked her the way, he went to find Sam. He was wandering with a feel her already lost the way, not really sure where he was. He was going to ask some nurse where he can find it, but he noticed familiar faces sitting on one bench in the hallway. He went closer, finding Charlie, Kevin and Jess. They looked at him, fear in their eyes and sadness.

“How is he?” Dean asked, anxious filled in his voice.

Charlie didn’t look at him, she was comforting Jess that was having her head hid in her hands, shaking.

“We don’t know,” Kevin was first who said something, “Jess was with Sam when it happened but she didn’t say anything yet. We just saw how they got him into the ambulance and we went with them.”

“They took him right to the surgery after we arrived, saying it looks very bad,” Charlie said, looking up at Dean.

Dean shut his eyes and took a deep breath. This was just like some nightmare. But now it was real. He moved, crouching in front of Jess, trying to get her attention. She looked at him, tears flew down on her face.

“Jess,” Dean began, trying calm his voice, making it soft to sooth her, “you were there… Say what happened.”

She couldn’t find words first, her bottom lip was trembling lightly, “There was blood… so much blood… from his head,” she whispered and ran her hands through hair, shutting her eyes.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Dean comforted her, gently grabbing her by her upper arm and running with his thumb over.

They sat in silence. Waiting for someone to tell them about Sam. People were walking, passing by them, chatting with others. Dean felt so tired, he sat there, feeling empty like there was nothing in him. Just thinking when it all went into this. His headache finally stopped at least.

“Mr. Winchester?” a rough voice called his name.

Dean looked up to a doctor standing next to him, he quickly stood up, nodding his head. He needed answer.

“Is my brother alright?”

Doctor checked something in papers he carried with him, then looked at him again. “Mr. Winchester,” he began, “your brother suffered a serious head injury that caused epidural hemorrhage. That’s mean the buildup of blood between the dura mater and skull increase pressure in the intracranial space and caused brain shift,” he paused, he had the feeling that this desperate man in front of him misapprehended what he was telling to him, “However, we removed the mass and reduced the pressure it put on the brain. But your brother is still in a coma, I’m afraid we have to just wait till he wakes up.”

“How long it will take?” Dean asked, worried about the answer.

“We don’t know, maybe days, weeks or maybe years,” Doctor answered, looking at him with sympathy, “Now it just all depends on him, all we can do is maintaining his vital functions.”

“Can I see him?”

“He is now stabilized so yes, you can. Now he needs you the most,” Doctor said and lead them to room Sam was staying.

“Thank you,” Dean said to the doctor before he left them.

Sam was laying in a big bed where his body suddenly seemed so small and vulnerable, covered with white sheets and connected to a ventilator. They monitored his breathing and other vital functions. His head was bandaged, it was a terrible look.

Dean couldn’t believe this happened to his little brother. Yesterday he was talking to him, laughing, but now, seeing him like this hurt Dean in all possible ways. Jess started crying again, Charlie covered her mouth with hand and stared in horror, Kevin wasn’t looking good either, trembling and shaking his head. They went closer to Sam, standing at his bed.

Dean reached out with his hand and lightly touched Sam’s shoulder, so scared he would hurt him more.

“Fuck,” he whispered, trying to hold back tears, he wanted to scream, smashed something. It hurt, it hurt so much, he couldn’t do anything and he was so desperate. He wanted to help him. Help his little brother.

But there was nothing to do, just like the doctor said. They had to wait now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter and a bit longer *yay* and... here comes Castiel!
> 
> You have to know I've never been at church so I don't have a much knowledge about it *funny when you're writing a fic about priest* so I'm sorry for the errors. I tried to search a bit - hope it isn't that bad.

November 21

-

It has been over one week and Sam was still in a coma. Fortunately, he was getting better, they took off the bandage he had around head, revealing big scar underneath. Nurses came every while, checking the monitors and scribed something into file and Dean chatted with them a bit.

Dean was sitting next to Sam’s bed on a chair with elbows on his knees and head rested in hands. He was quiet.

He took a day off today and Garth understood him. This guy really grew on him, when he told him that Sam is in hospital, this little guy hugged him. It was uncomfortable hug but Dean knew that he cared about him and so he was thankful.

The familiar nurse came, smiling at Dean, and checked the monitors again. Dean spent here so much time he got to know most of the personnel. When they brought Sam into the hospital he refused to go home, he stayed with him and even slept here. He just couldn’t leave him here alone.

Doctors were sending him home to get some sleep because he looked horrible. Dean finally listened to them and after four days, he spent with Sam, he went home. He slept one whole day.

Dean started to work again and it helped him a little because his mind was suddenly occupied with other things than Sam. But he always Came to visit him, talking to him, hoping he might wake up. But it was days, then week.

The day after Sam was brought to the hospital Jess came again. She was calm but still sad, sitting next Sam, holding his hand and talking to him quietly. Then she looked at Dean.

“I was with him when it happened,” she began,” we were walking to the stairway, just chatting. But this guy, he went after us and started to abusing him again – “

“Wait,” Dean stopped her,” some kid was bullying Sam?”

Jess looked away but she nodded.

“For how long?”

“It started week after he first came to the school. He called him names and did other awful things.”

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Dean ran with hand through his hair.

The shock immediately became anger. Yeah, he remembered the small signs he saw on Sam. His reluctance to talk about school, sometimes he froze when Dean touched him, grabbed him by a shoulder. And that light concussion, Sam told him he just got hit somewhere. All it was because of that kid. He wanted to kill him.

“He said you will rip his lungs out if he’ll tell you,” Jess said, looking back at him.

“And I’m fucking gonna do that!” he shouted angrily while he stood up in hurry, walking across the room to calm himself. He was ready to kill that dick. Jess was quiet, looking everywhere but not at him.

“You walked to stairway, what happened next?” he asked, still pissed off, but he tried to sound calmer.

“That guy walked closer and pushed him lightly and Sam fought back,” Jess looked at Sam, her voice trembled, “He shoved him again with force and Sam fell from stairs, he hit his head few times. Then he was just laying on the floor, he didn’t move and there was so much blood from his head.”

Dean sat down again, he looked down on the floor, shutting his eyes and ran with his hands through hair. This was horrible. He hasn’t known anything of this and it made him feel remorseful. If he has known, he could’ve done something and this would’ve never happened. But he didn’t pay enough attention and stopped caring after Sam said he is okay every time he asked him.

And now he was still sitting here, thinking. The nurse was already gone. Charlie and Kevin were going to visit him today too. They came almost every day, making Sam the company he needed. Even Bobby and Ellen came when Dean told them what happened.

Everything seemed to go so well.

But a few days after, Dean was with Sam on his usual place as always. He was just thinking he should get some coffee.

And suddenly one monitor started to beep. In the quiet room was this sound so loud and it made Dean jump in shock. It took him a second when his brain finally get what was happening. He immediately started to call for help.

Nurses and doctor ran in. That small room was now filled so many people and others were still coming, shouts and commands from the doctor echoed from the crowd. Someone pushed Dean aside. He was just standing and trying to catch on the situation. Chaos filled the room, so many people were around the bed. Dean stood there in shock, looking at them with fear, almost forgetting how to breathe. Everything slowed down and went quiet, he saw for the last time Sam’s pale face as he was suddenly surrounded by people, obstructing his vision. He wanted to push through them and be next to his brother who needed him now.

He knew someone was grabbing his arm and pushing him to the door but it just barely got through him, he felt it like from distance. He was probably shouting but he couldn’t hear himself or anything at all.

He realized he was sitting on the hallway, one nurse next to him, rubbing his back and quietly saying something to him. But he couldn’t hear her, he felt his heart beating so loud it drowned out everything else.

After hours of waiting, hours of hope and fear, doctor came to him and told him the bad news. His brother was getting worse, his vital signs were failing slowly. They didn’t give him much chances.

Dean was in shock, he wanted to scream, cried. How could this happen to them? Doctor was talking to him but Dean didn’t listen, he didn’t want to. Things he was saying weren’t consolatory, he was telling him the frightening truth. The little hope Dean still had was slowly vanishing every word the doctor said.

“Please, do something,” Dean begged, grabbing doctor by shoulder with a tight grip and looking directly at him, “You have to do something.”

“We’re trying but – ,”

“You’re just trying? My brother is dying there and you are acting like it doesn’t matter!? You have to do something!” Dean shouted. He wasn’t blaming doctors though, they’ve done everything for Sam and he knew it. He was angry at himself because he was the one that could prevent it.

People were looking at them. He made a scene here but there has to be something. Something that will help Sam.

“Mr. Winchester,” doctor lightly push his hand from his shoulder, “you should go home now, there is nothing you can do,” Dean clenched his jaw, knowing he was right, “You should go home, get some rest and sleep. We’ll get you know if anything happens.”

Doctor walked away, leaving him on the hallway alone. Dean stood there for a while, feeling so desperate and broken. He wanted to help his brother but he didn’t know how, if the doctor said he wasn’t having too much chances, what could he possibly do.

Dean did exactly what doctor said to him, he drove to his house that was now so cold and unfamiliar. Dean hated to be here alone, without anybody around it was a quiet place, sometime even shadows scared him.

He tried to fall asleep. He tried so hard but all he could do was thinking about Sam, worrying what could happen when he wasn’t with him. He was gazing the ceiling in his dark room like he could find some answer there, wishing all of this was just a really bad nightmare. But it was real, so much real it hurt him. Dean sighed, he shut his eyes and placed a hand over them.

This night was the longest night he has ever had. He constantly woke up from his dreams that were mostly just nightmares, panting and sweating he sat up in his bed with eyes wide open. After a while he laid down again just to drift into another restless sleep.

Dean got up early. He didn’t want to lay in bed, he needed to do something. He got into bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked terrible, big dark circles under his tired eyes, he hadn’t shaved in days either. He frowned at his reflection, he didn’t recognize this guy that was staring at him.

He got into the shower and turned on the warm water, letting it flowed down on his body. He enjoyed how it made him feel relaxed, for a moment he just could feel the sense of water dropping on his skin and nothing else. Like everything that worried him was just flushed away. But it didn’t have a long lasting.

After he got out from the shower, the cold air immediately hit his body just like the cruel reality waiting for him, making him shiver. He put on a towel around his waist and looked at the misty mirror, wiping it with the back of his hand. That unfamiliar face was staring at him, until he shaved and made himself look more like usual. Besides these circles under his eyes he looked acceptable.

He called to the hospital, asking about Sam. Some guy said to him it was still the same – he was getting worse every hour.

“Maybe you should come,” the guy said, his voice calm and gentle.

Dean knew what that meant. That guy didn’t say it but that thought Sam will be dead clearly sounded from the guy’s tone of voice. Dean still didn’t accept it, he still hoped Sam will be okay, he tried to convince himself with it but every moment he was less sure.

Dean didn’t go right to the hospital. He was thinking about it from the moment he got out of his bed. He drove with his baby to the square, stopping in front of the old church. He silently sat for a while just looking at the building, thinking if it was a good idea, but he was desperate and this was the last thing he could do.

Dean finally opened the car door with a creak and got out. Every step he made near the church made him feel more insecure. He wasn’t sure what to say or do. He was more and more nervous when he opened the big front door.

It surprised him. Nice interior, calm atmosphere and comforting silence. There was so much light, rays hit the ground and made colorful ornaments from the tessellated windows. He felt calmer, the surroundings solaced him and he felt more better now. He walked on a path between few rows of benches on both sides. There were two people silently sitting with heads bow, ignoring him. Dean sat on the one bench, looking around suspiciously like someone will hear him.

He connected his hands and bowed his head down, shutting his eyes tightly. He wasn’t able to find the right words, it seemed just weird for him. He has never really prayed before, so this was new to him. He sat, making words in his mind with lips articulating them just without the sound. So there he was, trying to pray for his brother.

Dean heard someone sat beside him. He quickly opened his eyes and looked at the person next to him. He met the other man’s eyes, blue like sky in a sunny day, shining and filled with honesty and warmth, he was completely mesmerized by them.

The man coughed a little, a light smile on his lips, Dean snapped back in the reality, tearing off his gaze from the man’s eyes. He noticed his black suit and black shirt with clerical collar.

“What’s the matter?” priest suddenly asked, his voice so incredibly low it made Dean blink in surprise, “You look like something very bad happened,” priest stated, slightly tilting his head, concern glowed from his eyes.

Dean nodded silently, looking down on his hands still connected, biting his bottom lip. He wasn’t sure if he could tell him about Sam, the man beside him was completely stranger after all. But he was a priest, someone you can trust to, so maybe he could help him somehow.

“My brother,” Dean began, looking at him again with a pain in eyes, “He had a terrible accident…,” he stopped and took a deep breath before he continued almost whispering, “After which he got into a coma. Now he is dying and I’m praying for him because I just don’t want him to die,” he was gazing the priest, but after a moment he looked away from him, shaking his head.

The priest beside him was quiet, understanding his pain. There was always someone who came because of their beloved, praying for them, trying to save their lives from anything. But not every time were their prayers answered and the people they were praying for died. It was horrible seeing them broken and sad after they hoped so much.

“I’m sorry for what happened to your brother,” priest apologized, knowing it really didn’t solace him. He knew the man next to him didn’t want to hear some comforting words, he could imagine he heard them a lot in hospital, he wanted someone to help him. Like everybody who came here, they expected to see miracles.

“He doesn’t deserve this,” Dean whispered, looking on the floor and rubbing his hands, light anger appeared in his voice.

“We can’t be questioning the plans that God has with us,” priest said to him with a calm voice, “Sometimes are these plans nonsensical or even cruel for us but nothing is happening without a good reason.”

Dean didn’t look at him, thinking about the priest’s words with a bitterness. Why would God wanted this.

“Please, let me pray with you for your brother,” priest asked him, making Dean look at him doubtfully. But he nodded, not tearing off his gaze from the priest. He saw him connected his hands, bowing his head down with eyes shut, Dean copied the priest’s movements after a while.

He was thankful that he came to talk to him. The priest seemed like a good man. He opened his eyes again, finding the priest did the same.

“Thank you,” Dean said, sad smile appeared on his lips.

Priest nodded silently, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it lightly. The touch sent shivers through Dean’s body. Priest smiled at him shortly, encouraging him a little bit. He got up, sliding his hands of his shoulder and gave him the last glance before walking away. Dean followed his trail with his eyes, not even once tearing his gaze from him, some woman stopped the priest and told him something, they were far from the place he was sitting so he didn’t hear anything, it wasn’t his thing either what they were talking about.

Dean got up and walked to the big doors, opening them and went to his car. He drove at the hospital. Hoping something might happen.

He walked into the hospital, immediately rushing in the direction of the Sam’s room. On the hallway, he almost crashed into a doctor who seemed to be in hurry, looking down into the file in his hands. He apologized quickly, finding it was the doctor he knew.

“Oh, Mr. Winchester,” he breathed, surprised, “I was going to call you,” he smiled widely.

“Something happened to Sam?” asked Dean scared, immediately feeling the knot in his stomach.

“Actually yes, but the right opposite of what we expected.”

Dean stared at him, the smile the doctor had confused him. He was prepared for some very bad news, not for a doctor smiling at him like a crazy.

Doctor noticed his confusion, “Less than an hour Sam’s vital signs were so low we were thinking he isn’t going to survive,” he explained, “but something happened a couple minutes before you arrived. It’s like a miracle. I… I can’t believe it,” he shook his head, “Your brother is fully recovered and healthy now.”

Dean looked at him, raising his eyebrows, he couldn’t believe the words he was saying, “He is okay?”

“Yes, he even showed signs of consciousness. You should go after him.”

Dean breathed out heavily, a light smile spreading over his lips. He nodded to the doctor and rushed into Sammy’s room.

He was laying in the bed, looking much better than he saw him before. He wasn’t so pale and any of the monitors didn’t beep loudly. Dean walked to his bed and sat on the chair, reaching with his hand to touch Sam’s arm. He sat here a while, looking at him.

Suddenly Sam’s eyelids trembled. Dean snapped his hand back, eyes wide open. He was scared that he’s hurt him. Sam’s eyes opened slowly, he blinked a few times, looking around him at the white walls after he found Dean sitting next to him. He smiled a little.

“Hey,” Sam tried to say, but it came out of his lips like a weak whisper.

Dean breathed out, not knowing he was holding his breath back, “Thank God,” he said, leaning over and lightly hugged his brother. He could feel the weight fell from his shoulders.

Sam weakly grabbed him by his arm, not knowing why was Dean suddenly hugging him, and tried to push him back. He felt so weak, tired, his head and eyes hurt him from the bright light that was in the room. Sam was confused, he had no idea where he is or why is he here. If there wasn’t Dean, he would probably freak out.

“Where are we?” he asked, when Dean pull away from the hug.

“You don’t remember?” Dean sat down again, gazing him.

Sam shook his head lightly, shutting his eyes for a while.

“You fell down on stairs at school and got into a coma. We are in hospital now,” Dean explained.

Sam had still his eyes shut. He didn’t say anything, Dean was looking at him, thinking about something he could say. Nurses came into the room with a doctor, checking Sam. They talked to him and asked him some questions. Dean could see how Sam was tired. They gave him some food, he ate it immediately and then he fell asleep again.

Doctor took Dean on the hallway, unbelievably shaking his head. “I’ve never seen something like this. It must be a miracle, because…,” he stopped and smiled a little. “We are going to have your brother for an observation for a few days. We have to make some test to ascertain how bad the injury damaged his brain,” doctor said, “But if everything will go well until four or five days he can go home.”

Doctor looked at him directly, “After this, your brother will need help to fully recover, you have to be with him all day,” he warned him.

Dean promised he will take good care of him, doctor nodded and walked away, leaving him alone. Dean went into the Sam’s room, staying with him a little bit longer before he drove back at home. It was still so cold and empty there, but the thought Sam will be here soon cheered him a little and it made him forget to think about negative things. He started to preparing things for his brother’s comeback.

After a couple of days, doctor called Dean and said he can take Sam home. His tests they made were good enough to dismiss him. There was just the loss of memory before the fall. Dean arrived at hospital, finding Sam already at the hallway waiting for him. One of the doctors was sitting next to him, making sure he was okay. When he saw Dean he stood up and talk to him, giving him useful advices before they will leave.

Dean helped Sam got into his car because he was still a little bit clumsy. The way home was calm, he checked Sam every while he could, flashing at him quick glances while they talked. Sam silently smiled at his brother behavior, he felt like he was little. They arrived home, Dean cut the engine off and sigh. He looked at Sam next to him, lifting the corner of his mouth in a faint smile.

There he was, sitting next to him, looking weak and so fragile, but he was there. It made Dean so happy that he could get back with him. He couldn’t imagine, and he even didn’t want to, what it would be if Sam had never woken up. These thoughts chased him before, when he was laying in bed still awoke, listening the shuddering noises around him and trying to ignore the dark shadows creeping out of the night that sending chills on his skin. He remembered these nights he couldn’t sleep, worrying about Sam.

“Dean?” Sam called with a grin while he opened the door, making him realized he was just staring at him, “Are you coming or what?”

He was up to say something but Sam slammed the door before he could open his mouth. He shook his head and got out, too. He rushed to his brother, offering him his arm. Sam pushed him lightly away, walking slowly to the front doors. Dean went beside him, close enough if he needed some support. They got in, Dean closing the door after them. He turned to Sam, finding him standing next to the couch and looking around.

“Finally home,” Sam said with a small smile on his lips.

He sat down on the couch and loudly sighed. He was looking forward to finally get home. He hated that hospital, the smell and environment. It terrified him that he spent so much time there, even he didn’t remember it.

He knew he was talking with Jess while they were doing their project, looking in her eyes and leaning into a kiss. She didn’t pull away and it surprised him, he thought she didn’t like him. He could feel her hands in his hair while they were so close to each other. And then it just went black, nothing than emptiness with a strange noises around him. Like he was sleeping, but without the dreams, so it was strange to him when he suddenly woke up in some white room with Dean next to him.

He was frightened. So much light attacked his eyes, noises filled his ears and that weird aroma he could smell. Fear sent chills trough his body when he couldn’t move his arms first. But he calmed down quickly when Dean hugged him, whispering him comforting words. He asked him what happened, and Dean told him. If he wasn’t laying in the hospital bed, he wouldn’t believe him. He felt strange, like some piece of puzzle was missing, he couldn’t remember anything from that day.

Now he was just tired and hungry. He looked for Dean, turning his head to the kitchen, finding him there. He was already doing something, he could hear the noise of boiling water. After a while Dean come with a plate of spaghetti.

“I know you have to be hungry,” Dean said, placing the plate on the table in front of him, handing him a fork.

Sam smiled at him and thanked. Dean sat beside him and talked to him. Evening crawled fast, outside was already dark and they could hear the strong wind bumping into the walls. They got into beds earlier, Sam was tired and needed sleep and so was Dean. All the worrying about Sam hit him and exhausted him.

For a long time, he could finally drift into a calm sleep.

Days went fast. Dean was on leave, fortunately Garth understood him. He took care after Sam, sometimes he knew he probably must annoy him a lot. Sam was sending him to the work all the time, saying he is fine. Dean always said something sarcastic, pissing off Sam even more.

Dean was glad that Sam’s friends came often to visit him, bringing him notes from school, because he felt like he would kill his brother soon being with him alone. Other family members came too, everyone hugging Sam and asking him about how he is feeling. Jess visited him a lot too. He watched them, falling in love, and he just had to smile at that cute couple.

Dean went back to the job while Sam was still home, he had to fully recover but it looked good enough to leave him there alone. They settled down again, leaving that event in the past, trying to forget about it. And it helped, they were happy again.

 

* * *

 

 

After two days when he was at work, Dean remembered the priest in the church. He totally forgot about him when he was busy with Sam. He wanted to see him and thank him. When he was heading home he stopped his baby next to the church and got out, slamming the door afterwards and looking around. Nobody was outside, the square was quiet, almost too quiet.

He walked up the stairs that led to the front door of the church, he could hear the voices behind the door raising louder every step he got closer. He opened the door slowly and peeped in before he went inside.

It was right after the mass. There were so many people, some sitting on the benches, talking to the others and some standing up, walking to the front door. Dean stepped aside so they could leave. Some woman with a child that was holding her skirt looked at him while passing with the crowd.

Dean looked around, trying to find someone in a black suit with a white collar. One priest he wasn’t recognizing was standing in front of him on the other side of the big room, talking with a man and woman. Dean made his way to him on the path between the row of benches, still looking around and trying to dodge other people walking against him.

He got closer when the man and woman thanked the priest and walked away. Dean approached him, getting the priest’s attention.

“Can I help you?” the priest asked, with a ringing voice.

Dean had to look down at him, because the older man in front of him was smaller than him with a big belly he covered with his connected hands.

“Yes, I’m looking for a man, a priest too, with black hair, blue eyes and about this high,” Dean raised his hand in the air to show.

Priest opened his mouth to say something but he shut it quickly and looked behind him. Dean furrowed and turned around.

“Looking for me?” black haired man asked with a smile, his voice still surprising Dean.

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to talk to you,” Dean nodded, nearly forgetting what he wanted as he stared at the priest.

Older priest approached the younger one and whispered him something in ear, making the dark haired man furrowed a little, before he walked away, leaving them alone. People were gone and the church was quiet and calm again.

“Please, come with me,” the priest suggested him, leading him from the place they were awkwardly standing to a long bench. They sat, Dean felt a little bit weird, there were no one but just them, he cleared his throat nervously.

“How is you brother?” priest asked carefully.

Dean was surprised, he wasn’t hoping he would remember him.

“That’s why I’m here,” he began, “I wasn’t sure if the prayer will help when I was leaving from this place. But he woke up and he is good now.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” priest said, lifting one corner of his mouth in a slight smile, “Sometimes we just have to believe.”

Dean smirked a little at the priest’s words, regarded him curiously. This man in front of him was strange. He had this odd feeling whenever he looked at him but he couldn’t figure out what it was, “I’m here to thank you.”

Priest blinked in surprise and tilted his head, “You’re thanking to the wrong one. I just helped you to get your prayer answered.”

“I know, I’ve already thanked Him but not you. And as you’ve said you helped me,” Dean insisted with smirk.

Priest was looking at him speculatively, “You are so stubborn,” he said after a while.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Dean grinned.

Priest shook his head and smiled, he wanted to add something but the front door suddenly opened loudly and woman rushed in, looking around, trying to find someone. Priest stood up immediately all tensed up, flashing a look at Dean.

“Excuse me, please,” he said and got to meet her in the halfway.

She was telling him something, whispering. She looked very upset. Priest tried to calm her. Dean didn’t hear what they were talking about but it wasn’t his business.

After a minute the woman was walking to the front door again, much calmer now. Priest came back to him and sat on the bench, sighing.

“I’m sorry I’ve left so quickly,” he apologized.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” Dean waved his hand. “Something’s wrong?”

Priest shook his head and shut his eyes for a moment, “Just little things we have to deal with,” he brushed it off, looking somewhere else in front of him, obviously thinking.

Dean was looking at him, on his face now from the profile, studying him. He was good-looking, he had to admit. An interesting person too, someone he would like to get to know better.

Dean cleared his throat, making the priest blink and turned to face him.

“By the way, I’m Dean,” he smiled and stuck his hand out to shake.

“Castiel,” he shook his hand with him, reciprocated the smile.

“So, Castiel,” Dean rolled his name off the tongue, “how can one become a priest? Ain’t it boring sometimes?” he asked curiously.

Castiel smiled at his words, “We just know,” he shrugged.

“It can’t be like you wake up in the morning and you suddenly know,” Dean joked, wanting to find out as much as possible.

Castiel chuckled quietly, shaking his head and looking at floor, “No, that’s not how it works,” he looked up at him again. “Becoming a priest is a mission. Helping others with their prayers and praying for them, listening to them, it’s something you choose and you’re intent to give it everything. You can’t be forced to this because than it’s pointless what you’re doing,” he paused for a second, “And yes, sometimes it gets quite boring.”

Dean listened to him, to his voice so calm and gentle but rough in a same time. He could imagine to listen to this voice for hours.

“You always wanted to be a priest?” Dean asked, not wanting him to stop.

Castiel froze a little at his question and bit inside of his cheek, thinking about an answer, “Yes, there wasn’t anything else I could do.”

Dean noticed the change in his mood and how was his answer sounding so untrue, like he was forced to believe in it. Maybe his question was too personal, he certainly didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

“Do you have some mass?” Dean asked quickly something else.

“No, I’m not here too long and I’m still too young to do a mass. I just listen to people’s confessions and give them an absolution,” Castiel answered.

Dean nodded, “You have to hear some… pretty bad things. Is hard to forgive them sometimes?”

“This isn’t my work to judge them but they’re responsible for their sins they’ve made.”

Dean nodded lightly again, thinking about it.

They sat in a silence, close to each other but out of the touch. Someone walked in, closing the heavy door after them with a muted bang. Dean jerked his head up and turned to look at the person. He heard Castiel stood up so he turned back at him. He was looking at the woman, that was waiting for him to come near her.

Dean stood up too, making Castiel looked at him again.

“So,” Dean began, “That was a nice talk, I’m glad to get you know.”

“Me too. I hope we’ll met again.”

“Yeah,” Dean shifted from one foot to another.

“It was nice to meet you, Dean,” Castiel stuck his hand out to shake.

Dean shook hands with him and smiled for the last time, “Have a nice day, Castiel.”

He turned away and walked to the door, he opened them and looked back, the woman was turned with her back to him but he focused on Castiel who was talking to her. Their eyes met for a second, just a quick glance, but for them it seemed more longer. They could see just them, being alone in the church, ignoring the surroundings like nothing else existed in that moment.

They broke the glance immediately, Castiel looking back at the woman and Dean turning away, walking out of the church.

He felt weird. More different like something changed in him while he was at the church. And that their look. He felt it mean more than just some look, it was more intense than that, even in that small amount of time. He shook his head to get away these thoughts that made him feel kinda uncomfortable.

He drove at home, he couldn’t explain that feel he had at the church. He tried to brush it off but it came always back. Something was on that Castiel. He noticed he was just staring at him, not really thinking, wishing he could listen to his voice longer.

“You okay?” Sam suddenly asked, looking at him with concern.

Dean snapped back into the reality, realizing he was holding his plate with a fork, staring in the distance. He spiked with his fork the food and swallowed it quickly.

“I’m fine,” he said, continuing eating.

“You seem a little bit off.”

“S’nothing. Just a rough day.”

Sam shrugged, knowing he wasn’t going to say it to him anyway.

Dean was like this for the rest of the day. He was thinking about Castiel even he really didn’t want to, it was like he had his head full of that dark haired man.

He was laying in his bed, gazing the ceiling above him. He couldn’t sleep. He wasn’t even tired, he just rolled over his bed, shifting positions in which he would finally fall asleep.

He thought about his mum, how she said to him once when he was scared of the shadows in his room that the angels are watching over him. It was a long time ago, he was eleven, Sam was a newborn baby and their mother was still alive. When she died, there was anyone who would tell him sweet comforting words. Their dad changed, he started to drink a lot to kill his pain and sadness. But he got angry every while and then there was Dean who took all the beating to protect Sam before his own father.

It was a terrible childhood, for Dean it was like he wasn’t having any. He was forced to be older than his age, he must protect Sammy, he promised that he’ll protect him.

Their father mostly ignored them, sometimes he didn’t even get home. They were alone, scared and hungry. Dean could still remember his first stolen food from the grocery shop. He was all shaking, nervous and frightened what if they catch him. But they didn’t, they never did.

Their father sucked at his role like a parent. Dean was so sorry that Sam hadn’t the chance to get know the feeling of motherly love. But when their father died, they were left alone. Dean was nineteen, Sam was nine. Without Bobby they would get separated in different families, but he gave them a new home.

They were so thankful, but just when Dean could he took Sam and they moved back into their old house. But after few years they moved again, into this town, because their old place evoked the painful memories.

He shut his eyes and turned onto his stomach, one hand tucking under the pillow. He fell asleep in a while, dreams came one after another, mostly something weird and senseless.

One dream was different, it seemed so real. He was with someone but he couldn’t see the person’s face. They were close to each other, maybe too close for his liking. He could feel the hot breath on his skin, the fingers traveling on his body, under his shirt. It was very intimate but lovingly careful. He sighed, eyes shut, enjoying every touch of their finger, their lips kissing him so soft and gentle. He couldn’t do anything, not even lift the finger on his hand. But he didn’t mind at all. The way he was kissed and the hands were caressing him was enough for him.

Dean woke up suddenly with a shock. It was morning again. Rain was bumping on the window and the room was dark because of the lack of sun. He sat, rubbing his eyes. He tried to remember the dream he was having, but he forgot it immediately. He had more these dreams after this, but he couldn’t remember them.

 

After a few days, Dean completely forgot about his thoughts of Castiel. He was busy in work, they gave them so much to do. But he was glad for that, his mind wasn’t obligated with so many useless things and thoughts.

Every morning he woke up with a feeling he was having some sort of weird dream that he couldn’t remember. It drove him crazy, he couldn’t tell what they were about. Sometimes he remembered just flashing images of himself with someone. He had feeling he knew the person, but he never saw their face.

Once at time Dean and Sam drove to the bigger town to bought some things, especially food, and looked around a bit. They walked the street leading to the square, sometimes they stopped and looked at the storefront. They wandered further and got on the square, in the middle was standing crowd of a few people with the paper boards, signs writing on them.

Dean focused on them, reading what they wrote. _‘GOD HATES FAGS’_ or _‘FAG = ANAL SEX = DEATH’_ and even worst. A group of religious fanatics, fulminating the homosexual’s rights and others religions too, screaming about sins and confession. Dean furrowed at that unpleasant sight.

Sam vanished in some of the stores, leaving Dean alone. He looked around, thinking if he would go somewhere too. He didn’t want to stand here and watch the group, they made him feel angry. Who gave them the rights to talk about this anyway. He walked away before he would go and punch someone of that dicks.

He calmed when he couldn’t hear them anymore. Sam appeared next to him, saying he have everything he needed. They walked back to Dean’s baby and drove back home.

Days after weren’t better, Dean was most of the time all grumpy and tired from the work, he even couldn’t get a peaceful sleep.

Dean was heading home but not really feeling like he wanted to go there yet. He stopped right at the church while he was driving around. He got out and went to the front door, opened them and walked in. He put his hands into pockets, wandered on the path made of the rows of benches, looking around. He tried to find Castiel, have a little chat with him again. But he couldn’t see anybody in a black suit.

The church was empty, just quiet. He noticed the confessional booth on his right side. He thought maybe there was someone. He walked closer, thinking if he should go inside. He shrugged and opened the door.

“Hello, child of God, I’m listening” the familiar male voice sounded from the other side of the boot. Castel’s voice.

“Father, I have to say I’ve never confessed. So I don’t know what to say,” he said, apologizingly smiling even he knew the priest couldn’t see it.

Dean saw the shadowed profile of Castiel’s head through the reticulated window, slightly moved when he spoke. He definitely recognized him.

“Dean?” Castiel asked with a surprise in his low voice, “What brought you here?”

“I just passed by. Then I thought I could visit you… and now, well, I’m here to confess, father,” Dean said in a playful tone.

He heard Castiel chuckled, “So tell me, my son, have you sinned?”

“I can’t decide what I should pick first.”

“You should say everything you can remember. Confess and you will be abandoned.”

Dean dramatically cleared his throat before he began, “Father, as you know I’m just a man with needs that needed to be done and a nice girl – well she know how to take a good care of it.”

“So fornication, you know that’s a deadly sin.”

“Deadly sin,” Dean shook his head, “Aren’t we living just only once? So I want to enjoy my ride here for how long I still can.”

“I can’t demand from you to stop, it’s just your conscience, your life. But you know what happen the souls that were same and sometimes even worse than you. My advice is to be more temperate so your soul will have enough rest in heaven” Castiel said seriously.

Dean looked at his hands, thinking about what he said to him. There were things, serious things that burdened him, things that didn’t give him the restless sleep.

“Is there any heaven at all?” Dean asked quietly, almost a whisper.

“I would like to say yes, but – “

“So why are we so concerned about it. I don’t think it’s a good comfort either, trusting in something we aren’t even sure that exist,” Dean raised his voice, interrupting him.

Castiel stayed silent for a while, not knowing what to say.

“Dean,” he spoke to him, “that is what faith is about, believing in things that others can deprecate. For some people is trusting in something, such as a higher power like God, comforting in their hard times. Remember yourself, you came here and prayed, plead for the miracles,” Castiel talked to him with a calm voice, not trying to convince him but to show him the real reason of this.

Dean was quiet, he knew Castiel was right. He came here and he wanted to believe like everybody did.

Castiel got a little anxious that Dean hadn’t said a word yet. He was up to ask him something, when Dean suddenly spoke to him.

“I’ve life a terrible life and my father made it even worse after our mother died. I had to steal food for me and my brother when he totally ignored us and I had to take care of him when the man he called himself our father died too. I got laid with most of the women I’ve met not even knowing their name, I drink a lot and other things I’m not proud of. And I regret it, really truly regret,” Dean confessed.

Castiel listened carefully, he blinked with shock when heard about Dean’s parents, “If you really regret the sins as you’ve said, I can’t see any reason you shouldn’t be forgiven. You have to keep in your mind what you’ve said,” he paused, looking at Dean through the window, watching him slightly nodded with head bowed.

“God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace,” Castiel recited, making the sign of the cross, “and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

Dean listened to him, when Castiel stopped, he opened his eyes, not knowing when he shut them.

“Lord will forgive your sins. You can go in peace,” Castiel said to him, watching he looked up at him.

“Thank you,” Dean said quietly.

He opened the door again and stepped outside of the booth. He blinked a few times because of the light he wasn’t used to. He glanced back at the booth, turning back and walked to the front door of the church.

He drove back home. He noticed every time he stepped out of the church something felt different. Castiel always told him something that made him think about it. It felt weird to confess to someone he barely knew. But somehow he used to it pretty quickly. He didn’t even mind that he told it to Cas.

Dean broke off, he just gave him a nickname. It was strange. He never did that to anybody except Sam, but he was his family. So what made Cas so special he unawares called him like that.

He thought about him a lot though, but that didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t like he liked Cas. They didn’t even know each other and he definitely didn’t swing that way. In his life were always so attractive women, no men so it was out of the question he felt something for him. But something in his mind just kept reminding him he lied to himself. He didn’t listen to it, he just shut it behind the door, ignoring it.

He certainly knew he wasn’t gay or bisexual or whatever. He couldn’t be and even if he was other people weren’t going to accept him. That was how the society worked.

He was in denial, the more he was thinking about it he got less sure. He quit with it, the whole thinking, and focused on other things he had to do.

Dean was with Sam, they talked and watched something in TV. It was a calm evening.

Sam was still with Jess, all in love with her. Dean could see it in his eyes. They sparkled when she sometimes came along, Sam had that big smile on his lips too. It made Dean happy, at least Sammy had someone.

They survived their first Christmas in a new house, Bobby with Ellen come to visit them. They ate, talked and had fun. It was a good day. Sam smiled a lot, thanking for the presents all over again. Dean was just glad that it ended fast.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! There you have another lovely chapter :) Another update will be probably more late 'cause I got few ideas for two fafictions so... I have a little mess in everything.  
> Anyway, thank you for the kudos and I can't belive there are people who really read this... like Oh My God O.O

January 24

-

It came the day when Sam went to the school again, after the long pause he had, it was a little bit difficult to adjust but with the help he got from his friends he wasn’t so scared. The kid who pushed Sam from stairs got expelled. Dean wanted to know everything when he came back home. Sam said it was okay, he was glad that kid was gone.

Days went after another and they settled down again. Some time passed, it’s been a while Dean was in church to confessed. He didn’t go there then, not knowing why. But he blamed the work that occupied most of his time.

Dean was just at work, finishing repairing one car before he was going to drive home. Some workmates came to him, asking if he wants to go with them to have some drinks. Dean shook his head, declining. He wanted to go home, he was a little tired and he didn’t feel like a drinking tonight.

He drove back home stopping in front of the house. He walked to the door and opened them.

“Happy birthday!”

He stopped in surprise. Sam, Bobby, Ellen, Jo were there, smiling at him. He totally forgot it was his birthday today. He smiled and walked in, closing the door after him.

Sam went to him and gave him a hug, “Happy birthday, Dean,” he wished and patted him on back.

They pull back and Dean came closer to the others.

“Happy birthday ya idjit,” Bobby said, grabbing him around shoulders.

Dean smiled, “Thank you,” Bobby let go of him.

Ellen approached him and placed her hands on his cheeks, looking at him with a smile, “Look at you,” she said, “You grew up so fast in such a handsome man.”

Dean grinned and pulled her into a hug and she patted him on the back.

She’s known him like a little boy, before their mum and father died. In that time she lost her own husband, staying alone just with her daughter Jo. Then she became like a mother to them, too.

“You’re getting old now,” Sam joked.

“Shut up,” Dean smirked and pulled away from the hug, “I’m not even in my 30s.”

“But you’re close.”

 “Guys, stop bickering or I think I’m gonna eat that pie alone,” Jo called jokingly, placing the plate with apple pie on the table.

“Someone said pie?” Dean asked, hurried to her. Jo just laughed at his reaction.

They were sitting, talking and laughing till evening, when they had to leave. Dean hugged Ellen and Jo again, beckoned at Bobby. They wished them god night and left.

Dean with Sam cleaned the living room and washed up the dished together. They stayed awoke late till night, Dean ate another pieces of pie, smacking his lips.

When he got in bed, he was so tired that he fell asleep immediately. Having another dream, he didn’t remember in the morning about him with somebody quite familiar.

It was Saturday morning, a few days after his birthday, Dean woke up surprisingly early. He sat on his bed, running hand through his hair. He wasn’t going to lay in bed again, he stood up and stretched.

He walked downstairs to find out they ran out of bread. He sighed and went to dress himself. Sam was still asleep, Dean walked silently to his room. He picked some shirt and jeans from the closet, putting them on. He took his wallet laying on the nightstand and walked quietly downstairs to the front door, taking from the peg his jacket, and went outside. The cold air hit him, making him shiver. He straightened the collar of his jacket and wandered to the shop. He didn’t have to go long, in less than ten minutes he was in front of the shop, he opened the door and got in.

He wandered in the shop, putting in his basket food he wanted. He was ready to go to pay. Dean passed by the corner of one shelf, looking at the other side than he was going. He bumped into a person standing there, making them drop something they had in hand.

“Oh, sorry,” Dean kneeled down and picked up some little box. He stood up again and looked at the person in front of him.

“Oh, hey Cas,” Dean smiled surprised, handing him what he picked up.

“Hello Dean,” Cas said surprised too, grabbing the box from him, “Thank you… and Cas?” he tilted his head a little, raising his eyebrows.

“If you mind me calling you like that I’ll –“

"No, it's fine," Cas assured him, "just nobody has called me that," he looked at his hands and smiled just before he gazed Dean again.

This man in front of him was interesting. He didn’t live here a long time, but he got to know most of the people like a priest. He knew their fears, their lives and sins they've done even after their confession just to come again and purified their souls. But they weren't so interesting like Dean. He brought with him into this town something. Something that made Cas start to think about him a lot more.

"Why aren't you at church?" Dean suddenly asked.

Before Cas could answer some people tried to pass by them but the corridor of the shop wasn’t wide enough for all the people. Dean had to squeeze close to the shelf, more closer to Cas to let others get through.

Dean realized how close they were. Just a few inches and their clothes would rub against other. There was like no personal space right now. Cas had slightly bowed head, looking anywhere but not at Dean, he just flashed him a quick glance through his lashes. All what could Dean just do was trying to not stare at him. In which he failed too. Because there were his eyes and his lips he could kiss.

Dean stepped immediately back when he could, clearing his throat awkwardly, shocked he was just thinking about. He noticed how Cas relaxed when he pulled back.

"Uh... I have day off but Father Tyler is there," Cas remembered Dean's question.

"I see," Dean rubbed the back of his neck nervously, he hasn’t even remembered what he asked him.

"I should probably go to pay," Cas said, flashing him a smile, breaking the awkwardness between them.

"Yeah, I'll go too in a second," Dean put his free hand into a pocket.

They said their byes. Dean looked at Cas leaving to pay, he sighed and turned the other way just wandering in the shop. He went to pay then, making sure he wouldn't meet him. Cas wasn't there.

Dean exited the shop, walking down the few stairs and stopped suddenly. He saw Cas standing outside, near him with a woman. She was telling him something but stopped when she noticed Dean. He knew her. Macy smiled a little and checked him out. There was no anger or hate in her eyes.

Cas noticed she was looking somewhere behind him, he turned around just to found Dean. Macy brought her attention back at Cas, saying something to him, making him face her again. She smiled and walked to Dean, swinging her hips with a light seductive smile on her red lips. Macy approached Dean, passing next to him not stopping, looking directly at him with a lust. Dean reciprocated the gaze without any emotion, just a blank expression.

"Hello Dean," she said and walked away, not looking back.

Dean clenched his jaw. He really didn’t know what was with her. He shook his head and focused on the way. Cas was few steps before him, he hastened to catch him up, slower his steps when he walked beside him.

“So where you live?” Dean asked.

Cas looked at him a little bit furrowed. Dean was curious what has Macy told to him. She was really close to Cas when he exited the shop, probably something personal.

“Not too far from here,” Cas answered, looking at him for a while, then he just gazed the path they were walking on.

“Ain’t it quite far from the church?”

Cas smiled, looking at the ground, “Yeah, it’s a walk but,” he shrugged, “I like walking.”

Dean smirked, he looked around but then resting his eyes on Cas again. He noticed he had a little bit red nose and cheeks from the cold air. He almost thought how adorable it looked.

“And where do you live?” Cas suddenly asked, looking at him with a tilted head.

“Not far from here too, so we have a common path.”

Cas nodded, staying silent for a while. They walked next to each other, making sure they weren’t so close this time.

“So I see you’ve meet Macy,” Cas stated, his eyes locked somewhere in the distance in front of them.

Dean couldn’t escape the tone in which Cas mentioned Macy’s name. He said it with such disfavor.

“I got to know her,” Dean admitted.

“So….,” Cas hesitated, biting his bottom lip for a moment, “are you close to each other?” he looked at the ground.

Dean furrowed. Was Cas really thinking he was having something with her? Did she say something?

“No, no,” Dean said stressed, raising his hand slightly in a defending gesture, “nothing like that. I barely know her.”

“Oh, okay,” Cas still didn’t look at him, clearly embarrassed he asked.

“Did she say something?” Dean asked. He had to know if she was saying some fakes stuff about them. The whole talking about her wasn’t really comfortable to him too as he could see on Cas.

“What?” Cas jerked his head up, looking at him, “No, she didn’t say anything,” he shook his head and furrowed, “but you don’t know her.”

“Yeah, I don’t know her,” Dean repeated, “You don’t like her, do you?” he stated curiously.

Cas slowed a bit, “Is it that obvious?”

Dean chuckled, “Yeah, it is. What does one had to do to make priest dislike them?”

“Well the whole her hitting on newcomers, on every new handsome man for a night stand,” Cas shrugged, “I’m sorry I assumed you and her –“

Dean waved his hand. That would sound like her, “Did you just call me handsome?” he asked jokingly.

Cas’ face immediately flushed, his cheeks red from the cold air started to burn, “Uh… I – I didn’t mea – .”

“Relax, man,” Dean laughed at his embarrassment, “I’m just messin’ around.”

Cas shook his head with a smile and bit his bottom lip.

“Anyway, did she hit on you too?”

Cas laughed a bit, “Yes, right in the church actually. A few days after I’ve came here,” he looked up, remembering. “But who can resist the priest,” he said with a corner of his lips lifted with a light smile.

Dean chuckled. They walked in silence, he looked they were, not so far to his house actually.

Cas stopped suddenly, making Dean turn at him. They were standing before street leading to the right side.

“I’m going this way now,” Cas pointed at the direction, looking at Dean.

“It was nice to see you,” Dean smiled.

“We should meet someday,” Cas suggested, “I appreciate the little talks we have.”

Dean nodded, light smile in his lips, “I would like to.”

They say goodbye and went to their houses. Dean came home in a few minutes, finding Sam walking downstairs, rubbing his eyes.

“Mornin’, sleepyhead,” Dean called and entered the kitchen, placing the bag full of food on the counter.

“You’ve been outside?” Sam asked, following him to the kitchen.

“Yeah, I met a friend too,” Dean pull out the food from the bag.

Sam turned the kettle, taking mugs from the cupboard, “A friend? Who?” he asked immediately surprised.

“What’s with that surprise?” Dean said jokingly, “Just a friend.”

Sam didn’t say anything, he just nodded. They had breakfast, after that Sam watched something in the TV. Dean was upstairs, cleaning his room. He couldn’t figure out when he’s done so much mess.

After he cleaned a bit, he walked downstairs and sat next to Sam on the couch with a sigh. He glanced at Sam who was on his phone, definitely texting with Jess. He had that dumb amorous smile whenever he got the text from her.

Dean took the controller and sat more comfortable, giving his feet on the table. He switched the channels, not really interested in what was playing in.

A couple of hours when they finished the lunch and washed up the dishes, Sam hurried to his room. He walked downstairs again, passing by Dean to take his jacket from the hook.

“Wait, did you scent,” Dean smelled the perfume when Sam was close to him, “Where you goin’?”

“To meet with Jess,” Sam explained.

“Oh, a date,” Dean grinned.

Sam turned to face him, “Shut up,” he said with a smirk and put on the jacket. “I’ll be home after dinner, maybe,” Sam opened the door, “Later.”

“Later,” Dean called after him, right when the door shut.

Dean was bored most of the time he was at home alone. Sam really came after dinner. Dean wasn’t asking about their date, Sam won’t tell him anything either. They stayed up quite long. Sam was most of the time on his phone again, Dean just watched some crap. Sometimes they had a little chat.

Dean started to feel tired, he got up and went upstairs to the shower and then right to the bed. He slept well, having no dream at all.

 

After a week he remembered what Cas has said to him. They really should meet. He left from work earlier, saying Garth he need to go somewhere.

He stopped first at the church, he wasn’t sure if Cas would be there or at home. He didn’t have number so he couldn’t just call him.

He entered the church, some people were there, sitting on the benches, ignoring him. He walked further on the path, approaching the unfamiliar priest in front of him.

“Hello, is Castiel here?” he asked, when the priest looked at him.

“No, today he isn’t,” the man said and clenched his hands in front his stomach.

“Oh, and… do you know where he live?” Dean asked, biting his bottom lip.

Priest described him the way. Dean noticed how was the priest looking at him, it was like he tried to figure something out. When he told him the right way, Dean thanked and walked away, he could feel the gaze on his back. He was really glad when he left from the church.

He drove the way priest described him, parking his baby on the empty space he could parked, near where the house was. He walked the rest of the way, steam raised from his mouth how he was breathing.

He came near the right house, slowly went to the door and walked the few stairs. ‘Castiel Novak’ he read on the white little note next to the bell, he pressed it, hearing the bell ring.

He stood there a moment, he felt quite nervous. He was just going to ask him if he would have some time to chat. So why was he all tensed up like he was going to his first date?

The door opened suddenly and Cas appeared between them. It kinda surprised him when he saw the casual clothes instead of the formal priest’s.

“Hello Dean,” Cas said surprised, “What are you doing here?” he tilted his head questionably, leaning at the door frame.

“Hi Cas,” he smiled a little too, “I was wondering if you have time for a little chat,” Dean rubbed the back of his neck unawares.

Cas smiled a little and straightened again, “I have a time actually,” he stepped aside and pointed inside his house, “Please, come in.”

Dean entered his house, looking around a bit. He heard the door closing after him, he half turned around to meet Cas, walking pass him. He led him to the small room which was supposed to be a living room with a couch and armchair next to it and between a small glass table. Cas suggested him to sit down. Dean walked to the couch and sat.

“Do you want something? Coffee, tea…,” Cas asked, standing between the door frames, waiting for the answer.

“Uh… Coffee sounds good,” Dean answered while taking his jacket off and placing it next to him.

Cas disappeared somewhere, leaving him alone. Dean looked around curiously. There weren’t so many things he could looked at and that could give him some hint about Castiel. No pictures or photos of Cas or his family. The living room was small and simple, not so much things were there, beside the couch, armchair and table. In the corner of the room was standing a small cabinet with a few plants and TV. There wasn’t anything he could look at. He clenched his hands and rested them on his lap. He noticed the thick small book laying on the armchair with a cross on its cover.

From the distance, he could hear the water boiling in the kettle and the clinking of spoons in the mugs. After a while Cas walked in with two mugs of a hot coffee in hands. He placed them on the table, one in front of Dean.

“Thanks,” Dean, said, grabbing the mug by its ear and raised it to his lips, burning the tip of his tongue when he took a sip.

Cas took the book from the armchair and put it at the cabinet. He sat down then, taking the mug and sipped.

“So what bring you here?” Cas asked.

Dean put the mug back at the table, “I remember you’ve said we should talk someday again,” Dean smiled, looking at Cas, “So I’m here.”

Cas smiled a little and nodded slightly, “I’m glad you came.” He furrowed afterwards, “How did you get my address?”

“I went to the church, looking for you but you weren’t there,” Dean shrugged, “I just asked some priest where you live and he told me.”

“That’s quite complicated,” Cas admitted.

Dean smirked, “I don’t have your number so that’s why,” he said just like that and took another sip. It was still too hot, “And how’s the life?” he  asked cheerfully.

“Just like the old, same and still quite boring,” Cas nipped the arm of the armchair with a nail.

“You don’t go somewhere to have fun?”

“Uh… no, I don’t,” Cas said hesitantly. “Maybe because I don’t have someone to go with.”

Dean raised his eyebrows and leaned forward, “Don’t tell me there is nobody you talk to more than just in the church,” he said unbelievably.

Cas bit his bottom lip. Dean was now the only one he has talked to. And he was even the closest man in the town to him.

“Well we definitely have to change that,” Dean suggested, smirking at Cas.

Cas smiled slightly, feeling quite nervous. He never talked to these people outside of the church, no one ever showed some interest in him. So he was surprised that Dean was so interested in him. Maybe it was because he wasn’t local too. He considered him as a friend though.

“You live alone?” Dean asked, starting a new conversation after a while they were staying silent. “No woman in the house?” he smirked a little, curious what would Cas say.

He just smiled, knowing Dean would ask about it, “Yes, I’m alone here,” he held up his head with the hand, elbow resting on the arm of the chair. He watched Dean raised his eyebrows, expecting him to continue. He smiled a little.

“You certainly know,” he began, “the connection between woman and priest is forbidden. We can’t marriage or have kids. It’s against our vows.”

Cas was looking at Dean, he noticed his green eyes swept to his lips for a second, quickly flashing back to his eyes. “So I’m not in any relationship.”

Dean nodded but he quickly furrowed, “So,” he began curiously, “you haven’t been with any woman?” he asked, squinting his eyes.

Cas cleared his throat, licking his lips a bit, “No,” he said.

Dean raised his eyebrows, saying nothing and looked at his hands. How old could he be, they were probably in same age, maybe Cas was a little older but he really hasn’t been with a woman? Did it mean Cas was still – No, he wasn’t going to think about it.

“And what about your family, I don’t see any photos of them,” Dean looked around and then back at Cas, changing the topic.

He noticed Cas clenched his jaw and his blue eyes normally so soft and warm immediately hardened, despise and anger filled them. Something wasn’t right. He leaned back again, hand rest on the arm chair, clenched in fist.

“I don’t have any photos of them,” Cas said dryly, without any hesitation.

Dean furrowed. His family wasn’t great either, but he had some photos, not all of them were hanging on the wall of course. But they reminded him them. Maybe that was the reason Cas didn’t have them on show.

“We didn’t really get along,” Cas added, noticing Dean’s confused expression.

He wasn’t going to explain his relationship with his family. It was too personal and he didn’t want to Dean find out everything about them and especially about him. He feared that he would walk away from him, leaving him with disgust. And now when he was so glad he could actually talk to someone in a friendly way, he wasn’t going to ruin it.

“Oh, that’s…,” Dean wasn’t able to finish what he was going to say, he realized he started a wrong topic for the conversation. He shut quickly, looking at the floor with hands rubbing together.

“Just don’t talk about it again,” Cas pleased.

Dean nodded silently. He screwed it up so much and he knew it. Yeah, he didn’t know about the bad relationship Cas had with his family, but who could blame him for being a little curious? He promised not to bring this again and he will keep it that way.

Dean took another sip of the coffee and then put the empty mug back on the table, he wiped his mouth with the back of the hand. Cas has already drink all his coffee too. Dean could feel something bad in the air, something uncomfortable between them.

“And how’s your brother?” Cas asked, beginning new conversation.

“Sam is doing fine,” Dean smiled a little, “He went at school this week after three months at home. Man, I’ve never seen someone so happy they can go there,” Dean laughed shortly and shook his head, looking at his hands.

Dean heard Cas chuckled, amused by his brother funny behavior. His heart skipped a bit, he snapped his head up and looked at him. His eyes were softer now, whatever bad was in them that he had brought on has disappeared already.

“You didn’t see him, he was begging me to let him go there,” Dean said, “one more week and I was going to lock him somewhere.”

“I’m glad your brother is okay,” Cas said friendly, one corner of his mouth lifted in a light smile, looking directly in his eyes.

Dean smiled a little. He reciprocated the gaze, getting lost in Cas’ eyes. They were just the same as he first looked in them in the church. Maybe they were a bit tired. But still, Dean could stare at them and never get tired, he was mesmerized by the bluest blue he could see, like a sky without any cloud.

“Uh… Me too,” Dean snapped back in reality, realizing he was staring at Cas without saying any word for a time. “Doctor said it was a miracle when he woke up,” Dean said, “he was dying after all.”

Dean was there a little longer, they talked, getting know each other. He found about Cas he was a great man and for him an amazing person. Cas didn’t talk much, especially about his personal stuff, but he had fun with him. They became more and more comfortable with each other, they talked so easily like they’ve been friends for years.

“I should go now,” Dean said, standing up.

Cas stood up too, watching him grabbing his jacket and putting it on. He walked him to the front door.

“So, what do you think we go somewhere sometime,” Dean suggested, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Fine,” Cas smirked a little, “you aren’t still bored of me?”

“Come on,” Dean shook his head with a smile, “I’ll call you and we would meet up somewhere,” he suggested.

“Okay, I’ll give you my number.”

Dean handed him his phone so he could write it. They say their byes and Dean exited the house, walking to his baby parked in the same place as he left it and he drove back home.

Dean called Cas the day after he visited him to make sure he had the right number. He was home from the garage, walking back and forth in a living room with a phone in his hand. He didn’t know if Cas was still home or in the church or somewhere else and he certainly didn’t want to bother him.

Sam walked downstairs, looking at him questionably while wandering to the kitchen. Dean ignored him and called Cas, raising the phone to his ear. He heard just ringing for a while and Sam making noise behind him in other room. He bit his bottom lip nervously.

“Castiel Novak, how may I help you?” the low voice sounded out of the phone, seeming tired and stressed.

“Hi, Cas. It’s Dean,” he said, “Am I bothering?”

“No, you’re not. I have a pause now.”

“You’re in church?”

“No, I’m working in library,” a sigh echoed from the phone.

Dean blinked surprised, “You work in the library?” he asked.

Cas obviously heard his disbelieve, he chuckled a little, “Yes, I work too. How do you think I pay my bills?”

They talked a little longer. Dean made jokes to cheer Cas a little up. His laugh echoed in the phone, making Dean smile. Cas sounded more calmer and kind of happier.

“Sorry,” Cas said in distance in a lower voice to someone, “I’m making too much noise here,” he returned back to the phone, whispering clearly to Dean.

Dean could imagine Cas laughing too loud, making everyone looked at him with angry looks.

“Thank you, Dean,” he said suddenly.

“For what?” he asked confused.

“I had a long day, feeling not so well and tired, most of the people here made it even worst, but you made me feel better,” Cas said, “I haven’t laugh in a long time.”

Dean smiled, that’s what he was trying to do, “Well, you’re welcome.”

Cas sighed, “I have to go, my pause is over,” he said.

Dean heard some woman talking angrily in background, Cas said quickly something to her Dean didn’t catch up, making her hush up.

“I hear you have some nice workmates,” Dean stated, “Speak to you soon, Cas.”

“Bye, Dean,” Cas hung up.

Dean lowered the phone, keeping it in his hands. Sam walked pass him to the couch ad sat down with a food.

“I would like to see that Cas,” he said.

“Why?” Dean furrowed, putting the phone in pocket.

Sam shrugged, “You don’t talk to anyone that much. Something is special on him for sure.”

Dean rolled his eyes, shaking head. They were just friends, nothing more. And nothing made Cas so special to him, it would mean he felt something for him. And he definitely didn’t feel anything. Maybe there was something that made him think about him, look at him in not so as-a-friend way.

There was something in his eyes, he has never seen any so blue, they were clear, pure almost angelic. Like he could see a soul with them. But not just eyes. He likes his messy dark hair that seemed so soft just to touch it, his voice, his laugh.

Dean stopped, realizing all this he once thought about one girl. The little things he liked to watch on her, that made his heart skipped too. They were quite similar, Cas and her. But she left him with a broken heart, with an empty space in his chest. He didn’t really love her but it hurt though.

So was he really feeling something for him? Or he was just imagining things. He was confused, he never was with another guy, he didn’t know what it was like. This brand-new feeling scared him a little too, if he was really into some guy what would other people say. Will he disguise them? Will they abandon him? Hell, he even didn’t know if Cas was into this. He was definitely straight and a priest too. There was no chance at all.

He needed time. It was hard admitting something like this when he wasn’t even sure if it was true.

He went sleep earlier today. He wasn’t really tired though but he fell asleep quite quickly. Dreams came on him, nothing he would remember in the morning.

Again he was with the person, the exact same dream like usual. They were kissing again, close to each other, but still not touching. Dean never touch the person in front of him, he just felt their hands on his body, traveling all over the places, and that delightful lips locked on his. He deepened the kiss, their tongues dancing for dominance. He usually wasn’t able to move a finger. But now he felt his hand rise, touching their arm. He traveled over their upper arm to their shoulder and slid down on their chest, feeling the hot skin and muscles under his fingers. His other hand ran through their soft short hair.

He stopped suddenly.  Dean realized he was with a man. He pulled away, his hand still on the man’s chest. He looked with eyes wide open at the man’s face. He saw a hint of familiar bright blue eyes staring at him.

Dean woke up with a jerk, laying on his back. He was feeling hot and sweaty. He sat, tossing away the sheets and hanging his legs over the edge, touching the cool wooden floor with his feet. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. Did he just have a dream with Cas? And did he really kiss him, enjoying all of it?

He didn’t know what to do, what he was even supposed to think about it. Something was telling him he had this dream recently and it didn’t give him a good feeling.

He didn’t sleep the whole night after it.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean had more of these dreams, remembering most of what happened in them. He couldn’t resist against it, he didn’t have any control over his body in the dreams, he felt every touch on him and he felt the other body under his hands too.

He couldn’t believe he had this kind of dreams about Cas. It felt wrong. But in the dreams he certainly enjoyed all of it. How was Cas’ body so vulnerable and soft on touch. It drove him crazy. He wanted to touch him, feel him, pleasure him just to hear a sweet sigh escaping from his lips.

Week after week Dean talked to Cas, they met sometimes too. It was all weird for Dean. He always remembered his dreams, quick flashing images of Cas appeared in his mind every time they were together. He felt awkward and embarrassed.

He realized he was looking at Cas differently, he checked him out a lot, unawares. His eyes sometimes swept between Cas’ eyes and his lips. Cas caught him, the eyes so green he couldn’t describe with words staring at him in a seductive way, making him turned away to hid his blushing face.

Dean figured out he felt some attraction towards him. It freaked him out a lot but if he really felt it that way he calmed quickly. He wasn’t against gays like most other people were here, he just never thought he would swing that way too.

It was just Cas. These feeling he had for him never showed for another man. Dean stopped deny it. He had a massive crush on Castiel Novak, on the priest in a local church. He was so screwed up. There was no chance he could make it up to Cas. He knew that but it didn’t stop him to flirt with him a little. He had to smile when Cas tried to play it cool, all flushed up.

Dean just walked into the house, he didn’t even shut the door after him when he saw Sam running downstairs.

“Hey, Dean,” he called stressed, “I need something,” he hurried towards him. “I need you to drive me to the library.”

Dean furrowed, “Wha – Why?”

“I need to scan some books and papers there to the school,” Sam said urgently.

Dean sighed and shut his eyes for a second. He was tired, he just wanted to eat something and go to sleep, “You’re such a pain,” he sighed defeated.

“Thanks,” Sam said, taking his jacket.

“Wait, we’re leaving now?”

“Yeah?” Sam stopped, “They’re closing about an hour.”

Dean gave up asking more, he just walked outside again, leaving Sam behind him. They drove to the next city, where was the library Sam wanted to go. Dean planned staying in his car first, but he went with Sam inside.

It was a long time he was in some library. This silence was really uncomfortable for him. Sam walked somewhere, leaving him alone. He turned around, looking for something interesting he could kill some time with.

He wandered around a bit, smiling on some nice girl that walked pass him. He went further, seeing a hint of a black hair. He blinked. In front of him was standing a familiar male figure behind a counter. He saw just his back, but he was sure he was just looking at Cas.

He approached him, looking at Cas who was putting down some books on another pile of books.

“Hey, Cas,” he greatened friendly.

Cas turned quickly, facing him, “Dean?” he asked surprised, “What are you doing here?”

Dean smiled a bit, “Sam needs to scan some books, so I drove him here.”

Cas nodded, bringing his attention back at the books. Dean rested his hands on the wooden desk of the counter, leaning forward. He watched Cas silently. He was obviously ignoring him, scribing something into a file. Dean watched every move he did, just admiring the view. He was dressed nicely, white shirt, jeans, nothing special but he looked good.

Cas finally closed the file, sighing in relief and looked at Dean. They started a little talk about nothing important, making silly jokes. People around were giving them annoyed looks how loud they were but they just ignored them, smirking at each other like small kids.

Dean loved the sound of Cas’ laugh, his heart fluttered every time and the warmth filled his body. He just could think about his eyes, these innocent blue oceans, looking at him with a joy. The lips with one corner lifted in a smile, that lips he had kissed in his dreams so many times. He just could wonder if they were so soft and delightful like he dreamed. God, he wished he could kiss them right now.

He knew him about two months now, they became really good friends. And like friends they were going to stay, Dean made sure his didn’t show his feelings. And it fatigued him. There was no chance for him. But he was in love with Cas.

Sam approached them as they were talking, clearing his throat a bit. Both looked at him, Dean remembering that Cas’s never seen his brother before, “Oh yeah, Cas, this is my little brother Sam.”

“Nice to meet you, Sam,” Cas smiled at him, “Dean talked about you a lot.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Sam grinned, “I finally get to meet you, too.”

Dean didn’t even know how it happened but in few minutes he was between a nerdy conversation about books. He was totally lost when they were calling names of some dudes he has never heard of. Fortunately, they stopped soon, Dean said goodbye to Cas and headed with Sam home.

“Castiel seems… cool,” Sam admitted when they were sitting in the car on their way home, “I like him. And it seems like he’s very close to you.”

“Yeah, we’re friends,” Dean furrowed a bit. Did Sam notice something? Was he too obvious? “Are you implying something or what?”

“No?”

“Fine,” Dean said and looked at Sam, “Look like both of you are nerds,” he changed the topic quickly.

Sam grinned, “It won’t kill you to read a book sometime too.”

“Nah, I think I’m good.”

The drive was silent then mostly. It didn’t take them long to get home. Dean had to think about their little talk in the car. Sam couldn’t know something. Maybe after the way he’s reacted Sam will suspect something soon but definitely not now.

And if Sam noticed, what was Cas possibly thinking about him? He flirted with him a but looked like it Cas didn’t catch on. And Dean started to be a little tired. He knew he didn’t have any chance. But it was hard to simply stop love that man.

And now there he was, sitting in his baby with Cas right next to him. He drove through the night, drumming song on the steering wheel. He was still quite surprised Cas agreed to go with him to the bar. He just tried to ask him and he said yes. Well, this was going to be fun.

Noise of many people, smoke and smell of alcohol hit them when they walked into the bar. Dean led their way to the stools in front of the bar counter, trying to walk pass the crowd of drunk people. They sat, Dean ordered two beers. Waitress winked at him and smiled, he just gave her a quick faint smile, turning his head to Cas.

He looked at him, tracing with his eyes over the Cas' face in a dull light of the bar. He already stopped deny he really liked him. But in Cas eyes they were obviously just friends. Just Dean was having frickin’ gay dreams about him, making him questioning his sexuality.

They were already drinking beers, talking and laughing. Just a nice evening with friend. Dean noticed how close they were sitting, their hands resting on the counter next to each other, he just could simply move and they would touch. But of course he didn’t do it.

He looked over his shoulder at Cas who was gazing him too. They held their looks quietly for a while. Dean could tell there was something hidden in the way they looked at each other, he only focused on Cas. Noise, people, everything – it just echoed from the distance.

Dean couldn’t overlook Cas biting his bottom lip and stopping immediately when he realized what he was doing. Cas broke the gaze and turned his head forward, avoiding another eyes contact.

He cleared his throat, “And what about you?” Cas asked, drumming with his fingers on the desk nervously, “You have a girlfriend?”

Dean chuckled a little, “Not now,” he smirked. “I haven’t been in a relationship for a – ,” he thought a moment, “for a four years.”

God, it was so long since he broke up with her. But he still remembered the day, every details of her flat all messy with clothes tossed on the floor, of her naked body under the sheets with a blushed face and tousled black hair with eyes looking at him with terror and shame. And that guy laying with her, on her, touching her all over.

“How come?”

Cas’ voice threw him back to the reality. He shrugged, “I have a bad luck on girls, I guess.”

“It didn’t go well?”

Dean furrowed, he didn’t really want to talk about it, “Yeah, we have hella fights,” he paused, thinking if he should tell him.

Screw that.

“And she cheated on me,” he took a draught of the beer, licking his lips afterwards.

Cas was silent, he didn’t look at him.

“It hurt like bitch,” he laughed short bitterly, “I just don’t want to go through it again,” he flashed Cas a look.

He looked at him, sympathy in his blue eyes, giving him short faint smile.

They were there a little bit longer, talking about more funny things. Dean paid then, trying to ignore the waitress still smiling at him seductively. They exited the bar, leaving noise and drunken people behind them, and walked to Dean’s car.

Once they parked in front of Cas’ house, Dean cut the engine off. They sat in silence for a moment.

“Thank you for asking me to come with you,” Cas said, looking at Dean with a joy in his eyes, “I had a great time.”

Dean smiled, “Me too.”

He noticed how Cas’ eyes twinkled, his pupils dilated because of the dark outside, covering all the blue around them. God, his eyes, his lips. Dean couldn’t think straight.

“I hope we’ll go again,” Cas lips curled into a smile, an adorable small smile with head slightly tilted.

Dean noticed all these little things, “Definitely.”

Cas nodded and reached his hand to open the door, “Goodnight, Dean.”

He didn’t want him to go.

“Cas, wait.”

Cas turned back, head tilted in confuse.

Dean quickly leaned closer, not really thinking what he was doing. He closed the gap between them, hearing a gasp escaping from Cas’ lips before he connected them with his own, their noses smashing together.

He didn’t care Cas was straight, this was something he wished to do. He didn’t care if this ruins their friendship. In this moment he was kissing these soft lips he dreamed about.

He pulled back in a moment, looking at Cas. He was gazing him with wide eyes, lips slightly parted, surprised, shocked, terrified. He blinked a few times, looking away. Without any word, he opened the door.

“Cas – .”

“Dean, I – I can’t,” he said weakly, “Not this.” He got out of the car, “Goodbye, Dean.”

“Cas, wai – ,” his words were drowned by the slam of the door.

He watched Cas walking to his house, not looking back at him. He started the engine and drove away. He was so angry at himself. He fucked up everything. What he was even thinking? Right, he wasn’t thinking.

He knew how much he fucked it all up. He tried to call Cas, text him. But nothing. Cas didn’t speak to him. For two weeks. He certainly disguised him, frightened him. Goddammit, he was a priest, what he was expecting. For two weeks, he tried to focus on something else, tried to forget it. But it was still in his mind.

Suddenly the phone vibrated. He was home from the garage, sitting on the couch and watching some crap in TV. He reached for him, finding a message. In his surprised it was from Cas.

 _From: Castiel, 6:15 PM  
_ _Please come to my house if you can. I want to speak with you._

Dean furrowed. He wanted to talk about the kiss. Definitely. He got up, taking his jacket and went outside. He walked to his house, clearing his thoughts, wondering what he should say.

He wasn’t ready when he stood in front of the Cas’ front door but he was there. He wasn’t ready to press the bell but he did it. And he certainly wasn’t ready for the upcoming conversation.

The door opened and Cas appeared between them. He was obviously in the library today, dressed like he was there.

“Hey,” Dean said insecurely.

“You’re here, come in,” Cas opened the door, stepping aside to let him go in, and closed after him.

He led him into the living room, “You want something? Coffee?” he asked politely.

“Nah, I’m good.”

Cas stopped in the living room, suggesting Dean to sit down, crossing his arms.

Dean stood a few steps in front of him, “You wanted to talk.”

Cas silently stared into his eyes for a moment, thinking about what he was going to say, “I want to ask you something about the night we went to that bar,” he said.

“Shoot,” he already knew what was Cas going to ask.

“Why? Why did you kiss me?”

There we go. There was no need to hide something.

“I kissed you because I like you,” he said simply.

Cas blinked, “Like me?” he narrowed his eyes.

“Yes,” Dean stepped closer, “When I first saw you in the church I thought you were cute and wanted to get you know better. And,” Dean paused and chuckled a little, “I fell for you.”

Cas stayed silent, looking at him and listening every word. His silence didn’t help Dean. Should he apologize? Or walk away? Both maybe? He was nervous and sweating, he shifted on his feet, feeling anxious under the Cas’ look.

“I’m sorry for disgusting you. It’ll be better if I just buggered off,” Dean turned on his feet and started to walk to the front door.

“Dean,” his name sounded behind him, weakly but somehow urgently.

He almost turned back, almost. But he didn’t need to listen any abuse from Cas. He really wanted to get out of here, “Bye, Cas.”

He heard quick steps going after him. Suddenly hand gripped his shoulder and jerked with him forcefully, making him face Cas.

“Dean, wait.”

“Cas, I’ve already apologized! What else you want from me?” he snapped, looking into the blue eyes.

Cas clenched his jaw, gazing him for a moment before he looked away, holding his hands together with a thumb rubbing against them anxiously.

“You didn’t disgust me,” he said, looking at his hands, “I’m the one who is disgusting, shameless, hopeless – ,”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true, I’m a priest. I’m not allowed to love, to make love to somebody not even to kiss,” Cas looked back at Dean determined, “But I’ve met someone who made me now want to break the rule, the vows, everything.”

Dean stood in awe, he scanned Cas. He couldn’t find words. Cas stepped closer, there were few inches apart. Dean swept with his eyes at Cas’ lips and back up.

“Let me do something,” Cas begged.

He leaned forward slowly, his eyes locked on Dean’s, seeing his pupils dilate. He was so close to him he could feel Dean’s hot breath on his lips. He hesitated shortly. He can’t do that. He could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest like it was going to crack. But this was something he wanted to do.

Cas leaned forward, closing the small gap between them with closed eyes. He was kissing Dean innocently, feeling his soft and hot lips on his own. He felt Dean melted into a kiss, tilting his head slightly, their lips brushed against each other. Cas pulled back again, lips agape with a light blush on cheeks.

Dean raised his hand and ran with his thumb over Cas’ cheekbones, grabbing his head in his hand. He was looking at Cas, mesmerized. He leaned to kiss him again, melting into his lips more passionately than before.

Cas clenched his hands onto the hem of Dean’s jacket, not knowing what to do with them. All of this was new for him.

“Relax,” Dean whispered in his ear, feeling how was Cas all tensed.

Cas relaxed as Dan said, releasing the grip from his jacket. He leaned into another kiss, hand traveling over Dean’s shoulder and stopped at the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

Dean slid his hands at Cas’ waist, bringing their bodies together. He felt Cas hand on his chest.

“We should take it slow,” Cas pushed him away lightly, breaking the kiss and breathing deeply.

“You can,” Dean smirked and connected their lips again forcefully, making Cas gasp.

Cas protested for a second before he gave up and let him do whatever he wanted. He felt Dean’s hand slid from his waist under the shirt, touching his bare skin with cold fingers, sending chills through his body. Cas couldn’t resist, he leaned into the touch, feeling like was burning inside.

Dean smirked into the kiss when Cas huddled closer. His body was close to his, fitting together like they were meant to be. Cas hand ran through his hair, fingers tugging in, making him sign. This aroused him, he bit Cas’ bottom lip suddenly in raunchy way, making him hissed a little in surprise, and licked it with his tongue afterwards to get access. Cas hesitantly opened his mouth slightly. Dean slid his tongue inside, taking over the dominance.

Cas submit to Dean, letting him touch him and kiss him passionately, even though he was scared, scared if this wasn’t just dream or a very live imagination. He let a low moan escape from his lips, sensing whole new feelings. Dean’s hand under his shirt drove him crazy too.

Cas pulled away to catch some air, panting heavily against Dean’s lips just like Dean who was all flushed up too. Dean ran with his thumb over Cas’ lips, placing a soft kiss in the corner of his mouth.

“Slow… huh?” he chuckled against his lips, nose nuzzling with his.

Cas smiled, eyes shut. Dean pulled out his hand under the Cas’ shirt. Cas was already missing how close they’ve been, his caring hands on his body. He rested his hands around Dean’s neck, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

 “So… what are we now?” Dean asked suddenly.

“I assume more than just friends.”

“Yeah,” Dean placed a soft small kiss on Cas forehead, “I can dig that.”

They just stood for a while like that, embracing each other, enjoying the closeness.

Cas sighed, he had to ask even he knew it would probably ruin this moment, “What now?”

“What now what?” Dean asked, not understanding what he meant.

Cas pulled away, looking into Dean’s eyes with seriously, “Dean, we can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?” Dean stepped back a little, having a better view at him.

Cas sighed, shaking his head and slid his hands from Dean’s neck, “This – this isn’t right. I – I can’t.”

“What are you so scared of?”

“I don’t know, Dean, maybe other people finding out?” he said sarcastically, his voice became more louder than he meant it to be. He shook his head, trying to calm down a bit, “And they’ll find out, somehow, sometime and I don’t want to know what they would do to us.”

“Cas,” Dean said calmly, soothing him, “nothing’s going to happen, not to you or me, okay?” he cupped his chin in hands, getting lost in his eyes.

“You don’t know that,” Cas said weakly.

“I won’t let somebody hurt you, promise.”

Cas gazed him, worry appeared in his eyes with guilt. He quickly swept with his eyes away, shutting them for a second, “This isn’t right, I shouldn’t have – .”

“Kissed me? Yeah,” Dean chuckled, “But if you haven’t I would do it anyway.” He slowly ran over his cheekbones with fingers, gently touching his skin, “Do you regret it?”

Cas hesitated for a moment, thinking about it, “No.”

“Good,” Dean leaned to kiss him, meeting Cas’ lips in halfway, melting into them.

“Screw them,” Cas sighed, making Dean pulled away with eyebrows raised, “I don’t care about others. We just have to be careful.”

“Just like this?” he brought their lips together again, kissing them passionately.

“More like this,” Cas whispered into Dean’s lips before kissing him again eagerly with tongue sliding into his mouth, playing with his.

Dean low moaned, feeling Cas’ hands running into his hair, sending chills through his body. He grabbed him by his hips, pulling him closer. He tiled his head slightly, getting more access. He took over the dominance, feeling Cas’ body so vulnerable. It was kinda same like in his dreams but this was reality and was much better.

Cas pulled away, catching his breath, panting lightly with flushed face. Dean didn’t give him any second, he traveled with his lips over Cas’ jaw, biting it playfully, down to his neck. He sucked one spot, biting it afterwards, making Cas sigh.

Cas raised his chin, giving Dean more space, eyes tightly shut. His skin burned at places Dean kissed him, bit him. His whole body was shivering in excitement, wanting even more. He moaned in pleasure when Dean discovered with his lips that sweet spot, making him lose his mind a bit. He felt Dean smirked, sucking that spot more eagerly just to hear more of his sighs.

“Dean,” he sighed aroused.

Dean hummed softly, making his way back at Cas’ jaw, biting it playfully and pulled away.

Cas sighed discontentedly, getting used of the lack of touch again. Dean’s chuckle made him open his eyes again, finding that two green eyes staring at him lustfully. His hands slid down next to his body when Dean stepped back. Dean’s hands disappeared from his waist. He was already missing that touch, the warmth under his palms.

“Take it slow… huh?” Dean smirked.

Cas smiled, shaking his head, “You want something to drink?” he asked.

Dean thought for a second. He would like to be here but he needed to go home. Sam was probably worried where he went in such hurry.

“I have to go home,” he said apologizingly.

Cas just nodded in response. He walked Dean to the front door. Before he could fully open the door, Dean placed a quick small kiss on his lips, “Bye, Cas,” he said in a low voice, exiting the house.

Cas watched him leaving, then shut the door and leaned at them with his back. He sighed, small smile appeared on his lips. He blinked a few times, realizing what actually happened. He ran with his hand in disbelieve through hair, head bumped against the door.

He was breathing slowly. They kissed. How was that even possible? He was gay but Dean? Even in his wildest imaginations he couldn’t think about Dean actually liking men.

He shut his eyes tightly. This wasn’t going to end well. Somebody will find out for sure. He was scared what they would do to them. He wasn’t scared about himself though but that Dean would get hurt because nobody will understand frightened him more.

Yes, he still remembered meeting Dean for the first time in the church. He saw a broken man, praying for miracle. He remembered how sad, desperate he looked. He wanted to help him. But now he needed some help. Because when he first looked in his green eyes he knew he was lost.

Dean wasn’t like everybody else here. He was different. He made Cas think about him and he realized he felt some attraction towards him. And they talked, becoming friends, really good friends. And it was getting worst, Cas knew he liked him a lot even he wasn’t allowed to.

It scared him when Dean first kissed him in his car. He was sure God was testing him. He prayed a lot. But he couldn’t hear any answers. He wasn’t really prepared for this. He was going to lie in the church about their relationship. He was going to rebel against everything. But he wanted.

Dean made him feel like he was finally living. Just a simple touch and he wanted to never let go. Just a simple kiss and he felt his body burning, wanting more.

And he wanted more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm here with another chapter - enjoy ;) aaaaaaand there is a little tiny smut...

April 27

-

They fell in love. Slowly but surely.

Dean seemed happier than before. He felt happier. And others started to notice.

Sam always looked at him like he was trying to figure something out. He always did. The time before Dean actually kissed Cas, Sam implied about them a lot. How they were good friends that Dean has had never one. And other silly talks like this. Dean shushed him every time, making him just wonder.

Even in garage his workmates asked ‘who’s that girl’. He just silently smiled every time, not saying a word. When they realized he won’t talk about her they stopped asking. But Dean still felt those gazes at his back, those whisper talks whenever he was around. It annoyed him, really. They just probably thought he was shy to speak about someone he was banging or it was some big secret. But in this town everyone loved secrets.

And they had a really big secret. There was that fear in Cas’ eyes every time Dean look into them. He was scared someone will find out about their relationship too. But they were careful. At least they tried. Their jobs didn’t allow them to see each other every day, sometimes just once in a week.

Dean was tired from the job. They had a lot of work to do so there wasn’t really much time he could spend with him. And Cas was busy too. He was at church or in the library. He was telling Dean how most of the people are staring at him, mostly smiling. They said he looked good, better than before, different in a good way. He felt so anxious under their looks like they knew something.

Dean always said something like there is nothing to be scared of and ran with his hand in Cas’ hair gently, soothing him a bit. This happened every time they could see each other, mostly just sitting at Cas’ house on couch, talking and cuddling. They enjoyed the closeness and the warmth of their bodies pressed together. They forgot about everything, everyone. There were just them.

And only them, alone.

Dean was just driving his baby from the garage. He called Sam he was going to come home later. Because of the work of course. He definitely wasn’t going to visit Cas unexpectedly. He knew he was going to be home today, he told him just between talk on the phone.

He stopped his car, looking in the small mirror to check how he looked. He got out and walked to the front door, pressing the bell.

The door opened in a while and Cas appeared with a little smile. He looked sleepy, trying to freshen up his messy hair a bit, the collar of his shirt was mostly upright. Dean just thought how adorable he looked.

“Hey,” Dean breathed out, sneaking inside.

Cas shut the door after him, shivering with the cold air, just to be pinned against them afterwards. He hummed surprised when Dean kissed him roughly, his lips melting into his.

“God, I missed you,” Dean whispered when pulled away for a minute before attacking his lips again more gentle this time.

Cas lifted his hands, traveling on Dean shoulder, feeling the cold jacket under his fingers, to the back of his neck. He brought him closer, opening his mouth to let him in. He felt Dean’s tongue slid inside.

Cas moaned a bit, letting Dean to take over control. He was still sleepy, but he kinda liked when Dean was the dominant one and he just could go with the flow. Dean’s cold hands suddenly slid under his shirt, making him gasped in relief. He reached for them with his own hands and pulled them away.

“You’re cold,” he chuckled against Dean’s lips.

Dean smiled, resting his forehead on Cas’, “So you should warm me,” he said in a low voice.

Cas bit his bottom lip, he loved when Dean talked like that. He shut his eyes, Dean’s hands covering with his own to warm them a bit. He felt he was drifting to sleep again, not caring he was still standing just in front of the door.

“Cas,” Dean called him, noticing how tired he was.

Cas snapped back, opening his eyes quickly. He pushed Dean lightly aside, walking into the kitchen, “You want something?”

“You’re tired,” Dean said solicitously, “I should go home to let you have some sleep.”

“No, I’m fine,” Cas assured him, “I took a nap.”

Dean shook his head, sighing. He took of his jacket and hanged it on a peg, wandering into the kitchen afterwards. He leaned against the door frame, watching Cas.

“As usual?” he heard him ask.

“Yes.”

Cas opened the cupboard, trying to find the can with coffee. He was so immersed he didn’t notice Dean sneaked up behind him. He jumped a little when he felt two hands grabbing him gently by his hips.

He looked over his shoulder, shutting the cupboard door again, “Well, I have a bad news,” he said with a fake graveness in his voice, “I’m afraid we ran out of the coffee.”

Dean chuckled, snuggle up to him, “What are we gonna do?” he said right into Cas’ ear, lowering his voice.

“I can serve you a hot tea instead,” Cas was trying to play his role but Dean’s presence distracted him.

“Hmm… Sounds delightful,” Dean spoke softly.

Cas swallowed hard, feeling Dean’s unshaved chin rubbing against the side of his neck, getting him goose bumps, and his lips slowly traveling on his skin. He somehow turned on the kettle, putting the tea bags into mugs.

Suddenly Dean pulled away and stepped beside him, leaning against the counter with a smirk. Cas rubbed his eyes tiredly and breathed out deeply.

“Sammy is gonna have birthday in a few days,” Dean began,” I would like you to come over.”

Cas looked at him in surprise, “You want me to come?”

Dean nodded, smiling, “There will be my family,” he paused for a second, “and I wanna show you to them.”

“Are you going to tell them?”

Dean sighed, looking down on his feet, “Uh… No.”

Cas nodded lightly, understanding, “I would like to come if Sam isn’t against it.”

“Nah, he doesn’t mind,” Dean waved with his hand, “He likes you.”

Cas smiled a little, “Okay.”

The kettle turned off in a while, stream soaring up. Cas filled the mugs with a hot water, taking them in his hands and walked into the living room with Dean following him closely.

He set the mugs on the table, noticing Dean take the blanked he was wrapped up before Dean suddenly showed up of the couch. He put aside the blanket and sat down on the couch. Cas sat beside him with a sigh, turning his body to Dean and looked at him.

Dean studied his face for a while, noticing how he looked tired, “Having a long day?” he asked, placing his hand on Cas’ thigh and rubbed it gently with his thumb.

Cas shifted a little bit closer, leaning against the back of the couch more comfortable, “Yes, you can’t even imagine out of what can people confess.”

Dean was leaning closer, smirking, “Yes?” he asked curiously.

“I have to keep that in secret.”

They were so close now they practically breathed the same air. Cas touched Dean’s cheek with his hand, traveling with fingers down to his jaw with the feel of his stubble under the fingertips. He continued to Dean’s mouth, running gently over the contours of his lips with a finger. He couldn’t help but to touch him every time they were together. He felt Dean relaxed under his caring touch.

“Let’s make this day better then,” Dean said in a low voice, closing the small gap between them.

Cas shut his eyes and melted into the kiss, moving in complete synchronization. They fitted in like two puzzles, just created for each other. Cas felt Dean’s hand on his thigh slowly traveling up to its inner but still avoiding his crotch, making him shiver a bit in excitement.

He slid with his own hand down to Dean’s chest, clenching on his t-shirt. He dared to continue even more down, hitting the hem. He tugged under it with his hand, tapping and running over Dean’s skin with wingers, feeling the firm muscles. He traveled still up eagerly, scratching with his nails slightly, making Dean smirked into the kiss.

Cas touching him like that made him go crazy. He knew Cas always hold himself back, too scared or too shy to try something. He wasn’t shy to kiss him though but Dean could always feel how insecure he was, not knowing what to do with his hands. But how it seemed not anymore.

Dean stopped thinking about everything, he just sensed Cas’ hands exploring his chest. When he felt light playful scratching, he totally lost his mind. His hand shoot up from Cas’ thigh to his chest and pushed him down.

He heard Cas gasped in surprise. He climbed on top of him, pinning him still down with his hand. He attacked his lips again, more forcefully, unable to control himself. He felt Cas tried to push him away but then he stopped resisting and let him do whatever he wanted.

He braced on his hands, resting next to Cas’ body, one leg between Cas’ legs, his knee dangerously close to his crotch. He left Cas’s lips, going down to his neck. He kissed him, lips traveling over his hot skin, trying to find his spot that’ll make him go crazy.

Low sigh escaped from Cas’ lips, encouraging him even more. And he wanted to hear more from him. He started to suck on one spot, biting it lightly in a playful way just to kissing it again.

Cas tilted his head for him to give him more space. He moaned in pleasure, making Dean smirked. That’s what he wanted to hear. He felt a hand run into his hair, tugging on it. He low moaned, sliding more down to his collarbone. He played with his hand with the buttons of Cas’ shirt, opening one after another slowly and following the trail with his lips. He reached the hem of Cas’ pants with his fingers, tugging after it playfully with one.

Suddenly Cas grabbed him weakly by the hand, “Dean, stop,” he breathed out heavily, “I don’t wan – “

Dean shifted back up to him quickly, cutting his words with kiss, hand running up and down on his chest, tracing the contours of his muscles. Cas didn’t try to push him away, too overwhelmed by all of it. Dean slid his hand down again, lightly running over the small bulge, making Cas moaned.

Dean smirked, “Someone’s a bit excited here,” he lowered his voice, gazing him.

He started to palm him slowly through the fabric of his pants. He enjoyed the view Cas laying under him all flushed up, panting and sighing. He slid his hand into his pants and boxers, touching him gently. He ran gently over his tip with thumb, stroking him afterwards. He squeezed sometimes gently, still going up and down slowly, watching him losing his mind.

Cas was trying to be quiet with a back of his hand covering his mouth, swallowing every sigh that could slip out of his lips. His other hand was clenched on Dean’s shoulder, gripping on it.

Dean leaned closer to his face, tilting his head, still stroking him, “Don’t hold back,” he whispered in his ear, “I want to hear you.”

He kissed the side of his neck below the ear. He wanted to hear his name escaping from Cas’ lips, in a way just Cas could say it.

Cas pulled away his hand from his mouth, still biting his lips, ashamed to make any sound. But he couldn’t help himself. Dean’s hand wrapped around him made him go completely crazy. It all felt so good.

And it was all so wrong.

But he didn’t think about it in that moment, he just wanted more, wanted to explode and released the pressure. He was so close now, hot moaning mess, “Dean,” he moaned his name in pleasure.

His back arched, nails nagging into the Dean’s skin through the fabric of his shirt, fingers on his feet curling. Finally, he came into Dean’s hand. He was laying, panting heavily with his mind going blank for a second. But he immediately realized what happened, how bad this was.

Dean pulled out his hand out of his pants, getting down from Cas. He stayed silent, looking at Cas slowly sitting up and hand running through the dark hair. He didn’t say a word either.

Dean felt something was a bit off between them now. The uncomfortable silence filled the room. Cas didn’t even look at him. There was no chance he could screw it up with what happened few minutes ago, right?

He reached for Cas’ arm, wanting to touch him. He needed to know what suddenly happen with him, “Cas – “

“Dean, don’t – ,” he pushed his hand away, shifting away.

Dean furrowed. Was that anger he heard in his voice? He clenched his jaw, stressed. Did he get that right? Cas was pissed at him because he just jerked him off.

Cas suddenly stood up without any word, making Dean concerned even more. He watched him walking out of the living room, he quickly got no his feet, rushing after him.

“Cas, where you goin’?” he called after him.

“Change.”

Dean shook his head, “Hey,” he reached for his arm, grabbing it and turning him face to face, “wait.”

“Leave me,” Cas shook his hand, stepping back, angry look in his eyes.

Dean looked into his eyes, bearing all the anger, “You’re upset,” he stated calmly.

Cas laughed shortly in sarcastic way, “Of course I’m fucking upset,” he stressed out.

Dean blinked in surprise. Cas has never sworn before. This was really, really bad. He stood there, not knowing what to say. Cas looked at him for a minute before he shook his head and ran upstairs. Dean followed him.

A door, probably from Cas’ bedroom, shut right before him. He sighed, bowing his head. He wasn’t going to call at Cas through the shut door, he wanted to speak face to face. They could talk it through, he just needed to wait here. He leaned against the wall, right beside the door, hands folded on his chest.

After a while, the door slowly opened. Cas walked out with clothes changed and leaned on the door frame, looking at Dean.

He had some time in his room to think about it while changing. He was acting exaggeratedly. He was just surprised how fast he gave up and submitted to Dean, letting him do whatever he wanted. It scared him for second, he tried to cover it with anger but all of it was just a fear. He has never been with a man or a woman, he wasn’t even interested in women, so this all intimate things were so strange for him. Now he was living a completely different life he had known. He was experiencing whole new things, from the passionate kisses to a handjob from another man. Quite a lot of things for a priest, the holy man he should be.

“Cas, baby, what’s wrong?” Dean’s pleading voice brought him back from the thinking, being lost in his own thoughts.

He realized he was just staring at him, still against the door frame. Dean made a step towards him, his eyes locked on him. They were green, pleading, glowing with concern. They were beautiful.

“It’s because of… that?” Dean didn’t stop questioning, “That’s why are you upset, right?”

Cas wanted to say something, already opening his mouth when Dean cut him, “You want me to apologize, right, but get this,” Dean paused, stepping closer again, “I don’t say things like that too much, y’know that, but I’m crazy ‘bout you, Cas. I’ll do everything for you, I’ll do everything to protect you if something would happen.”

Cas stared at Dean breathless. He never told him things like that, they never really shared much feelings.

“And I’m not sorry for that thing back then,” Dean said, “And admit it you like it. It felt good, right?”

“Dean,” Cas said weakly, looking at him, into his eyes, “it’s… this isn’t right. I’m breaking all the rules with this.”

Dean hold his gaze, his eyes softening, “Where’s that Castiel who said he wants to break them?” he said gently.

Cas sighed, looking down.

Yeah, he remembered himself saying that. The day he actually kissed Dean by himself. He wanted to taste his lips back then, curious. He always looked at him with adoration and it didn’t change. He just couldn’t be angry at him whatever he did. He felt a small smile appeared on his lips.

“Well that Castiel was certainly a fool for saying that,” he looked up at Dean again.

He felt strong arms wrapped around him in a gently hug, he cuddled closer, enjoying the warmth of so familiar body. Dean was hugging him long, lightly rocking to the sides.

“You’re just thinking too much,” Dean said, patting him lightly on his hair, running through it with fingers.

“Maybe you’re right,” Cas sighed in a while.

“I’m always right.”

Cas chuckled, “Yeah, definitely.”

They walked downstairs, sitting back on the couch for another hour.

When was Dean leaving, he turned back at Cas, “Don’t forget to come at the birthday.”

Cas smiled, promising.

 

* * *

 

 

Sam’s birthday started well. Dean ended at garage earlier, meeting with Bobby and Ellen at home. They waited for Sam to show up, Charlie, Kevin and Jess came along.

After they wished him and gave him some gifts, they sat in the living room, talking and laughing when someone ringed at the door. Dean went excited to open them, expecting Cas. He was a little disappointment when there was Jo standing outside with Adam right beside her. He let them in, closing the door after them when someone bumped into it. He opened it again quickly.

“Ash,” he called, laughing in disbelieve, letting him in.

He thought Ash won’t make it like he said to him.

They sat again, Dean had to bring two extra chairs from the kitchen. Everyone was here now. Well, not really everyone.

Suddenly the doorbell ringed again. Dean stood up, walking to the front door, opening them. He smiled when he saw dark haired man standing outside.

“Hey, Cas,” he greeted him, stepping aside to let him in, smirk playing on his lips.

Cas smiled, walking in, “Hello, Dean.”

He passed by him so close that their clothes rubbed, their hands almost touched. Cas wanted so badly to wrapped his hands around Dean’s neck to bring him close and kiss him just like he was used to. But he knew he couldn’t do it if he really wanted to ruin everything.

This was going to be interesting.

Cas took off his trench coat, Dean grabbed it from him and hanged it on the hook to the other jackets. Everybody was talking, glancing at the new comer, curious who was he.

Dean walked to them with Cas right beside him.

“This is Castiel, everybody,” he put a hand on Cas’ shoulder, “my friend from here.”

Cas smiled at them. This was his first time meeting Dean’s family and he felt really nervous. It started when he was home, picking the clothes he should be wearing to look at least acceptably.

They got him know as Dean’s friend though but it was for the best. He was understanding why was Dean hiding their relationship before them even they were his family. Dean was just careful, just like they said they would be. He knew how it looks when parents are disgusted by their son being gay. And he certainly didn’t want Dean to experience that too.

Cas greeted with everybody, trying to remember everybody’s name. They seemed like good people, caring and friendly.

Cas approached Sam, “I’ve got something for you,” he said, giving him a small packet.

Sam took the gift from him with a smile, he tore the paper in which it was wrapped. He was holding a book in his hands, “That’s the book!” he called surprised.

“Yes, you’ve told me about it at the library.”

“I couldn’t find it anywhere,” Sam smiled, “Thank you.”

Meanwhile Dean left to bring another chair for Cas from the kitchen, walking back and setting it on the ground next to his place he was sitting on, “Here… sit.”

Cas sat down next to Dean, he glanced at him. Sitting like this in front of his family, unable to touch him like he would usually do, made him slowly feel anxious. Dean flashed him a look, light smirk on his lips like he exactly knew what he was thinking about. Their eyes met for a second.

“You’ve never told us ‘bout your friend,” Jo suddenly said and leaned forward a little, head resting in her hand.

Dean quickly looked at her, so as Cas did, “There wasn’t any occasion to tell you,” he simply said, shrugging.

Jo smiled at his answer and it made Cas a little bit worried. They weren’t so obvious, were they?

“So, Castiel,” Ellen brought her attention at him, smiling, “what you do for living?”

“I’m a priest in the local church,” he said, hands resting on his lap, “and sometimes I help in a library.”

He found funny how everyone looked at him with eyebrows raised, obviously surprised. He had to admit he wasn’t really looking like a priest everyone always imagined. But still, some reactions were amusing for him.

“Priest?” Ellen called surprised, “And you talk with him?” she nodded at Dean.

Dean furrowed, “Hey, what you mean with that?” he said back, pretending to be offended.

“Look at you. You ain’t living a saintly life.”

He grinned and nodded with his head a little, admitting she got the point and didn’t say anything to that.

Cas chuckled, watching and listening them was entertaining, “It’s not that bad,” he said with a smile. He looked at Dean, catching his eyes for a second. He thought he would be kissing him right now if there was anyone.

Suddenly a music started to play. Cas looked at Sam who was standing with Kevin by the window and trying to tune up something in a radio. He didn’t even notice they’ve left somewhere.

“That’s my favorite song! Turn it up!” Jo called at them when she heard a familiar music, standing up and trying to push up Adam from the couch to dance with her.

He shook his head, refusing to do anything. Jo let go of him, making her way to Dean, who was just talking with Bobby and ignoring everything around him. He jumped a little when he felt a hand on his arm, grabbing him and trying to lift him up from the chair.

“Dance with me, please,” Jo pleaded.

Dean looked at her, eyebrows raised, “I can’t dance,” he tried to put her off.

“Oh shut up, you can.”

Dean sighed, standing up and letting her clenched on him. They dance slowly the rest of the song. Jo was smiling widely, her eyes sparkled. Dean rolled his eyes time after time, looking like it annoyed him but he had to smile how happy she looked.

Jo somehow convinced him to dance with her another three songs that were faster than the first one. Dean sometimes noticed Cas looking at him, checking him out inconspicuously.

Jo finally let go of him, breathing heavily, she walked back to her seat with a smile, saying she needed a little pause. Dean chuckled to himself, hands putting into his pockets.

He walked to Bobby with a grin, “Wanna dance with me?”

“Idjit,” Bobby shook his head, his gruff voice echoed with a laugh.

Dean left him with a smile, sitting at his chair again, listening the conversation Cas was having with Adam. He liked to watch everybody, the family he had. Later they started to leave so Dean stayed with Cas and Sam with Jess alone.

Dean returned all the chairs back into the kitchen, sitting next to Cas on the couch afterwards. Cas smiled at him, knowing they weren’t still alone.

“I’ll walk Jess home,” Sam called from the front door, Jess beside him, “Be right back.”

“Fine,” he heard just the door shut.

Dean immediately turned back at Cas, facing him with a smirk playing on his lips. They were alone now for a while. Radio still played in a distance, slow song echoed in the otherwise silent room, creating a pleasant and smooth atmosphere.

He touched Cas’ hand with his fingers, slowly traveling up and down, movements so slow and caring like the brushing of the fingertips on Cas’ skin would hurt him. He took the hand into his own, thumb running over. His eyes were locked on Cas, on his blue eyes now gazing him with a curious look.

He lifted his hand, bringing it closer to his chest, and stood up. He pulled Cas with him gently, making him get on his feet too. He was still looking at him with silent questions in his blue eyes, head adorably tilted to the side. He brought him closer to his chest, sliding with his other hand on Cas’ waist to his side.

Cas put his hand on Dean’s shoulder, “What are we doing?” he smiled a little.

Dean smirked, “Basically dancing.”

Cas leaned closer, chuckling to himself. Dean started to move, lightly turning around and stepping slowly along with the calm music. They enjoyed that moment, their bodies pressed against each other, hands connected. Their hearts beat along with the rhythm of the song, listening the tunes ringing in their ears.

“I didn’t know you can dance,” Cas said softly.

“I can do even more things you don’t know about,” Dean lowered his voice, light smirk playing at his lips.

They danced like this a little bit longer, to the end of the song. Dean let go of his hand then, just to placed it on Cas’ hips. Cas’ hands were resting around his neck now. He leaned closer just to place a small lovable kiss on a corner of his lips before resting his forehead against Cas’. He wished this moment would never end. He felt just peace, nothing bothering them.

He felt Cas’ moved, his nose nuzzled against his own. He opened his eyes, realizing he was keeping them shut, and looked into the innocent blue irises. Well, innocent wasn’t the right word in that moment. He found eyes dilated with a lust, the black covered the very most of the innocent sky-like blue.

Cas’ soft lips were suddenly pressed against his. He felt Cas take his bottom lip in his teeth gently, playfully pulling after it. It aroused him. He melted into kiss eagerly, angling his head so their noses weren’t so uncomfortable smashed against each other, and tried to take over the dominance. It surprised him when Cas bit his lip suddenly, he hissed with the sharp pain. Now when he wasn’t paying attention, Cas quickly took the chance and slid with his tongue down his throat, giving him no time for control.

Dean didn’t know what suddenly got into him, but he kinda liked it. Cas wasn’t often the one who stand for to be the dominant. But he appreciated this little change.

He felt a hand pushing him to step back so the back of his knees hit the couch. Cas pushed him down, sitting on his lap afterwards, and attacked his lips again. But not for long, he moved to his chin and down to the side of his neck. His hand gently rubbed over the jaw and neck while he was kissing and licking that one spot. Dean was low moaning, breathing heavily. It encouraged Cas even more.

Dean let his hand wandered into Cas’ hair, tugging on it gently. His other hand somehow slid under the Cas’ shirt, fingers tracing over his ribs. He heard Cas sighed shortly.

He brought their mouths together again, now having the chance. Their tongues danced, sliding over each other, fighting for the dominance. Cas pulled away, panting heavily with lips parted.

Dean right went to his neck, sucking on the spot he knew it would made Cas moan his name. He wanted to hear him, his sighs were like a song for his ears. He licked the soft skin on his neck, kissing it right then. Cas couldn’t handle all of it, he moaned, completely giving up.

Dean left with his hand Cas’ ribs, sliding down to his sides and back forth, going still down. He hit the leather belt of his pants, fingers tracing the material. He traveled down on his thigh, feeling Cas shiver under the touch of his fingertips slowly and gently running over.

“Dean,” Cas sighed, when he felt the hand strayed to his inner thigh.

Dean smirked and stopped his hand, teasing Cas a little, “Sitting all the time right next to me and I couldn’t even touch you,” he said with his voice lowered.

Cas bowed his head, facing Dean, his eyes locked into his. He listened to his words and his voice now so low and hot it made him feel a little tickle traveling up his stomach. He was addicted to that voice. And Dean knew it.

“Such a tease,” he kept talking to him.

He felt Dean’s soft lips brushed lightly against his dry lips. He licked them unaware to make them wet a little bit, his tongue rubbed Dean’s upper lip in the same time. He felt Dean shivered, breathing out the hot air that hit his face.

They were kissing again. Slowly melting their lips together, brushing passionately against each other, unable the pull apart. Dean’s hands made their way to his shirt, fingers struggling with the first button which he finally opened then, working on another.

“Dean, stop – ,” Cas pulled away slightly, but staying still and not trying to stop him.

“But you really don’t want me to,” Dean left his lips, wandering to his neck where he started placing rough kisses with his teeth biting and brushing on the soft skin.

Cas swallowed hard. It was too much.

“Cas,” Dean pulled away his lips from the side of his neck meanwhile still playing with the buttons of the shirt, his husky voice echoed in his ears, “stay tonight.”

It made Cas breathless for a moment.

“Dean, we shouldn’t – “

“I wanna… have you… here tonight… with me…,” Dean didn’t stop sweet talking, pausing just to place soft kisses on Cas’ mouth, on the corners of his lips.

Cas stayed still, his eyes lowered, listening that voice. His heart was beating, chills wandering up his spine how he felt so insecure. Or scared? He wasn’t prepared for this. All his courage he felt before, when his mind went blank and his body moved without control, was gone.

“Let me take care of you,” Dean continued, hand placing on the back of his neck, “I’ll make you feel so good you gonna forget about everything,” he whispered.

Cas shivered, licking his lips that felt so dry again. He could just imagine how would the night look like. A night full with sin. Two tangled hot bodies loving each other, hands tracing over the contours of muscles and skin glistening with sweat, nails nagging into a flesh.

He breathed out heavily, realizing he was holding his breath back, “Sam will be home.”

“I don’t care,” Dean whispered with a need in his voice, “I want you.”

Cas blinked, finally pulling away from Dean. He can’t let that happen, not yet.

“Dean,” he placed hand his chest, trying to catch his eyes to look at him, “not tonight,” he said gently, suddenly feeling so weak.

Something made Dean stop. There was this look Cas had in his eyes that made him slid his hands down from him. He silently watched Cas buttoning his shirt with slightly shaking hands, standing up from his lap with lips drew in a thin line.

“I’m going too fast on you, right?” he asked while Cas sat next to him, his shirt now buttoned.

Cas sighed a little, hand running through his hair anxiously, “I’m just not prepared for it yet,” he said with an apologetic voice.

Dean nodded lightly, he cupped Cas’ cheek with his hand, thumb gently stroking the smooth skin. He felt Cas relaxed under his touch with eyes shut. He hoped Cas wasn’t thinking it upset him somehow.

He understood why he was holding back. When he asked him about the night he wasn’t really thinking what he was saying, he was turned on with his mind going blank and his body controlled with a lust. But he felt he wasn’t ready for it too. Sleeping with a girl? No problem. But with a guy. He was so insecure about how it even worked, especially when he’s never needed to know. It just seemed so complicated for him. They’ve never opened this topic either, too shy to talk about it. Well, except today when he so successfully brought it to light.

“What are you thinking about?” Cas gently voice made him blink and brought him back to reality.

He lifted the corner of his lips in a half smile, “Nothing,” he leaned closer and met Cas’ lips in a reassuring kiss.

Suddenly the front door opened with Sam coming inside, “Hey, I’m back,” he called.

Dean pulled away from Cas quickly who jumped a little when the door opened. They shifted away a bit, realizing how close they were. Sam walked to the stairs, glancing at them on his way. Dean noticed the light smirk.

When he disappeared upstairs, Cas relaxed, his shoulders dropping down, “Do you think he saw something?”

“Nah, don’t worry,” Dean waved his hand, but he was tensed.

When Cas left, he stayed in the living room just watching something because it was too early to go to bed. Sam wandered downstairs, sitting next to him silently. Dean didn’t look at him. He was thinking if he should ask what he saw or not. But he found it embarrassing to ask. Maybe Sam didn’t even notice.

“What are you lookin’ at?” Sam asked after a while he was gazing the TV with fingers tapping on his leg.

“I dunno.”

Sam glanced at him, stopping with his fingers, “You want to… talk?”

Dean turned his head to look at him, he had nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach, “About what?” he asked calmly though.

“Dean,” Sam paused for a second, thinking if he should really say it, “I saw you with Cas.”

Dean bowed his head and bit his bottom lip, “Okay,” he stayed silent for a while, before looking at him again, “You’re not freaking  out though.”

Sam chuckled, “Don’t get me wrong I was surprised first, you know. I thought you weren’t into guys but I have eyes,” he said, noticing Dean’s slightly dull face, “I’ve noticed how you talk with him and… you look at him in a way that made it clear to me.”

Dean smiled, “You ain’t the only one who was surprised.”

Sam laughed, shaking his head, “So… you guys are together…?”

“About two months,” Dean finished his sentence, trying to hold back his laugh when he saw Sammy’s surprised face.

“Wow, two months… I thought about a week or so,” Sam chuckled, “I knew it would be a matter of time finding out and I’m glad I’ve seen just that.”

Dean smirked, “So you’re okay with it?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind unless you two won’t fuck when I’m home.”

“Hey, watch your language,” Dean admonished him.

He felt how the nervous feeling disappeared, he was suddenly more relaxed. He hoped when Sam will eventually find out about them he would take it in a good way. And it happened like that.

Later, when he was in his room, laying in bed right after a shower, he was wondering if he should tell Cas. He grabbed his phone after a while and texted him.

_To: Cas, 10:37 PM  
Hope you’re still awake. I talk to Sam and told him ‘bout us._

He dropped his phone next to him, waiting for the respond with eyes shut. He nearly drifted into a sleep when he heard a quiet vibration.

_From: Cas, 10:48 PM  
Yes, right after a shower and just getting into a bed. You really did that? How it went?_

Dean smirked a little at the picture immediately popping in his head of Cas with his hair all wet and face flushed from the warm water.

_To: Cas, 10:49 PM  
It went pretty well. Sam’s already suspected something but still got surprised. So… laying in bed huh?_

_From: Cas, 10:49 PM  
I assume he doesn’t mind then. No, I’m hanging upside down from a tree. Of course in bed._

Dean laughed a little at the sarcastic answer he got from Cas. But he missed the point.

_To: Cas, 10:50 PM  
Unless we wont fuck when he’s at home as he said. And aint you feeling lonely there?_

_From: Cas, 10:50 PM  
Oh, did he really said that? Still no. Are you implying something? _

Okay so we’re getting there.

_To: Cas, 10:51 PM  
Yep. Maybe… ?_

There was some pause that flustered Dean a little bit before Cas answered him.

_From: Cas, 10:56 PM  
It’s a little bit lonely here. So what would you do if you were here? Just curious…_

Dean smirked. Oh, hell he was.

_To: Cas, 10:57 PM  
Just hold you in my arms while laying in your bed and whispering in your ear._

Dean was thinking about more intimate things but after what happened today he just wrote something more innocent.

_From: Cas, 10:57 PM  
No kiss?_

_To: Cas, 10:57 PM  
If you’ll insist ;)_

_From: Cas, 10:58 PM  
I should go to sleep. Naomi asked me for help in the library so I have to get up early tomorrow._

Dean furrowed a bit when Cas mentioned her name. She was the one person that he just couldn’t bring himself to like. Maybe it was because she always found a work for Cas even he already had it enough.

_To: Cas, 10:59 PM  
Cant she just asked someone else? You’re doing there almost everything. _

_From: Cas, 10:59 PM  
Maybe. But she asked me and I wanted to help anyway. _

_To: Cas, 10: 59 PM  
You’re too kind. Goodnight, angel._

_From: Cas, 11:00 PM  
Angel? I like that. Goodnight, Dean._

Dean smiled and put his phone on the nightstand next to him and laid back. He quickly drifted into sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back, again, with another chapter for you. And it gets pretty hot there - warning smut.

June 22

-

Some time passed and suddenly it was more impossible for them to see each other. Dean had more work and it just seemed like every car that could possibly break, really broke. Outside was already hot and inside in the garage it wasn’t better either.

He found himself at the end all sweaty and tired. His dirty t-shirt stuck on his skin uncomfortably. He was seriously considering about taking it off just like some of his workmates already did. And he really wanted to visit Cas. But he was all stinky and he was just thinking about one thing, a shower and some calm for a while.

What he knew Cas was busy too. He was always complaining how many people come into the library again. Staying on his feet all day drained him a lot too.

However they were dying to see each other, there was always something that made impossible for them to meet.  And Dean had to make another plan again.

Dean phoned Cas at the evening when he was in his room, comfortable sitting on his bed with back leaning against the headboard. They talked a little, mostly about meaningless things.

“How about we meet up on Friday?” he suggested after a while of silence.

“I’m in the library on Friday,” Cas sighed.

Dean shook his head. Something just didn’t want them to be together for a couple of hours.

“You aren’t going to work that you’re asking?”

“Nope, I took a day off,” Dean said quickly, “Y’know, they’ll be fine without you there. Take a day off too.”

The line went quiet for a minute before Dean heard a sign and Cas’ gruff voice again, “I’ll try.”

“I want to see you,” Dean said low with a light smile.

“Me too… I miss you,” Cas said, obviously a smile played on his lips too.

“Two days, angel, and we’ll see each other.”

“What should I expect?”

“I’m gonna take you out to the city.”

“I’m looking forwards then,” Cas’ gently voice sounded from the other line.

They talked a little bit longer before Cas hung up. Dean just stayed in his bed, playing with in phone in his hand and looking somewhere but not really paying attention. He wanted so badly to be a Friday.

Two long days finally passed and Dean, feeling so excited, was now driving to pick up Cas. He was planning on driving to the next city and just spend some time together there.

He stopped in front of Cas’ house and walked to his front door. Second after he had ringed the bell, the door opened with Cas standing there, smile on his lips.

“Can we?” Dean stepped aside to let Cas walked outside.

He wanted to kiss him but people were wandering on the street, some of them even looking at them. This was just the moment he hated. They couldn’t hug or kiss on public without drawing any unwanted attention. He envy others couples that could carefreely show their love.

He flashed every time a look at Cas, now sitting next to him on a passenger seat, as he was driving his car. He was there, right beside him, his blue eyes locked somewhere in the distance in front of them. Dean just could think how Cas looked like he was meant to be here, being by his side.

He was thinking the right same thing when they were wandering in the city. Dean lead their way to the square with Cas was walking beside him, so close their hands were touching and shoulders lightly bumping into each other every step. Nobody was looking at them, they were just others passing through.

They talked on their way, sometimes they wandered into one of the many shops that there were built when Cas saw something interesting.

Dean couldn’t hold his smile as he was looking at Cas. His eyes sparkled, filled with joy and something that made them look even more beautiful than before.

Cas was enjoying this day, this moment. He felt excited and amused. There weren’t so many occasions he could just go in the city and spend some time here, especially when he had to go alone. But now, when he was with Dean, he could do these little things.

They were slowly wandering through the park laying in the center of the city, right now they were walking in silence on a path with trees lined around. The soft noise of leaves whispering into the light wind echoed above their heads. They found an empty wooden bench and sat on it, letting their feet have some rest.

Cas was looking somewhere in front of him, lost in his own thoughts, and totally ignoring Dean who was gazing him with a light smile on his lips. There was something that bothered him a lot. Just a simple thing but for him it was something he needed to know.

“Dean,” he began with head turning to him to get his attention, just now noticing Dean’s eyes were already locked on him, “I have to ask you something.”

“Hmm?” Dean raised eyebrow slightly.

“It’s just bothering me for a while,” he stopped, feeling somehow embarrassed and quickly regretting he even started. He was so pathetic he had to make sure about it. “Why? Why me?”

He noticed Dean shifted closer to him, “I don’t know. It had to be you, I think.”

Cas sighed and looked away, “I just still can’t believe all of this.”

“You should,” Dean chuckled, making Cas look at him again. “Cas, you mean everything for me,” he said more seriously, “And it’s just you, from the moment I saw you I knew it’s going to be you. I told you about me, my parents, my past even though you were a stranger for me. And these are things just people closest to me know.”

Cas stayed silent for a while, he was looking at his feet with Dean’s words floating in his mind, “You really told me everything. And you still had photos of them. Of your father... I just can’t understand that.”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded lightly.

“Even after what he did to you?” Cas looked at him again.

Dean took his time before he answered, “I think he would have been a different man if nothing of that never happened. And still, he was my father,” he said broodily, “You’ve never told me about your family though.”

Cas snorted, “We don’t get along much.”

“Why?”

“They weren’t really pleased when I told them about me being gay. And as right religious parents they’ve been they send me into a catholic school,” he said with spite, “to cure me and show me how loathly it was – I was.”

He was thirteen when he figured out he wasn’t really paying any attention to girls and then he first kissed a boy, who was really freaked out after it. He remember how his mother was looking at him when he told them, like he was something disgusting, she cried and yelled at him. He felt like a monster. His father took him to the catholic school by himself, but paying him any attention, not even a single word.

Dean was looking at him with surprise and disbelieve in his eyes, “So they forced you to this?”

“Yes, in the beginning. Then I just get accustomed to it and actually started to feel disguise at myself. I even had a few moments I was thinking about suicide. But I was weak and scared to do it. Then I just kept going because I couldn’t do anything else and this was the only thing I know.”

He got used to it even though he didn’t like it there. His friends he had in his old normal school were gone, they didn’t contact him. They didn’t want to or they couldn’t. But he didn’t care.

He never told anyone why he was there. His parents made clear he wanted to be there so he played like he really wanted. It was hard.

“You tried to kill yourse – “

“No, I didn’t do anything. I just thought about it a lot,” Cas lowered his voice, “When you took your life, your soul would go straight to Hell, where you’d be ripped apart over and over in screaming, brutal agony for all eternity. With that immortal sin you abnegated your heaven. And I didn’t want that.”

Dean blinked. He didn’t know anything about his past and he felt horrible for Cas. Nobody should going through this just because they’re themselves, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared you would leave me,” Cas bowed his head, “Nobody knows this.”

“I would never leave you,” Dean said softly, his hand find Cas’ and he squeezed it gently.

Cas looked around carefully, finding there were nobody around, “Thank you,” he leaned closer to Dean and connected their lips for a minute in a small innocent kiss.

They left afterwards the city, driving back into the town. Dean dropped off Cas right in front of his house, kissing him again before Cas could leave from his car. Cas thanked him for a great day, smiling at him.

Dean then drove home, walking right into his bedroom and into a shower. He relaxed and suddenly felt how tired he was. He got in bed right after shower, looking forward to go to sleep. That night he dreamed about Cas.

About a fresh blood pouring from his hands laying next to the dead body.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas was having birthday today. And Dean was planning something, a little surprise.

 _To: Angel, 3:14 PM_ _  
Hope you’re free for today evening. I’d like to take you out._

The reply came immediately.

 _From: Angel, 3:14 PM_ _  
I’m free. Where are we going?_

 _To: Angel, 3:15 PM_ _  
It’s surprise. Put on something smart and be ready before 7._

 _From: Angel, 3:15 PM_ _  
Is it a date then?_

Dean smiled a little. They’ve never called it like dates.

 _To: Angel, 3:16 PM_ _  
Yes ;)_

Dean was feeling quite nervous as he was picking clothes he wanted to wear for today evening. He choose simple dark buttoned shirt and black trousers. He ran with his fingers through his messy hair to fix it. He then went downstairs, meeting with Sam, sitting on couch in the living room.

“Whoa,” he heard him call, “Where you going so suited up?”

“Out with Cas,” he said simply with a smirk.

Sam just hummed in response, looking at him for a minute. Dean walked to him with a frown. Something wasn’t right, he seemed to be a little bit off.

“Hey, what’s with you?” Dean asked as he sat next to him, “Something happened?”

Sam sighed, looking everywhere but at him. Dean stayed silent and waited for him to say something.

“I just got into a fight with Jess,” he said finally.

Dean took a deep breath, he thought it was something more serious. But he understood his brother, he was young and this was thing that was now bothering him the most, “It’s gonna be fine, you two gonna be fine.”

“I don’t know,” Sam sighed again.

“Why were you fighting anyway?” Dean asked, he wanted to help him somehow.

Sam was silent for a while before he spoke to him, “She told me she love me and I just say nothing in response. It made her… I don’t know, angry? I just wasn’t ready, you know?”

Dean nodded lightly, understanding. Now he had the point. God, these teenage love problems.

“I feel bad now,” Sam breathed out, hand placing on his forehead.

“Hey, just talk to her, okay? You can talk this through,” Dean placed hand on his brother’s shoulder. Well, he wasn’t really the one who should give advices.

Sam simply nodded.

They stayed in a silence, Dean already slid his hand from Sam’s shoulder and he was ready to stand up.

“Dean,” he heard Sam’s voice suddenly sounded in question, “do you love him?”

Dean was looking at him, the words that came from his brother’s mouth wasn’t having any meaning, like he didn’t understand them clearly.

“Do you love Cas?” Sam asked again, locking his eyes on him and waiting for the answer.

Did he love him? He never thought about it like that. He never thought about his feelings much.

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“How do you know?”

“Because nothing make sense without him,” he didn’t hesitate, words came from his mouth as he even didn’t think about them.

Sam nodded again and smiled after a while, “You’re weird,” he joked.

Dean ruffled Sam’s hair with his fingers, laughing. Sam pushed his hand away lightly. He then looked at his phone to check the time just to find out he should go now.

He drove with his baby to the Cas’ house, stopping in front of it. He walked to the front door, pressing the ring and waiting. He was a little nervous. But this feeling left him right when the door opened and Cas appeared between the frames. He was smiling at him, seeming really excited.

“Hey,” Dean breathed out, just admiring how the man in front of him looked in a suit.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas greeted him with his gruff voice.

Cas was ready to take his trench coat when Dean’s body rushed inside his house, closing the door slightly with one hand after him. Dean cupped his face with his other hand and brought him closer to kiss him.

He was surprised first but he immediately melted into the kiss, brushing his lips against Dean’s with eyes closed. It was just small gentle kiss, nothing passionate or rough.

Dean pulled away then, still holding his face. Cas noticed his green eyes traced from his eyes to his lips and more down. He noticed the corner of Dean’s mouth lifted lightly in a small smile. He felt the hand, that was still holding him, slid down to his neck and to his tie he was struggling with an hour later. Dean fixed it a little bit before looking again at him.

“Can we?” Dean asked him, letting his hands drop next to his sides.

“Of course,” Cas nodded and finally taking his trench coat from the peg, letting Dean go outside and locking the house after them.

He was so excited when they were driving in Dean’s car to the city. He tapped with his leg into a rhythm of an unknown song that Dean let playing. Cas couldn’t get from Dean where they were heading so he was starting to feel nervous too. It got even worse when Dean stopped by a building which was looking really expensive.

And how he was thinking, it really was. Restaurant, where they were now sitting, was very nice. Dean picked a table where nobody could really bother them, it was the last table by a window.

And they ate, drank and talked. This evening was amazing for Cas. He wasn’t feeling nervous anymore. He let himself relaxed and just enjoyed all of it. This was his best birthday he has ever had.

And it still didn’t end. Their hands were connected, laying on the table but out of anybody’s view He felt Dean’s warm hand, his thumb gently running over his skin. He looked into his green eyes.

They were different somehow in this moment. Something was in them, something warm and passionate in a same way. It made Cas tilted his head, like it could help him to figure it out. Dean’s lips moved in a smile, with his eyes shining for a moment.

They exited soon after they finished their food, getting into the car again. Now they were driving into a night. Cas was happy. He wasn’t feeling like this a long time. He was happy with Dean. He couldn’t imagine anybody else to be by his side, he couldn’t imagine anybody else he would kiss.

Suddenly the car drove off the road to the field and stopped. Cas looked at Dean with his eyebrows raised. He thought they were going home.

“That’s my surprise,” Dean said gently, ignoring Cas confusion, and opened the door, getting out.

Cas looked at his figure, walking to his door and opening it for him. He got out too still very confused with his eyes on Dean.

Dean laughed at him a little, he walked to the hood of his car and leaned against it. Cas imitated his movements, standing close to him their shoulders were now touching and leaned against it the hood too.

Dean was looking up, his eyes tracing the sky. Cas wandered up too with his eyes, meeting the darkness above him. He was mesmerized by the bright stars, white shining dots spread over the dark enormous field above them. His lips twitched into a small smile. He could name all the constellations.

“It’s beautiful,” he breathed out finally.

“Yes, it is.”

He looked at Dean, finding his eyes already locked on him. He obviously wasn’t talking about the stars. It made him smile.

“Happy birthday,” Dean’s soft voice echoed in his ears.

He leaned closer, “Thank you,” he said, meeting Dean’s lips in halfway. He totally forgot about the sky, about the stars. There were just them in this beautiful moment. And Cas enjoyed all of it.

Dean’s hand slid down to his waist, bringing him closer, making Cas sigh into the kiss. Their lips were brushing against each other in a slow loving way. Cas pulled away in a while, leaning with his side on Dean, who held him around his waist. They stood there like this, feeling the warmth of their bodies, and watched the night sky above them with a tons of bright flickering stars.

“Cas,” Dean suddenly said, making him turning his head to look at him, “I love you.”

Just three simple words, Cas felt his breath hitched and his heart nearly stopped beating. Just these three little words. Nobody never told him it.

Cas’ lips parted in awe then the corners lifted in a small smile. He was looking directly in Dean’s green eyes now dilated because of the dark around.

“I love you too,” he connected their lips again in a loving kiss.

Dean immediately kissed back with his head angling to the side a little. Cas felt Dean’s hand rested on the back of his head as slowly traveled up into his hair and back down to the side of his neck. The kiss started to be more passionate and rough just when Cas pulled away and tried to catch some air.

“Come, let’s get you home,” Dean said in his ear with a smile.

Cas nodded, still breathing deeply, and felt the hand around his waist slid from him. He stepped back and was already missing the closeness. They opened the door on botch of the sides of the car and got in. Dean started the engine and returned on the road again.

This was his best birthday, definitely. He never liked that day after when he was in the catholic school and then when he moved here. He never celebrated it with anybody. But now he found someone. He found Dean and it was the best what could happened in his life. He made his small world so funny and complete.

The car stopped in front of Cas’ house. He looked at it with strange feeling and he just couldn’t convince himself to leave from the car, from Dean. He couldn’t imagine being alone there, again. He looked at Dean, who was gazing him.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said with light smile on his lips and leaned closer to him in his seat, “this was the best day in my life.”

He meant it. And he was getting sad because this day was going to end soon.

“Everything for you, angel,” Dean said in response and lower his voice.

Cas brought their lips together, kissing him gently, almost innocently before Dean leaned into the kiss and deepened it. He felt how he tilted his head so the kiss was more pleasurable. Cas raised his hand and ran with fingers through Dean’s hair, tugging on it playfully.

Dean sighed shortly in response, breaking the kiss for a moment with his lips lightly parted. Cas took the chance and slid with his tongue inside, letting it brush against Dean’s softly. He swallowed a low moan escaping from Dean’s lips, feeling his heart stared to beat more faster. He wanted to hear more from him.

He wanted to touch him so madly. He simply wanted him.

Dean pulled away lightly after a while with Cas’ hand still clenched into his hair, still so close they were breathing the same air. Cas was gazing him with his blue eyes with dilated irises, something hidden in them, something he couldn’t place it right.

Cas felt it. He felt his body was trembling lightly in excitement, his heart pounding in his chest wildly. He thought about it the way they were driving back home. But somehow he didn’t have the courage. He was scared. Scared to ask.

He felt Dean started pulling away. It made him panicked a bit, he didn’t want him to leave, not yet. God, why he was so scared.

“Dean,” he said, more like whisper.

It made Dean stopped though, looking at him in confusion. Cas didn’t want him to leave. He wanted him tonight.

“Come inside,” he whispered, his eyes locked on Dean’s with a plead.

He watched him blink a few times, obviously surprised, trying to catch the two simply words and the whole hidden meaning behind them. Dean nodded lightly after a while without any words.

They got out and walked to the front door in a complete silence. As soon as they entered into the house and shut the door after them, they stood, facing each other and still saying nothing.

Dean was the first who stepped closer, placing his hands on Cas’ shoulders and pulling of him the trench coat and letting it fall on the ground. He gripped him then by waist and pushed him lightly backwards. Cas hit the wall with his back, gasping in relief, just to be pinned with Dean’s body.

His lips got immediately attacked by Dean’s, pressing them forcefully against his but getting more gentle afterwards. Cas touched with his hands Dean’s chest, feeling the fabric of his shirt under his fingers, and traveled up to his shoulders and wrapped them around his neck.

Dean’s tongue licked his upper lip, making Cas opened his mouth and let him get in. He fought for a while over the dominance, their tongues sliding over each other. They sighed and moaned into the kiss.

Cas pulled away because of the lack of air, he was panting heavily. Dean started to placing small kisses around the corner of his lips and getting down to his jaw. Cas raised his head with eyes tightly shut and swallowed hard, he felt he was getting hard just same as Dean.

He moaned loudly when Dean rocked with his hips against him. He ran with his hand through Dean’s hair, breathing heavily and trying to held his moans as Dean kept slowly grinding on him. He felt Dean’s hot breath on the side of his neck while he was sighing.

“Dean,” he breathed out, “we should move it to the bedroom.”

Dean let go off him, groaning unhappily. Cas took him by his arm, leading them up the stairs and to the door of his bedroom. He ended up pinned against the wall in his dark room again, Dean’s hand rested beside his head like he was scared he would try to escape.

He watched Dean leaning closer, just the half of his face enlightened with the dull light that get here through the window from the streetlight, and felt his lips again brushed against his. It was soft and gentle, just to taste them a little bit like it was for the first time. Cas kissed back slowly which encouraged Dean more. He deepened the kiss, his lips roughly melting into his.

Cas raised his hand and let it rest on the side of Dean’s neck, feeling his hot skin under his palms while he was rubbing it gently. He ran up to his hair and suddenly tugged onto it while he tilted his head a little and brought Dean’s bottom lip between his teeth and pulled lightly. He heard a sharp sigh that made him lift the corner of his lips in a smirk.

He left Dean’s hair, getting a different idea what he should do, and slid his hands to the collar of his dark shirt and to the buttons. He started to unbutton them but it was hard and slow while he was still occupied with kissing Dean. His hands had a little control, slightly shaking and struggling with opening them.

Dean noticed what he was trying to do and he let him, not really helping him. He smirked into the kiss at his effort. Cas slowly made his way and opened the very last button, revealing the skin under the shirt. He traveled with his fingers over his chest and down to his stomach feeling the firm muscles under the fingertips.

Dean pulled away and stripped the shirt, tossing it somewhere on the floor. Cas’ eyes were now traveling down to his bare chest, just admiring the view in front of him. The light from the outside did its work just like the shadows. Cas just had one word on his mind. Perfect. Dean was perfect just like statues sculpted in the marble.

Cas licked his swollen lips as he was staring at Dean, his eyes tracing over his body back up to his lips. Dean leaned closer, bracing on both of his hands against the wall next to Cas’ head. He closed Cas in a small gap, clenching his muscles on his arms so the veins popped up.

Cas lustfully connected their lips again, kissing him passionately. He immediately ran with his hand through Dean’s hair, nails nagging onto the skull as he was hungrily kissing him. Somewhere in this mess he wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, feeling the strong arms holding him by his thighs. Dean rolled his hips again gently which made the both of them break the kiss and sighed.

Suddenly Dean stepped back, still holding Cas tightly, and turned around to the double bed which was behind them and laid Cas down on the sheets. Cas let go off him and sat up, quickly taking off his shoes and socks as same as Dean. He jumped a little with the mattress when Dean’s half naked body dropped in front of him.

He realized he was still fully clothed. His hand twitched at his tie and he started to loosen it when Dean grabbed his hand and pushed it aside. He played with his now loose tie for a minute before he let it slide from Cas’ neck and throw it somewhere on the floor.

Cas then felt Dean’s hand gently pushing him down on his back. He laid down and Dean got on top of him, bracing on his hands and legs. He tried to focus his eyes on the shadowed figure above him which was now reaching somewhere on his right.

He heard a loud click considering to the silence and his eyes had to shut because of the sudden bright light from the lamp standing on the nightstand. He furrowed and felt his eyes were hurting a little. He opened them and blinked a few times, letting them accustom for a minute. He met Dean’s eyes which were locked on him.

Dean licked his lips before he connected them with his passionately. Cas was sighing into the kiss, melting his lips with Dean’s. He felt Dean left his mouth and traveled down to his jaw and neck. He kissed the hot skin roughly, sucking it and biting afterwards just to leave red bite marks.

Cas low moaned under him, he traveled still down to his collar. His hands started unbuttoning Cas’ shirt and followed the trail with lips as he opened all the buttons and relieved his chest.

Cas felt Dean’s light stubble brushing on his bare skin which made him shiver. He felt Dean’s hand sliding down on his chest, nails playfully scratching, to his side and ribs. Dean helped him take off his shirt which Cas threw somewhere afterwards.

Dean’s lips returned back up and kissed him again. Cas’ hand ran through his soft hair, tugging after it, as he was kissing back. His hand unaware slid down to the side of Dean’s neck and shoulder and wandered further to his back, lightly scratching the skin underneath his nails. He felt Dean arched under his playful touch as he stopped on the back of his belt. His fingers tugged under the edge and traveled to the front to open it.

As he finally managed to open Dean’s belt with his slightly shaking hands he started to draw them down. Dean let go off him for a minute just to strip them quickly and staying just in his boxers. He immediately started work on Cas’ belt, opening it faster than Cas. Cas lifted up his hips and slid down the trousers from his legs with Dean’s little help, kicking it from the bed.

Cas noticed the look when Dean eyed him up and down. He felt like he was exposed to him, stark naked even he still had his boxers on which were now very tight. He watched Dean’s body crawled back at top of him. His breath was heavy, his skin hot.

Cas sighed and shut his eyes tightly when Dean lowered just his hips and let their erections touch through the fabric, rocking gently back and forward. He wrapped his hands around Dean’s neck, bringing him down against his chest as Dean still dragged himself back and forth. He ran with his hands through his hair, low moaning into Dean’s ear. He noticed Dean’s breath hitched, his face hidden in the crook of his neck.

He felt Dean’s wandering hand sliding down and touching his sides to the waistband of his boxers. His fingers tugged into the fabric and started to take it off. He had to lifted himself again so he could strip Cas fully which made Cas groan unhappily because of the sudden lack of friction. His hands left Dean’s hair and traveled quickly down to his waistband and pulled it down. He wasn’t going to be the only one here naked.

As soon as was Dean naked Cas let his hand gently touch his hard on which made him gasp in relief. He certainly wasn’t expecting it from him. Cas just wanted to hear him moan while the whole time it was him who was sighing mindlessly. He wrapped his hand around him and started to stroke him slowly, getting down with thumb running over the tip every time he gets back up. Dean’s body shivered and his head bowed down so Cas couldn’t see into his face.

“Fuck,” he heard Dean’s hoarse voice breathed out with moan escaping from his lips afterwards.

Cas sped up with his movements a bit, lacking for more of Dean’s sighs. Dean was breathing heavier, moaning mindlessly. He pressed his body against Cas’ again which made him let go his hand off him and he felt Dean’s swollen lips on his own, roughly melting into each other, muted sighs echoed between them.

Cas hungrily kissed back, completely forgetting everything. He wasn’t thinking about anything just their bodies laying on each other, fitting so perfectly like two forgotten puzzles made just to be together.

When Dean suddenly pulled away he looked at him with a silent question in his eyes. He was looking at him seriously a bit of worry in them right beside the lust.

“Do you trust me?” Dean’s low voice echoed in his ears.

Cas knew about what he was asking. He nodded slightly, his eyes wide open and lock on his. He trusted him.

“Do you have anything?”

Cas shook his head. Condoms or lube wasn’t a normal thing for him to have in his nightstand.

“Get them all wet for me,” Dean pleaded, lifting his hand and getting his fingers near Cas’ lips.

Since they didn’t have any lube this will have to do. He once did a small research about these things, a really, really awkward research. Dean really thought nothing was going to happen so he went unprepared for tonight.

Cas took his fingers into his mouth, licking them with his tongue. Dean swallowed hard as he was looking at him. The way Cas looked with his fingers inside his mouth made him think about how would he look on his knees below him, with his lips wrapped around his dick, with bright blue eyes looking up at him with everything but innocence in them.

He slid his fingers out of Cas’ mouth with a thin string of saliva still connected to his tongue which broke right when Cas licked his lips unawares.

“Spread your legs,” Dean said softly, adjusting himself between Cas’ legs when he opened them.

He gently pressed one his finger against Cas’ entrance before sliding it in slowly. He immediately felt Cas tightened around him. He leaned closer to his body, his other hand cupping Cas’ cheek and his lips placing soft kisses on the side of his neck.

“Relax,” Dean whispered into his ear, he was scared of hurting him so badly.

Cas felt a light pain first and he was a little bit shocked. He shut his eyes and bit his bottom lip to prevent whimpers escaping from his mouth. He tried to relax as Dean said to him and breathed steadily. He felt Dean’s caring touch of his hand and lips while he was stretching him out. And it felt weird and unpleasantly. He just thought how in the hell he was going to take Dean inside him. He had to admit he started to be more nervous and scared when he felt another finger was inside him.

Then the sudden wave of pleasure lightly flowed over him and he sighed shortly. Dean noticed it and started to gently hitting the spot which made Cas turn into a moaning mess. He didn’t even felt other finger slid inside him.

When Dean considered Cas was prepared, he pulled out his fingers and straightened up. He positioned himself, the tip of his swollen dick pressed right at Cas’ entrance. He pushed in gently, immediately feeling how Cas tightened even though he took his time to prepare him.

Cas hissed in pain, he was holding tears behind his tightly shut eyes as he felt Dean slid inside him up the base. Dean immediately lowered himself, letting Cas wrapped his hands around him with nails painfully nagging into the skin on his shoulder.

“Shh… It’s okay,” Dean soothed him a little bit, ignoring the pain in his back. He resisted the need to move even though he wanted it so desperately now, feeling the heat all around him.

Cas breathed out heavily, blinking a few times. The pain wasn’t now so intense like in the beginning. He swallowed and released the grip of his hands around Dean’s neck. He rolled his hips a little and from his lips escaped a muted sigh.

It gave Dean the hint Cas adjusted and he rocked gently with his hips, reminding himself he had to take it slow. Cas sighed under him again, he brought his lips and kissed him roughly still rolling his hips slowly, holding the urge getting faster.

Cas hungrily kissed him back, moaning into the kiss. His mind went completely blank. There were just them, alone, sighing and moaning. He loved the feeling of Dean inside him, how he filled him. For this moment they were like one.

It was slowly killing him how gentle and worrying were Dean’s moves. He wanted him to go faster. He rocked his hips against him, letting himself fuck onto him. Dean luckily got what he wanted and he happily gave him what he wanted. He started to thrust into him faster, pulling his dick out of him and just letting the tip stay inside and then slammed hard into him again. He enjoyed the look of Cas’ perfect body writhing under him with pleasure, panting with his hands clenched on his shoulder.

The room was filled with moaning of two bodies tangled together with their skin slapping as they were mindlessly moving on the bed which was cracking under them. They completely lost themselves in ecstasy, feeling they weren’t last much longer.

“God, Cas – ,” Dean mumbled under his breath with repeating I love you’s mindlessly.

Through Cas body suddenly flowed wave of pleasure which made him shut his eyes, his back arching. He felt the sudden release and his stomach was now wet and sticky. Dean thrust into him a few times, feeling how Cas tightened around him when he reached his climax, and he came too.

They were panting heavily, their minds still processing what happened. Dean slid out of Cas and let his exhausted body lay next to Cas, wrapping his hand around his waist as he snuggled closer to him. Cas immediately felt the emptiness when Dean laid next to him. He fought the need reaching for him again and pressing him against his chest.

Cas was gazing Dean now, who was staying still with his eyes shut. He thought for a minute he fell asleep but the green eyes suddenly opened and looked at him.

Cas leaned closer and lightly brushed his lips against Dean’s, “I love you,” he whispered.

Dean smiled a little, “I know.”

Dean embraced him, letting him pressed his naked body against his. They fell asleep, enjoying the warm of each other.

 

Cas fidget on his bed. He felt unbelievable warmth. He sighed and slowly opened his eyes, his look landed on the freckles male face with eyes still shut, peacefully asleep. He felt arm resting on his waist, holding him close without any chance he could move away. He cuddled closer and closed his eyes again.

He nearly drifted into a sleep when a soft touch of Dean’s fingers gently running through his messy hair. He met with Dean’s bright green eyes, small wrinkles appearing in the corners as he smiled at him.

“Hey,” Dean’s gruff morning voice sounded in his ears.

Cas leaned closer and placed a small kiss on Dean’s chapped lips before he pulled away, “Did you sleep well?” It surprised him how low and dry his voice suddenly sounded.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded slightly.

Cas smiled, sighing afterwards, “I need to take a shower,” he stated, lifting himself on elbow.

He felt uncomfortable, dirty. He had the feeling he stinks with all the mess he had on himself.

Dean slid his hand from his waist, letting him go, “Do you have any spare toothbrush? I’d like to brush my teeth.”

Cas nodded, “Yes, in the bathroom under the sink – there’s one.”

Cas sat up and hissed in a sudden pain.

“You okay?” Dean immediately sat up too, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Yes,” Cas chuckled, “Just sore back.”

With the corners of his eyes he could see Dean’s lips crooked into a grin. He obviously got the point about what he meant.

Cas got up slowly on his feet and wandered into the shower, feeling Dean’s eyes locked on his naked body before he entered his bathroom. He got into the shower, turning on the water and letting it flow down over his tired body. He just stood there without any moving before he ran his hand through the wet hair with a sigh. He started to wash his skin, rubbing it to get the stink away.

“Don’t mind me brushing my teeth here?” the sudden Dean’s voice made him jumped in surprise.

He stopped the water quickly, breathing slowly and deeply to calm his beating heart inside his chest. He closed his eyes for a couple of seconds and breathed out again, “No,” he opened them again heard Dean searching for the toothbrush under the sink in the cabinet.

“Did you find it?” Cas asked, listening closely.

Dean didn’t response right away, going through the things which were tossed inside the cabinet, making a victorious exclamation when he found what he wanted, “Got it.”

Cas let the water shut, feeling now better and a lot fresher then before the shower. He opened the door of the shower slightly so just his hand slipped through and reached for the towel handing on the peg right next to it. He was going to dry himself but suddenly and idea popped up inside his head, stopping his hand with the towel just when it was going to rub against his skin. He was smirking as he wrapped his towel around the waist and got out from the shower.

Dean flashed him a look, brushing his teeth while standing just in his boxers in front of the sink. Cas smiled at him innocently and stepped to the door of the bathroom. As he was walking pass Dean he unexpectedly wrapped his hands around Dean’s waist. He felt how Dean jump in surprise as his wet skin suddenly touched his.

“Cas!” Dean called, trying not to spit the paste from his mouth, toothbrush ending tossed inside of the sink.

Dean tried to pull away from the grip, turning around and facing Cas who was now clenching with his hands on his back, nuzzling even closer to him as he was trying to get his chest wet too. He gave up, finding himself all wet then.

“God, I hate you,” he breathed out.

Cas smiled seductively, raising his head and looking at him through his lashes, “That’s not what you were saying last night.”

Dean swallowed, tasting the awful trail of paste afterwards, feeling the heat spreading over his cheeks. Yes, last night. He slept with him and woke up with Cas’ warm and still naked body pressed against his. Things he thought never could come true.

Cas’ corner of his lips twitched in a smirk before he bowed his head, letting the water dropping from his wet hair, some of it falling on Dean’s skin.

Cas let go of his body, flashing him a look before he vanished from the bathroom, leaving him there. Dean flushed out the leftover of the paste from his mouth and made his way into the bedroom again. He found Cas just pulling some old short sleeved shirt on, already in a pants.

“I’m going to make something for breakfast,” he said with hand running through his hair, still wet.

Dean nodded, biting his bottom lips. When Cas went downstairs, he started to picking up his clothes from the floor and putting it on. Once he was ready he walked downstairs right into the kitchen where a delicious smell of food hit his nose. He hungrily ate his breakfast, noticing Cas’ amused smile as he was watching him.

Then he remembered he didn’t say nothing to Sam. He patted his pockets to find his phone, finding it wasn’t there. Upstairs couldn’t be either, so there was just his coat.

Right when he looked at his phone he found two messages from Sam and one call. He expected more.

 _From: Sammy 10:25 PM_ _  
Hey when you gonna be home?_

 _From: Sammy 11:48 PM_ _  
So I assume you’re staying by Cas’._

He decided to text him quickly, so his brother would know he was still living.

 _To: Sammy 9:36 AM_ _  
Hey sorry for no respond. Kinda busy. Gonna be home in hour._

He spent some time here before heading home. He found Sam downstairs, laying on couch and watching something in TV.

“Hey,” he called, making him sit up.

“Hey,” Sam said with a smirk, “so you stayed with Cas.”

Dean chuckled, “Yes.”

Sam grinned, “At least you could text me. I was worried.”

Dean stepped closer to him, ruffling his hair a bit with a smirk, “Thanks for the concern.”

“Ohhh shut up,” Sam pushed his hand away, trying to fix his now messy hair.

“Jerk,” Dean caught Sam’s voice as he was walking to the stairs, turning quickly around and going backwards just to call after him: “Bitch,” and ran upstairs.

After a quite long shower where he definitely wasn’t thinking about Cas he relaxed downstairs, beside Sam.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blushes* what am I talking, I never blush xD soooo... my first smut... hope it didn't turn into something terrible and you'd like it... a little bit at least


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the late update... I got distracted with school and this is my last chapter that I had written so I maybe panicked a bit. Anyway hope you still enjoy this.

September 28

-

It’s been a year since they moved here.

Dean visited Cas two or three times in a week, sometimes just once. They had to be careful but they certainly enjoyed the time together. And they got used to it. It wasn’t perfect but they couldn’t do anything.

The times they were spending together were filled with small surprises. Dean sometimes brought something little for Cas. And sometimes Cas surprised him with a cooked food which Dean appreciated very much. And of course, they kissed, a lot, doing even more as they were eager to found the way how to please each other which lead them into the Cas’ bedroom.

Dean was sometimes surprised how intimate Cas could get.  Well, pleasantly surprised. He thought in their relationships won’t be much these things but actually he got chances to discover the pleasant aspects. And Cas was always willing to learn with him.

Dean was standing in front of Cas’ front door, patiently waiting for him to open. Cas appeared between the door frame and Dean rushed inside and finally kissed him, tasted him. Cas obviously felt the urge of his lips passionately brushing against his as he held his hand and led him upstairs, into his bedroom.

They got into a bed, stripping quickly while still kissing. After a while they turned into two moaning messes, losing their minds in ecstasy of pleasure.

Dean with a heavy panting laid beside Cas who was all flushed up, catching his breath too. He felt Cas’ naked body cuddled closer, laying his head on his chest with hands slowly traveling on his sweat covered skin, caressing it. Dean hugged Cas with one hand around his shoulders, fingers sliding down and up on his arm.

He nearly drifted into a sleep when Cas’ gruff voice pierced the comfortable silence, “Are you going to leave again?”

Dean’s great mood suddenly dropped about half degree. He had never stayed after this and Cas had  never asked too.

“You know I have to,” Dean said sadly, “people will talk.”

“I know,” Cas sighed, nuzzling his face against Dean’s chest, “I just want you to be here.”

Dean hugged Cas even tightly like he would be the one who was going to leave him, “I want it too. I’d give everything to not go.”

“Everything?” Cas said with a smile playing on his lips.

“Except my baby,” Dean smirked, as he joked about his car, “won’t give up on her.”

Dean laughed when Cas slapped his chest with a fake anger, or jealous maybe, and trying to hold his smile back. They stayed in a silence again for a long time, noises of passing car and other noises echoed from the outside.

“Do you believe in heaven?” Cas suddenly asked, something in his voice and the way his body moved got to know he was tensed.

“I don’t know,” Dean said truthfully, “Why you askin’?”

“Just thinking.”

Dean smirked, “About?” He waited for him to answer as Cas was still tracing with fingers on his skin, it seemed like he won’t say anything.

“Sometimes I think about heaven, how it can look,” Cas smiled a little, “I like to think about it like a place where you live your happiest memories again, going through the memorable moments in your live, seeing people you love. I like to think it can be real. And it’s something I don’t want to give up on,” Cas said determined it made Dean smiled, “Because I can see you and me, we’re ourselves and alone. Happy.”

“Ain’t we happy now too?” Dean asked.

“Well now I’m the happiest man who ever was,” Cas sighed afterwards, completely against what he said.

“Baby, what is it?” Dean waited for his answer, he needed to know. Something wasn’t right, something bothered him. He could tell. And Dean didn’t want him to bear whatever it was alone, “Cas, talk to me,” he said urgently, his silence made him feel anxious.

“I’m tired of this, Dean,” he lifted himself elbow, shifting away from Dean, “we can’t be even together like a normal couple. I don’t know what will happen when someone find out I’m with you. I’m a goddamn priest,” Cas said with a bitterness in his suddenly loud voice.

Dean watched Cas as he shook his head and shut his eyes tightly, brows furrowed with a small crease appearing between. He was trying to calm himself. Dean lifted himself too, so he could see Cas better, reaching with a hand to touch his shoulder, soothing him.

Cas sighed, looking back at him. Dean now noticed the bags under his tired eyes, somehow the blue color always so bright now faded into a more dull tones.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Dean,” Cas’ voice sounding weakly, trembling, “I’m sick of the lying, hiding our relationship. I hate the looks people giving me like… like they know something. I know, I’m just probably imagining it but…” Cas shook his head, taking a deep breath, “I don’t know if this is right, we should end – “

“Stop it,” Dean snapped to interrupt him, his hand cupped Cas’ cheek, “Don’t you dare thinking ‘bout it like that. No one know jack shit ‘bout us, okay? No one ever will,” he stopped, taking some time to look at Cas who was trying to avoid his gaze.

“Hey, look at me,” he said more softly than before, making Cas lock their eyes again, “I don’t want you to think about it like something bad. And don’t you think I don’t know how you feel. Hell, I’m sick of that constant feeling of being watched too but it’s something we have to get through.”

Cas was looking at him blankly, his face saying nothing, however his eyes sad and dull, lips drew into a thin line.

“Cas, I love you,” Dean ran with the thumb over the Cas’ cheek, feeling how he leaned into the touch, “Nothing gonna change that.”

He noticed Cas’ lips twitched in a small smile as he was still gazing him, his eyes somehow becoming more alive, brightening.

“Stop thinking about it so much,” Dean said gently.

Cas watched him for a minute, “Thank you,” he said quietly, leaning closer to him.

Dean wasn’t really sure why he was thanking but he said nothing. Their lips brushed against each other, small gentle kiss with something bitter hid in it from the conversation before. Cas laid down, letting Dean crawled on top of him, their lips still connected and moving with more passion.

Their hands were sliding over their naked bodies, touching the shivering skin under their fingertips. They sighed into the kiss, melting hungrily their lips together. Very soon both of them found themselves excited, lust driving through them.

“Okay, hot-shot,” Dean breathed out, breaking the kiss, “Round two.”

Cas low moaned when Dean’s hot body covered his, letting their slick erections touch and sliding over each other as Dean drove himself back and forth. He knew Cas won’t be able to take him twice in one day, finding another pleasurable alternative.

As he was leaving after a couple of hours he felt the strange need to stay, wrapped his hands around Cas’ body again and never let go. He didn’t even know what eventually made him step out of the house and let the door shut after him.

And again, he didn’t even know how he suddenly appeared next to the church couple of days after. His baby was purring quietly under him as the engine was still running, standing on the parking lot.

Was he really going to visit Cas while he was inside? They talked about this, Cas making very clear they should avoid meeting up in the church. But it basically meant for Dean he had to do it.

Dean had to smirk when he saw Cas’ surprised face as the man’s wide eyes with his bright blue irises landed on him. Dean made his way to Cas between the two rows of the benches. The sudden noise of his footsteps echoed in the empty church. Cas waited for him in front of the altar, his arms resting by his sides, hands clenched into fists.

“What are you doing here?” Cas whispered as Dean come closer, his eyes flashing around to check if someone wasn’t there, his voice sounding angry and nervous.

“Just to visit,” Dean said innocently.

“We have a deal,” Cas snapped, still whispering, “we said we won’t meet in church. It’s too dangerous, you forgot or what?”

“Hey,” Dean soothed him but still got a little hurt by the Cas’ response, “no one’s here now,” he looked around quickly, “I can’t even go to see you now?”

Cas sighed, looking down at his feet, “You can,” he said, the anger disappearing, “but not here,” he snapped his head back up.

Dean’s corner of his lips lifted in a small smile, “No one’s here, we don’t have to worry,” he repeated, raising his hand to touch Cas’ cheek.

Cas avoid his hand, looking away, “How can you be so carefree.”

“I’m not carefree,” Dean furrowed, offended by Cas acting, “I care too but now it’s no need for it.”

Cas shook his head, “You shouldn’t have come,” he looked back at him, his voice tired and giving up.

Dean stepped closer, gently grabbing Cas’ forearm. When he didn’t pull away again he traveled to his shoulder and still up to cupped his cheek into his hand, “But...?”

“But I’m glad you’re here,” Cas said softly, leaning into the touch of Dean’s warm palm.

Dean chuckled and leaned closer, placing a little kiss on Cas’ chapped lips before he pulled away. He ignored the need to brought their lips together again, suppress the hunger for Cas he was now feeling.

Cas swallowed hard as Dean tore the connection between them. He can’t just come here, kiss him and then walk away again. Not now when he could feel the excitement filling his body. He quickly looked behind Dean, making sure no one was still there, before he gripped tight the collar of Dean’s jacket, rubbing the fabric between his fingers, and crashed their mouths together again.

They kissed with passion, melting together with eyes shut. Cas loosened the grip of his hands, letting them rest against Dean’s chest as he felt he was pulled by Dean’s firm arms, holding him by his waist, closer.

They sighed into the kiss, sighing pleasurably when it became more rough. Cas bit Dean’s bottom lip playfully before he pulled away and looked at him through his lashes.

Dean sighed loudly, “Fuck,” his Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed, “Things I wanna do to you now…”

Cas felt the shivering through his body, he started to breathe heavily and faster, feeling how his whole body responded to him, “What things?” he asked innocently, controlling his voice to make it sound calm and collected.

“Ohh, you have no idea,” Dean’s husky voice echoed in his ears like a loving song, “I’d kiss you all over, taste you. I’ll make you feel so good.”

Cas shut his eyes, just letting all those naughty imaginations popping inside of his mind, “Keep talking.”

Dean smirked, his hand started traveling on Cas’ body, touching the side of his neck, shoulder and wandering down to his chest with fingers sliding down on the black fabric of his shirt, “I’ll lay you somewhere down if there was something. I’ll strip your clothes, kissing your bare skin all over the places,” he paused, his hand sliding down to Cas’ abdomen, lightly running over his crotch, “Would you like that?”

“Yes,” Cas breathed out heavily, feeling Dean’s hand touching him.

“What should I do to you next?” Dean leaned closer, tilting his head a little and whispered into his ear, feeling the light Cas’ stubble tickling his cheek, “What would you like?”

Cas ran through Dean’s soft hair, breathing in his scent, the smell of his leather jacket and mint filled his nose, “You tell me.”

Dean smirked, noticing how Cas’ body leaned into his touch, softening under him and completely surrendering, “I don’t know if I can hold myself back,” he felt almost sorry as he pulled away, still with his hands clenched on Cas’ body, “I should go.”

Cas opened his eyes again, his hands sliding from Dean’s body as he stepped back. He quickly reached with his hand for the sleeve of Dean’s jacket, making him stop.

“You’re not going to leave, right? Not after you just talked like this,” Cas said with his eyes gazing him.

“You have a better idea?” Dean smirked as Cas bit his bottom lip anxiously.

Cas tugged him by his sleeve, stepping backwards. He led their way somewhere next to the altar into a short small hall, stopping in front of the wooden floor.

“What is it?” Dean asked curiously, pointing at the door.

Cas let go off his arm and started to unlock it, “Sacristy. Nobody except priests is allowed to go there.”

The door unlocked with a loud click, Cas opened it and waited for Dean to go inside, stepping in quickly after him, shutting the door and locking them again. He turned to Dean who was looking around curiously with his back facing him, looking behind him after a while with a smirk on his lips.

“So?” Dean asked, shoving his hand into the pockets.

Cas approached him, saying nothing and just kissed him roughly, hand placing on the back of Dean’s neck. Dean immediately melted his lips into his Cas’, humming happily. He pulled his hands out of the pockets again just to let them rest on Cas’ hips, bringing their bodies closer. Dean felt how was Cas slightly pushing him backwards, making him stepping back and hit the wall that suddenly appeared behind him. He gasped in surprise, clenching his hands on Cas.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Cas whispered when they broke the kiss, shaking slightly his head.

“Ain’t it exciting?” Dean asked.

Cas connected their lips again, avoiding the question. It was exciting, indeed. They were here, feeling themselves getting hard, aroused. They were in a place where this wasn’t right, sinning. Cas knew he wasn’t allowed to do this but he was breaking the rules quite a long time now. However it seemed bad, Cas just didn’t think about it. He simply couldn’t and most importantly he even didn’t want to. Because he was too overwhelmed with lust and desire that beclouded his mind and good sense. He forgot everything.

Cas was pinning with his body Dean against the wall, bracing himself on his hands, feeling the coldness of the wall under his sensitive fingertips. He heard Dean humming into the passionate kiss, swallowing all the sings escaping out of Dean’s throat.

He suddenly felt the flow of dominance and control traveling through his body and mind. Watching Dean’s flushed freckles face, sighing and writhing in front of him, made him want to hear more, made him want to please him.

Cas broke the kiss, letting Dean catch his breath while he wandered with his lips to his jaw and down to his neck, kissing and sucking on the soft skin. The sound of Dean’s sweet muted moans filled his ears, it was a sound he was almost pleading for.

Cas’ hand left the wall and slid down to Dean’s abdomen. He tugged by the belt, starting to opening it. It surprised him how steady and calm his hand was. He was normally very shaky and nervous, making Dean smiled at his effort.  Maybe it was the adrenalin and excitement he was now feeling that let his body be under control.

“Are we gonna have…” Dean tried to ask, making Cas looking directly in his eyes.

“No, we aren’t going to have sex,” Cas replied plainly, fully opening Dean’s belt and unzipping the fly oh his jeans.

“So what are you up to?” Dean asked, shivering when Cas’ hand suddenly slid inside his boxers and let his fingers brush against his already swollen dick.

Cas smirked at Dean’s sudden sigh escaping from his lips as he started to gently stroke him, almost painfully slowly. He nibbled at Dean’s skin on his neck again, raising his lips to his jaw. He could feel the Dean’s hot breath on his own neck.

“Just be quiet,” Cas’ husky voice whispered, making Dean swallowed as the demand tone echoed in his ears.

Cas kissed him forcefully again but shortly and dropped himself on his knees, not carrying about the dirt on the floor in that moment. He pulled out Dean’s hard dick, feeling how it twitched a little in his palm. He even felt the lustful gaze of Dean’s eyes on him, staring at him with a need and keen anticipation. Cas was still gently stroking Dean’s hard on, his hand sliding easily on the shaft slick of the pre-come leaking from the tip.

Cas hesitated a little before he brought his mouth to the red head of Dean’s dick, wrapping his lips around. He slowly took a few inches of Dean’s length, working with his hand on the rest of it. He bowed his head, trying to swallow more but he nearly gagged.

His whole body tensed and his eyes watered so he had to shut them to chase away the tears. The need to vomit was too strong. Cas immediately raised his head, letting go of Dean and trying to calm himself a bit. He took a breath and swallowed hard.

Before Dean could ask him if he was alright, he brought his mouth down again resolutely, licking the shaft up and down, stopping again on the hot tip. He circled the head with his tongue, getting the time to look at Dean. His head was thrown back, with eyes tightly shut and lips parted as the silent sighs forced their way through. It was a satisfying view for him.

Cas wrapped his lips around the Dean’s dick again, pushing back with his tongue the foreskin, letting saliva from his mouth mix with the pre-come. He heard the sudden Dean’s short breathing out which made him flashed a look at him again. He met his eyes. There was just him, he didn’t think about anything else now.

He started to bob his head slowly, paying attention to not gag this time. Now when he knew where his limit was, he was actually more certain about this whole thing.

Between the monotony moves of his head, he trailed with his tongue on the slick shaft, squeezing gently with his hand that was still stroking down to the base and up, meeting his lips in a halfway, the part where his mouth couldn’t get.

The sudden touch of hand grabbing a fistful of his hair and running through it with fingers nagging into this skull, made the shivers traveling through Cas’ spine. He hummed unawares and without any problems swallowed another inches inside.

Dean’s body shivered, feeling the light vibration traveling from his dick as Cas suddenly hummed. He tried so hard to keep himself quiet, letting out just muted sighs, but he was overwhelmed with all of it what was now happening.

Just the look at Cas on his knees, sucking on him with that perfect lips wrapped around him and tongue trailing the very sensitive skin, was good enough to make him loose his mind. It was like a torture. Even the look at Cas’ scary dilated eyes and the pink shade crossed over his cheeks was too much for him. He nearly screamed with pleasure when he sensed the gentle gliding the surface of Cas’ teeth along his shaft.

He threw his head back, tightening the grip of his hand tangled in Cas’ hair, and moaned mindlessly. He immediately covered his mouth with the other hand and bit his bottom lip, feeling the pain where his teeth cut into the thin skin, making it bleed. He knew he won’t last long.

Cas mentally smirked at how was Dean obediently trying to stay quiet. Which he really didn’t carry out.

“God, Cas,” Dean sighed, “I’m – I’m gonna – “

Cas clenched his hands on Dean’s hips, bracing himself. He felt the quiver inside his mouth and then just the taste of Dean’s cum filled him. He swallowed most of it, not really pleased by the taste and nearly choking again.

He straightened himself, taking a deep breath and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, clearing his throat afterwards. His knees hurt from the rough floor under them and his jaw felt more like stiff.

Dean’s hand with a tissue appeared in front of his face, he took it, wiping his mouth and hands again. He let Dean to help him to his feet again after he had zipped his jeans and let him to place his hands on his hips, bringing him closer.

“You were amazing,” Dean said softly, his bottom lips red from the drops of blood.

Cas shook his head, “We should go,” he rubbed the red stain below his lip.

“What ‘bout you?” Dean brushed his hand against the small bulge in Cas’ crotch, licking his bottom lip.

Cas sighed slightly at the touch, “No, it’s fine. You should go.”

“Let me take care of it.”

“Dean, we spent here too much time,” Cas said somehow urgently, “Go… please.”

Dean looked at him for a while before he answered, “Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he placed a small kiss on the corner of Cas’ lips.

“I love you,” Cas said, feeling the need to say it.

Dean smiled a little, “Me too,” and kissed Cas again shortly before he slid his hands from his body.

Cas unlocked the door, searching for someone but nobody was there. He gazed Dean’s back as he walked away between the rows of benches to the front door of the church and disappeared behind it.

Cas closed the door to the sacristy again, leaning against it as he needed some private now. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, holding the air in his lungs for a long time before he breathed out again.

He couldn’t believe what just happened. How he could even let it happen. Here, in the church. They were lucky no one was here or maybe there was someone but they probably had to leave again in that amount of time. All the regrets came very quickly, hitting him with a force that made his body trembling and feeling sick.

He slid to the ground, hiding his face in his hands. He felt the pressure in his trousers, knowing he had to do something with it. But he refused to touch himself, not here. Even though after what he had done he didn’t really need to deal with what’s right and bad to do anymore. He tried to think about unpleasant things. And it was quick, he always did that when he had to. Just when this method didn’t work and he was alone in his house he let himself touch, feeling guilty afterwards. He lived according to the rules, sticking with them.

Oh, how was his life easier then. He didn’t have to lie, hide everything. Now he was just living in a constant fear of someone finding out, of people screaming at them, hurting them. He knew of what are people able.

And there were doubts. What if Dean really doesn’t love him? What if he leaves him? He wanted to give him everything but what if he finds someone else who will give him more? He was anxious when he didn’t hold Dean in his hands, when he wasn’t with him. What if he is with someone else, laying together in their bed, listening to Dean’s sweet words and love yous Dean always whispered in his ears. Every night when he was in his bed and he tried to fall asleep, he tried to chase away these thoughts. But he knew they can come true. And it frightened him.

He somehow managed to slowly stand up and walk on his unsteady feet to the small sink, standing in the corner of the room. He clenched his hands on the edge of it, gripping on the ceramics under his palms so tightly his knuckles became white. He looked up at the tiny mirror above the sink, lazily hanging there on the wall, staring at the picture of a man he nearly didn’t recognize.

His hair was a total mess thanks to Dean’s hand, his swollen lips were slightly parted and there was still the rest of the blush on his cheeks, slowly fading. However, his face was somehow terribly pale with eyes big and tired.

He let the water fill into his hands and splashed it over his face, gasping in relief as the cold water hit his skin. He placed his hands on the edges of the sink and just stared blankly down. The water was slowly dropping from his face, like tears he thought. He tried to fix his hair a little, sleeking it with his wet palms.

Looking more collected he left the sacristy. He didn’t know why but he stopped just in front of the altar, looking at the cross. He swallowed hard, his guts feel tight suddenly. He was weak and feeling sick. Feeling sick of himself. But he didn’t know why.

Then it just fell upon him. All the sins he had done. And today was just the last drop. He was damned. His imagined heaven was slipping through his fingers, he could almost feel it.

Maybe if he wasn’t send into a catholic school. Maybe if he wasn’t raised in a faith. There were so many maybes but maybe then he wouldn’t have taken it so seriously.

And it wouldn’t have ruined him, crashed him.

What he could do? He had done so many bad things. Was there even a chance for him to redeem his soul?

He had to hope.

And he prayed. Prayed for himself. Because only he was the one who was loathsome.  

 

* * *

 

 

Dean didn’t know anything about what Cas did after he had left the church. So he didn’t know about Cas’ little meltdown.

Maybe this was the start of their downfall and maybe if Dean cared more, maybe it wouldn’t have ended like that.

Dean asked Cas out after couple of days simply for a dinner. He felt something heavy was between them so he wanted to cheer them a little. He planned to take Cas in some small restaurant in the town nearby.

The drive was silent most of the time, the noise of purring engine echoed in the car. Dean sometimes flashed at Cas whenever he could tear his eyes from the road, finding him still in a same position: head turned to the window and looking out on the unpleasant scenery passing by.

The silence was slowly killing Dean. He tried at the start for a little chat but Cas just didn’t cooperate so he gave up. Well, he was the entire week acting strange.

They finally arrived at the restaurant, getting out of the car and walking to the front door and entering the old building. They got a table and sat opposing to each other, ordering something to eat.

“It looks nice here,” Cas said, looking around the large room which was drowned in a dull light.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. He was quite tense, uncomfortable by the surrounding of the room nearly full filled with people.

They finally got their food, and Dean had to admit it was good. They started to talk about nothing important, just about their days and about things they had like to discuss.

Cas was just telling him something and he just listened to that low voice, now filled with excitement and ease, to that gruff voice he definitely did not fall for. Just like he definitely did not fall for his eyes and hair and his whole personality. He was desperately in love with this little dorky man.

He was glad that Cas was now more relaxed and actually talking to him. Whatever was on his mind lately was now definitely gone. He still didn’t find out why was Cas acting weird before. It had to do something with their little meet-up in church. But the reason for Cas’ silence and how he was detached wasn’t clear for him at all.

Actually, when he remembered that their hot session there he didn’t thought about it like something bad. Well, they definitely did a very bad thing in a wrong place but Cas didn’t have to do it. And even though he did it.

Sometimes Dean thought if he was having a bad influence on Cas or if Cas was always like this, full with surprises. No, he just showed him how exciting could this be and Cas played along.

The first thing Dean learned about Cas was how passionate and emotional this man was. Everyone probably thought about him as a calm and tongue-tied but when you broke that shell Cas built around himself you will get surprised.

“…listening to me? Dean,” Cas voice suddenly broke all his thinking and he snapped back to the reality.

“Hmm?”

Cas chuckled, “You kinda drifted off for a bit.”

“Oh… Yeah,” Dean shook his head,” Sorry. What you were talkin’ about?”

“Nothing important,” Cas brushed it off, swallowing a bit from his food, “What were you thinking about?”

Dean couldn’t mishear the curious tone in Cas’ voice. He looked at his eyes with brows raised and smirked, “Just how lucky I am.”

“Ohh, really?” Cas’ corner of his lips twitched with amusement in a small smile.

“Yeah, I’m so lucky to have… this fantastic food,” Dean joked, wide smile spreading over his lips.

“I hate you,” Cas shook slightly his head, squinting eyes.

“No, you love me,” Dean pouted his lips.

Cas was just looking at him with a smirk for a minute, “Yes, I do,” he sighed and swept his attention back at the food.

“These faggots everywhere, can’t even eat my fucking meal here,” the sudden not-so-quiet male voice sounded from the table next to them.

“What?” Dean immediately turned to that source of voice, finding man with wrinkles around his eyes and fat face, sitting with some woman, “What did you just say?”

That man was glaring at him with such a loathing in his eyes, “I said faggots, _fag_.”

Dean’s mind just went blank, he felt the anger filled him, ignoring the unwanted attention of some of the people that were suddenly looking at them.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean slurred, standing up on his feet in such hurry that the chair nearly flipped over behind him.

The man stood up too, pushing back his shoulders so the chest and unfortunately his belly pops out, even though looking bigger and more powerful. Dean reacted same, stepping into his personal space with a scowl, jaw tightly clenched and eyes glaring angrily down at him as the man was smaller than him.

“What the fuck did you say!?” Dean fumed, grinding his teeth as he really tried to not shout.

“Do I have to say that again, fag?”

Just when he felt that twitch in his hand, now tightly clenched in fist, and was going to punch him in that ugly face, someone grabbed him by his arm and jerked with him.

“Dean, stop!” Cas pulled him back, making him half turned to him.

Dean ignored him, he was still glaring at that asshole, “Dean, come on, we should go,” Cas urgent but quiet voice was trying to calm him. He really wanted to listen to him but he was so pissed off to obey.

Cas wanted to go and avoid that attention but the whole restaurant was looking at them already. They were doing a great fricking show there, “Please, Dean, just come.”

“Yeah, _Dean_ , listen to your little cock slut there; just turn tail and run away like a coward,” that guy nearly spat at him.

Dean suddenly saw red as he called Cas like that, he showed Cas aside and was ready to jump on that guy. He was going to beat the shit out of this ass, “You fucker,” he hissed furious.

He made just a step or two and suddenly there were Cas’ hands around him with hands of some people, holding him and pulling him backwards. It was for good because he would really kill him. Dean yanked with his arms, trying to shake down all the hands from him until just one pair of Cas’ hands were still gripping him tightly.

“Come,” Cas demanded loudly, pushing him towards the door, “just let him be, please,” he added more quietly so just his ears caught his words.

He calmed a little, still glaring at that guy, and let Cas to drag him through the room and out of the door. He tried very hard to not listen the vulgar words that guy was yelling after them. They let the door slum behind them, getting out on the street. Dean wanted so badly to punch and kick something, he wanted to go back and beat that guy.

Cas let go off him, breathing heavily. He placed hand on his forehead, feeling the headache starting, and rubbed his eyes. Dean was quickly stepping back and forth with hands on his hips, murmuring something under his unsteady breath.

“I’m gonna go back,” he slurred and stepped to the door.

“Dean, no!” Cas blocked his way, hand placing against his chest to push him back.

“Let me!” Dean hissed, “I’m gonna rip his lungs out!” he yelled at the building like that guy would hear him, showing Cas aside.

Suddenly he was spun around and pushed with his back against the building of the restaurant with such a force he gasped, clenching his hands around Cas’ arm which was holding him pinned against the wall. He forgot the anger for a second as he locked his eyes with Cas’. They were big and dull, watered and kinda sad but angry in the same time.

“Will you quit being so vulgar and calm down?” Cas rasped, his fingers curling around Dean’s shirt.

“That fat ass spewing shit all over the place ‘bout you and you are tellin’ me to calm down?! He has no rights to say shit like that!” Dean snapped, his anger slowly filling his body again.

“Just stop, please,” Cas shook his head lightly, his voice more desperate.

Dean swallowed hard, his eyes never left Cas’ eyes, “I swear that I’ll kick him in the balls,” he said but not so angrily now.

Cas’ grip slowly eased and his hand dropped beside his body. He lowered his eyes and stepped back, letting Dean do whatever he wanted. He felt weak, scared and somewhere deep down there maybe even slightly angry but he ignored it. His throat felt tight, making swallowing hard, he was lightly trembling. Was it the cold or the fear? He didn’t care. He just wanted to go away from this place, from people here, “Can we just go? Please, I don’t want to be here any longer,” even his voice was shaking, tired and almost giving up.

Dean blinked, that anger completely disappearing. He approached Cas, placing hand over his shoulder, making gentle circles over his back, “Yeah, let’s go.”

They walked to Dean’s baby and drove back to Cas’ house in a silence again. Dean checked caringly Cas every while. He had his head rested against the window eyes locked somewhere in the distance or simply shut.

This really didn’t go so well like he planned. Just because of some reserved homophobic guy. This was their first encounter with this kind of critic and it hit them good.

Cas was taking this even worst. He was blaming himself. Maybe this was kind of a punishment for his sins. It had to be.

Right when Dean stopped in front of Cas’ house, they got out and walked together to the front door and went inside. When the door closed behind them, Cas turned back at Dean and he met his open arms, bringing him into a tight hug, hands wrapping around him like he wanted to protect him from this ugly and cruel world. Cas buried his face into the crook of his neck, familiar scent of Dean’s favorite perfume filled his nose that brushed against the skin. He rested his hands on Dean’s back with fingers tightly clenching on the jacket.

He took a deep breath and exhaled afterwards with relief. He was home, safe. Dean was there. He felt his hand running gently through his hair, stroking it caringly. Cas squeezed Dean even more, not wanting him to let go or leave him.

“I’m sorry,” Dean almost whispered, “I didn’t want this to happen – I really didn’t. And that guy just pissed me off so much I couldn’t stop. Hell, this was a shitty dinner.”

Cas loosened his grip on Dean’s jacket while he listened him talking and apologizing.

“How you feelin’?” Dean pulled away to have a better view at Cas. He placed hands on Cas’ cheeks, cupping them and fingers gently soothing the skin.

Cas looked at him and saw the worry buried in Dean’s eyes, He somehow couldn’t hold his look, dropping his eyes on the floor, “I’m… I’m just tired.”

Dean nodded, tracing with his eyes over the Cas’ face, “Yeah, I’ll let you rest,” he leaned closer and placed a small soft kiss on the corner of Cas’ lips.

As Dean pulled away Cas’ hands slid limply down from his back. He looked at Dean who was just turning around and ready to leave. Ready to leave him.

In a second his hand snapped at the Dean’s arm and stopped him. Dean looked at him again with a silent question drowned in his eyes.

“Don’t leave me, please,” Cas pleaded, feeling his throat tightened suddenly, “I don’t want to be here alone. I don’t even think I can stand to be here alone.”

“You sure?” Dean stepped closer.

“Just don’t go,” Cas bowed his head, feeling his eyes watered. He shut them quickly to chase the tears away, breathing out shakily a sign. He suddenly felt Dean’s chin pressing against the side of his face and hand placed at the back of his head.

“I’ll stay here,” he assured him.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank, everything for you, angel,” Dean patted him gently on his hair, fingers running through softly.

Cas pulled away, stepping back and taking off his trench coat with a little Dean’s help. Dean handed it then on the peg with his jacket next. Just when he turned back at Cas he saw him walking somewhere. He hurried after him.

“Hungry?” Dean asked when he got right beside him.

“No… I’d like to go to bed now,” Cas turned to face him.

“Fine, let’s get you upstairs then,” Dean gently took him by his hands and led him upstairs into his bedroom.

“You can take a shower if you want,” Cas suggested when Dean shut the door after them.

“You don’t wanna go first?”

“No, go ahead. I’ll prepare the bed meanwhile,” Cas went to the cabin and took a clean towel that he handed Dean afterwards.

“Okay,” Dean went into the bathroom, leaving Cas in his room.

He stripped quickly and stepped inside the shower. He stayed here just to wash his body and clean his thoughts a bit, then he went back with his shirt and only boxers on. He found Cas sitting on bed, looking at him when he stepped closer.

“You can go now,” Dean said, watching Cas stand up without any word but going anywhere, “Need help with that?” he trailed with his hand over Cas’ arm, corner of his lips twitched in a smirk.

Cas chuckled slightly, tilting his head, “Maybe?” his eyes swept to Dean’s lips and back up.

Dean leaned closer and kissed him shortly, pushing him lightly back and made him going backwards into the bathroom. There he slid his hand down to Cas’ shirt, grabbing the hem of it and slowly rolling it up. He had to pull away his lips from Cas to take off his shirt and tossed it somewhere. Then he just continued placing small sweet kisses on the corners of his chapped lips or on the lips itself while lightly sliding his hand over the bare skin, fingers traveling and searching every contour, every bend.

He placed a quick kiss on the tip of Cas’ nose which made Cas chuckle, wrinkles appearing at the corners of his eyes as he smiled. Cas nuzzled closer, their noses brushed against each other. Dean wandered with his hand to the Cas belt and opened it, letting the jeans falling down. Cas kicked them away, standing in front of him just in his boxers.

“I think I can take it from here,” Cas stopped Dean who was now pulling after the waistband with a finger tugged inside.

“Okay, hope I helped,” Dean left his hand from Cas’ body.

“Yeah, you helped,” Cas cupped Dean’s cheek and brought him closer, kissing him lovingly. He felt now much better, Dean chased his irritating and unpleasant thoughts away, fortunately.

Dean left him there and went to wait in the bedroom, sitting on the bed. He remembered he didn’t text Sam where he is, quickly reaching for his phone on the nightstand.

_To: Sam , 9:56 PM_   
_Hey, staying by Cas for tonight. Dont do anything stupid at home, ok?_

Soon the phone vibrated with an answer.

_From: Sam , 10:00 PM_   
_Ok. Don’t worry._

He heard the water stop and after a while Cas showed up with a towel on his shoulders and wet dropping hair. He sat on the bed, facing Dean who grabbed his towel and started to dry his hair. Cas shut his eyes and let Dean’s hands gently rub him and pat. It was pleasant and nice and so… natural? Like they were doing this all the time. Dean was going to stay here just a night and Cas was having a feeling like he was here every day. And he wouldn’t really mind if it was real.

“Cas,” Dean’s voice threw him back to reality, “You could really use some rest, you nearly fell asleep while sitting.”

Cas nodded lightly, laying down and letting Dean cover the with blanket. He cuddled closer while Dean wrapped his arm around him. He felt safe. Because Dean was here, laying right beside him and holding him.

“Goodnight, Dean.”

“Night, angel.”

Dean wasn’t really tired so he spent quite a long time laying on his back without any moving with eyes open and wandering around the dark corners of Cas’ bedroom. He heard Cas breathing steadily and he didn’t want to wake him up. So, his mind wandered and made him think about today. It just drove him crazy what that guy said. Cas didn’t really need to hear that and that dick had no right to call Cas like that. And it was just natural to defend him. Still, he was having a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes with hand, trying to ignore that unwanted thoughts.

“What are you thinking about?” Cas suddenly asked, his gruff voice pierced the silence.

Dean turned his head at him, seeing just his dark silhouette against the light from the window, “Why are you still awake… trouble sleeping?”

“Yes… I just can’t stop thinking about today.”

Dean turned on his side, “Well, me too,” he found Cas’ hand and squeezed it gently, “Still can’t believe what he said.”

“Why are there people like this? Do we really have to go through it?” Cas asked more like himself, sighing afterwards, “Do you think it’ll happen again? Someone same as that man will call at us?”

“No,” Dean said within the second.

“But you don’t know that,” Cas said sadly.

“I don’t, but I won’t let that happen again,” Dean looked seriously into Cas’ eyes, barely seeing them in the dark.

 “There will be always someone and we can’t avoid that, even you can’t.”

Dean stayed quiet for a minute, “I’ll at least try. For us.”

“God, you’re so stubborn,” Cas said and sighed loudly, even though the words Dean said certainly made him feel better. He was still frightened but Dean was loving to him and caring and he just needed that.

Because he wasn’t strong like Dean. He didn’t know what to do or how to act back at the restaurant, wanted to run away like a coward. And Dean was the one who stood up and defended them, him. Even though he tried to be strong for Dean he was nervous wreck, in a constant fear and mental pain of his remorse.

And he couldn’t believe he was loved by the man in front of him, so strong and beautiful, now with a smirk on his lips. He was very lucky.

“You already said that once,” Dean grinned.

“Did I? When?”

“In the church, the second time we met and chatted a bit. You knew me well from the five minute talk,” Dean rubbed gently the skin on Cas’ hand with a thumb.

“Well, since I’m so good at reading people you were easy to analyze,” Cas said with a smirk spreading over his lips.

“Ohh, so you analyzed me?” Dean asked with a fake shock in his voice, suppressing a laugh.

“I just couldn’t help myself,” Cas laughed a little.

Dean stayed quiet for a while, still smiling, and tried to look through the dark on the steady silhouette of Cas, “Still can’t believe how lucky I am.”

“Are you talking about the food again?”

Dean chuckled, “No, this time I’m talkin’ about you,” he stopped for a second, “Damn, these chick flick moments, hope you gonna forget this soon,” he heard Cas laugh which made his heart skipped with joy, “Y’know when I saw you it was like seeing an angel, someone who had everything I wanted. Someone perfect and kind.  And now that is all mine.”

Cas was listening to him with lips slightly agape and curled into a small smile. He knew Dean couldn’t really see him in the dark and so he was glad he didn’t notice his red flushed face and burning cheeks, “I thought angels are supposed to be beautiful creatures.”

“Dude, go wipe that mirror and look at the face of yours.”

Cas grinned, “Now you killed the atmosphere,” he said which made Dean laugh, “And I’m certainly not going to forget that,” he lifted himself on his elbow and leaned to kiss Dean.

His lips crashed awkwardly almost at Dean’s chin and his eye got nearly hit by Dean’s nose as he couldn’t really find in the dark those lips he wanted to kiss. Dean laughed and shifted a little so their lips were finally fitting. They melted into the kiss, Dean brushed with his tongue against the upper Cas’ lip and Cas gladly opened his mouth slightly. Their tongues met, wet and warm, and danced and slide against each other slowly.

Dean pushed lightly Cas on his back and laid on top of him, their legs tangled together. They kissed slowly but deeply with a love. Both of them having their eyes shut and head angled, Cas’ hand were running through Dean’s soft hair with fingers tugging after it and making it a total mess as Dean had Cas cheek cupped in his hand.

Dean pulled away for a second, not for the lack of breath but just to look at Cas and on his half enlightened face from the light outside. He leaned again down to kiss that gorgeous swollen lips again slowly, just without the tongue now. He continued like that for a while, making the kisses still shorter and shorter and more gentler so he was now placing a small butterfly kisses and then stopped. They were just looking at each other, feeling their warm bodies pressed together and moving with every breath they took into their lungs.

“We should probably go to sleep,” Dean said with a genuine smile.

“I’m really tired now,” Cas blinked heavily.

Dean shifted to his side followed by Cas who cuddled to him. Dean stayed awake for a while, hearing Cas’ steady breathing as he was already asleep. He then finally drifted into a sleep too.

And there was blood on the floor making red traces from the motionless body, pouring from the hands laying limply beside.

 

Dean woke up first. He was all sweaty and heavy breathing because of that dream that was still returning in his sleep. He shut his eyes and had to convince himself that was just a dream, very very bad and weird dream.

Because he couldn’t stand to lay in bed he slowly shifted from Cas, carefully not to wake him up yet. As he was sitting he looked at him and he had to smile when he saw him peacefully asleep, looking adorable all wrapped up in the blanked.

Dean stood up then and walked downstairs into the kitchen when he started to make something for the breakfast.

Cas woke up by the muted sound of dishes and spoons clinking. He buried his face into the pillow and sighed loudly, his hand sliding over the sheet to the other side just to find out the place was empty. He opened his eyes and looked at the side where was supposed to be Dean. He tried to calm his beating heart as he got scared a little, when he heard another noise coming from downstairs.

He stood up and walked to the door and downstairs. The sounds were coming from the kitchen, he went there and found Dean turned at him with back while standing by the kitchen counter. He just looked behind him when Cas walked into the kitchen, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

“Mornin,” Dean said, biting his bottom lip to hold his smile when he saw Cas. His hair was a total mess, sticking around and wild, eyes still narrow from the sleep.

“Good morning.”

Dean just thought how Cas’ voice sounded even more gruff and hot in the morning, “Here, I made you somethin’,” Dean laid on the table two plates with a breakfast.

“It looks great,” Cas sniffled a bit when he sat up, “Thank you.”

Dean just hummed in response with his mouth full as he was already eating. Cas chuckled and started to eat too.

“We should go somewhere… and I mean like far away from here,” Dean said after a while of a silence.

“Where?” Cas stopped and looked at him with a curiosity in his eyes.

“I dunno,” Dean shrugged, “What place you’d like to go in?”

Cas thought for moment, trying to pick one of the many places he had on his mental list, “Hmm… Somewhere we’d be alone… Maybe something in nature?”

“Yeah, I know a place like that,” Dean smirked and started to eat again, saying nothing else.

Cas was gazing him, expecting him to say something more. But when he wasn’t obviously going to speak he just brushed it off, forgetting they’ve ever talked about this.

Dean stayed there another couple of hours. He was all the time with Cas, letting him know he was there for him anytime. They watched something in TV, Dean was making all the time jokes through the film and Cas laughed at them even though some of them were terrible and very inappropriate. But this was what he needed now. A time without a stress and the opportunity to be with Dean.

It was early evening when Dean had to headed home again. He wasn’t ready to leave Cas here. He didn’t even want to.

“Dean, I’m okay – really, just go,” Cas said to him when he had to nearly drag him to the front door, “You have to go to see Sam for sure.”

Dean looked at him doubtfully.

“I’m okay,” Cas repeated, emphasizing every word.

He wasn’t really okay.

He wanted him to stay, because he wasn’t okay. He just couldn’t stand to be alone here, no more, and other reasons that tore his heart.

“You sure?” Dean asked with a care in his voice.

He could’ve said the truth.

“Yeah, really,” Cas nodded, somehow finding the strength to smile.

So why he had lied?

He could’ve been with Dean instead of tasting his lips in the last kiss before he saw him walk away, shutting the door after him.

And suddenly he felt cold, scared and small. Alone in his own house which was now so painfully hostile and quiet.

He dropped on the floor suddenly as his legs betrayed him, feeling so weak and sick. He wanted to scream but his throat was so tight he couldn’t force any sound through. He stared at the floor under him with eyes wide and lips agape, feeling like all the air was just sucked out of his lungs which suddenly forgot how to work, he felt he was choking. He was trembling with fear and pain.

Suddenly he gasped for the air, feeling his lungs filled again. He was sweating and shaking. Something cold and wet was dropping from his face but he ignored it, focusing just on his breathing that comes out like loud wheezing. He got his breathing under control after a time, swallowing hard and sensing a salty taste in his mouth.

He touched his cheek, finding out wet trails from the tears pouring from his eyes. He didn’t remember he had cried.

A lot of time had to pass when he finally decided he was feeling better and was certain enough his legs would carry his weight to stand up again.

He was tired. He was a total mess, panicking nervous wreck, damned soul.

He certainly wasn’t okay.


End file.
